Sometimes I Hate Myself

Sometimes I miss religion.

I miss having a clear-cut set of dos and don’ts for my life. I miss not having to think. Of course, once I really started to examine Christianity I realized that it is no more clear-cut than anything else. That most of modern ‘Christian’ values have nothing to do with the Bible, a book which promotes polygamy, slavery and genocide, among other things. I could no more force myself to attempt to live by that book, once I knew what it was truly about, than force myself to live by Mein Kampf.

Without strict rules on how to behave in life, and in sex, I have found incredible freedom. But I am also up against some questions that would have before been cut and dry, and are now. . .not.

For instance. I’m married. Some men are married. My husband is cool with the fact that I do what I do. Most wives, unfortunately, are not. Is it my problem if I am sleeping with a man who is screwing around behind his wife’s back? He is the one cheating, but am I culpable? This is one I try to ignore. I don’t know his life, and things are clean on my end.

What happens, though, when I am sleeping with a man whose wife I know? She is not my friend. But maybe we’re friendly. Maybe I respect her. Maybe I know she loves her husband–at least, all signs point to the fact that she does. This is where, if it wasn’t iffy before, it gets a little dicey.

My stomach starts to hurt. I feel a little sick. I put myself in her shoes. I imagine her face if she were to find out. I think about him. How I know he is just horny for me but that a little hot sex isn’t worth throwing away what they have. How, whether or not his woman ever finds out, he will look back on me as a mistake. As something he wishes he could erase. Because as soon as we are done fucking, and I have gone home, he will want to shower me off him. He will want to go back in time.

Then I think about the fact that I know his cock is enormous. How badly I want it to fill me. How hot it would be to do something so naughty. 

Sometimes I hate myself.


One Comment on “Sometimes I Hate Myself”

  1. […] for the past several months. This place where I have confessed to complete and total deviance, from bedding married men, to groping and flashing people in a drunken haze, to continuing a relationship with someone who […]


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