My Open Marriage: the skinny

My husband and I have an open marriage. We have been married 7 years, and I guess you could say, we’ve caught the itch. Or at least, I have. Our open marriage is one-sided. My husband has the right to exercise his option to play outside of our union, but at this time he chooses not to do so. This is largely because he is not nearly as sexual as I am–which is a huge part of why we are open in the first place.

I am an incredibly sexual person. I really can’t get enough. I have a lot of curiosity and a need to explore the different facets of my sexuality. My husband is pretty much good with vanilla sex, and not only has no desire for kink, but also has a bit of an aversion to it.

I spent the first seven years of our marriage frustrated and dissatisfied. We would go weeks and even months at a time without sexual contact. No amount of make-up and lingerie and straight-up throwing myself at him would change it. If he wasn’t in the mood (which was often), then it wasn’t happening. And this is still the way it is.

It’s not that we never have sex, or that he isn’t good at it. We do have sex sometimes, and when we do it is great. My husband is a creative and sensitive lover who isn’t satisfied unless I come multiple times, and who thinks of positions that would have never even occurred to me. So when it’s good, it’s good. It’s just that it’s not enough.

I was tired of lying in bed with him, aching and seething because he wouldn’t touch me. It caused problems–it hurt our marriage. Screaming and crying over this issue was not uncommon for us. Promises would be made, but not kept. While a woman can just suck it up and have sex regardless of whether she is aroused or not, it’s not as easy for a man. If their equipment isn’t cooperating, it is not going to happen.

Not only that, but it hurt my pride. When someone agrees to have sex with you when you can tell they don’t really want to, it stings. It kills the mood. It makes you feel as though you are not sexy. I don’t want a pity lay. So I would refuse, and the fighting would resume. To say it was devastating would be an understatement. I was slowly dying.

And then, in conjunction with all of this, we started to question our beliefs. We had been devout Christians, even marrying at 21 because we felt guilty for having sex. But we are thinkers. We ask questions. We challenge the status quo. And a lot of things about our belief system stopped making sense to us. My husband realized that he was no longer a believer, and then a year later, after a lot of digging and research, I reached the same conclusion for myself.

Without a book to tell us what our moral standard should be, we were free to define it for ourselves. We agreed that monogamy is nothing more than a social construction. It has its purposes and is not necessarily a bad thing, but non-monogamy is equally moral and ethical and right. We decided to open our marriage so that both of us could have our needs met.

A few close friends know about our agreement, and they are not impressed. They do not necessarily think that what we are doing is wrong, but that it is dangerous. That I could fall in love with someone else, or resent my husband for “making” me go to these lengths to get my needs met. Because they are my friends, they think that my husband is in the wrong. That he should suck it up and have more sex with me and pretend to like it. That he needs to get over his hang-ups and be more open to different sexual experiences.

His friends, I’m sure, would say that I am wrong. That we took vows, and that I need to honour them. That sex isn’t everything, and it’s not like we never have sex, and I should just invest in a couple of good vibrators and a collection of porn and remain faithful to my husband.

Here’s the thing, though. I love my husband, and he loves me. One of the most beautiful things about our marriage is that it is based on mutual acceptance. He loves my kinky slutty self, and I love him in all of his vanilla-ness. We don’t need to change each other. He doesn’t need to be all things to me, and I don’t need to be all things to him. I am not going to force him to attend an orgy or have anal sex if the thought legitimately makes his skin crawl. And he is not going to force me to go through the next several decades sexually dissatisfied because he doesn’t want to do what I want to do.

That doesn’t mean we aren’t working. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with our marriage. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. My husband is my partner in life, but he doesn’t own me. He is my partner, but I am free, and so is he.

7 Comments on “My Open Marriage: the skinny”

  1. The Kinkster says:

    The thing is that more and more people are turning towards non monogamous relationships. Haven’t you noticed the surge in the cuckolding phenomena. I mean it’s quite amazing actually that only a few centuries back how cuckolds were considered to be impotent, feeble creatures; they were the scorn of the society. But now strong, successful and virile men have succumbed to this phenomena. The reason if you ask me is how women are so empowered these days. Therefore intelligent and well bred men have not only acknowledged the fact that they alone cannot cater to the needs of their spouses but have been supportive of their women throughout the journey. Consider yourself to be extremely lucky that your hubby truely understands you and has been accommodating to share you out with the world at large, thereby empowering you and giving you the freedom that women crave for actually.

    And well your blog is beautiful; I shall be reading the other posts as well. Nice to meet you. 🙂

    • Glad you like the blog!
      And I agree, and am so glad that we are moving away from the 1950s version of marriage and towards something less restrictive. It’s up to each individual couple to decide what marriage/partnership means to them, and how they want to conduct themselves sexually.

    • notyetnamed says:

      I’ve followed your blogs, and you write beautifully. But, wow, this one hit it home for me. See, I had previously thought I was the only one living a life of confused sexual tension and abstinence; living under this umbrella held by a man, who I know dearly loves me. It is painful and hard, and just plain aches. Thanks for your candor. Spot on; so well worded.

  2. thosebadshoes says:

    This post makes me feel so many things. I love the story of how your relationship evolved and I admire you and your husband so much. Without getting into too much detail, this is the kind of situation I crave so much. But my husband, as of right now is completely shut down about it. He is unable to let go of the urge to conform to society’s rules. He also has been open about viewing me as his property and not being willing to share me. Sigh.

    Not sure where that leaves me, but I love reading stories like yours. I truly have so much respect for your marriage!

    • I’m sorry your husband feels that society’s rules are more important than you personal happiness 😦
      I hope that you can be open and honest with him and that he can really consider where his values are coming from and what monogamy is adding to your life.

  3. […] We both did. Our relationship hasn’t been monogamous from the get-go, obviously–I am still married. But I never felt that need. I felt desire for others, and if it went there it went there, but I […]

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