I was raped yesterday.

I know that technically that’s what it was, and yet it it so much more complicated than that. Girl friends are angry with me for not going to the police. My Dom asked me if I liked it. Another male friend wanted to know how “serious” it was–did it hurt? Am I traumatized? Were we role-playing?

Here is what happened:

I went to D.F.’s house. He fingered me in the car. He told me to suck him, he fucked me, and then he took off his belt and whipped me over and over again for cancelling our last “date”. It hurt. I whimpered and screamed, but I took it. He finally stopped. He clamped my nipples and told me to get upstairs. I told him I didn’t think I could walk. He said I’d better, or he’d beat me. I hobbled up the stairs, clutching the railing.

He told me to lie down. I did as I was told. He blind-folded me, tied me to the bed posts with my arms and legs in the air, and put a ball-gag in my mouth. I remember the thought “he could kill me” floating through my head. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t, but I wondered what the hell was wrong with me that I was willing to take that risk.

Honestly, what happened in between is a blur. I know I came a LOT. I know I screamed, and not because it hurt. I know I was really uncomfortable being tied up in that position but that I did not complain. The next thing I remember is him sliding a lubed finger inside my ass. I tensed up instantly. He commanded me several times to relax, and I tried to obey. I whimpered but eventually I came, complete with screaming, moaning and squirting.

Then, he asked me if I wanted his “big cock” in my ass. I shook my head frantically, and said “No” around the ball gag. He asked me again, and again I shook my head and said “No.” He told me he knew what he was doing. That he would not hurt me. I said “Please don’t,” “Please stop,” but he didn’t. I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut and waited for it to be over. When he was done, I asked him to untie me.

He said he wanted to fuck me again first. I did not argue. I let him fuck me. I do not know if or when or where he came. He untied me, finally. He took off my blind-fold and took out my gag.

He said “I guess we should have discussed whether your little virgin ass was off-limits. But now you know what ass-play is like, whether you like it or not.”

He kissed me.

22 Comments on “Raped”

  1. wyckdstorm says:

    My question would be if you were left feeling violated or even when you said no, you were accepting of it happening. If you werent and it was a hard limit then I would consider it rape. You have a right to say no, no matter what the circumstances. And no one should make you feel like doing anything you don’t want to do, whether it’s ass play or going to the police. I hope in the end you are okay.

  2. Anything but a yes is a no. Period. I am livid for you. And I am sorry.

    • Thank you. I feel like shit.

      • And now you are being victimized again by people who think that because you choose to be a Sub that you weren’t really raped. That’s crap. I have had to lay there and take it more than once and you do feel like shit. And you do feel partially responsible — and you’re not. Nobody deserves to have anything done to them that they don’t want done. This is why I repeat the mantra “Anything but a Yes is a No” to my son over and over and over when we are talking about relationships and sex. If she is not saying Yes, of her own free will and without coercion or under the influence of any sort of drug, then he has a responsibility to STOP. Anything else is rape. Period. End of discussion!
        I would not go to the police either; I would just refuse to see him again and tell him he crossed the line. Reporting is just going to cause more of a headache for all involved.
        I’m so sorry you are suffering. Really very sorry. You have too many other stressors in your life to have this happen too.

  3. micklively says:

    Is “not taking no for an answer” part of the play?
    Is permitting yourself to be tied up, a tacit agreement that later objections will be ignored? If not, what’s the point in being tied?
    I hate rape, the thought of it, the sound of it, everything about it, turns me cold. I don’t think you were raped.

    • There are safe words in BDSM for a reason. In the absence of a safe word, the safe word is “No.” Unless I have handed over ownership of myself, and said “Do whatever the fuck you want to me, regardless of what I say,” “No” needs to be respected.

  4. Collared says:

    I’m so sorry this happened to you, and it is in no way your fault. I hope you manage to get through this, and stay away from DF and your Dom. They seem like trouble.

  5. mala says:

    I’m very sorry… personally, I would kill someone over that, but I’ve got very specific issues from my past… regardless, if that was a hard limit and he knew it, you should go to the police.., i assume he knew it.. im so sorry, *hugs*

  6. […] Maybe I am trying to minimize what happened. […]

  7. Secret Bad Boy says:

    yes that was rape. it is. and it will happen again if you let it

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