Shades of GreyPosted: October 3, 2013
I met with him.
I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I have a deep-seated desire to self-destruct. Maybe it’s because I am a big believer in talking and closure.
I drove to Starbucks without insurance. He would usually pick me up so I wouldn’t have to take that risk, but a not-so-small part of me was afraid he might kill me and bury me in the woods.
We ordered our drinks. I let him pay because I am broke. We took our coffees outside and sat on the concrete edging of a flower bed so that “No one would hear us yelling,” he joked.
“I’m not going to yell,” I said.
“I’m not either.”
I lit a cigarette. I have been trying (and failing) to quit for months now. Shit just keeps piling up. I need my coping mechanism.
“So,” I said.
“So,” he said.
I took a sip of my coffee. Said nothing. Waited.
“Look, he said.” He used my name. “I had no indication that I was crossing a line. You seemed to be enjoying what we were doing. I have no desire to ever hurt anyone–physically or emotionally. That’s not me. If I had any idea that you felt you were being violated, I would have stopped. You came so hard when I had my finger in your ass, I just thought. . .”
I cocked my head to the side. A beat passed between us. “What do you want me to say?,” I asked. “Are you asking me something?”
“No,” he said with conviction. He looked anguished. “I am not asking you anything. But. . .you told me I raped you.”
“That’s how I see it, yes.”
“And I would say, ‘No.’ ” He shook his head.
“I said ‘No.’ A bunch of times.”
“I didn’t hear you. If you did, it was garbled.”
“Well, I was gagged.”
“I’ve been fucked in the ass. I’ve said “no” every time before it happens, because–that’s shit’s gonna hurt at first. But the aftermath is amazing.”
I continued to chain smoke. I was probably on my third cigarette by then.
“If I heard you say ‘no’, I must have thought it was just the heat of the moment. You didn’t kick, or try to move away. You weren’t bound that tight that you couldn’t have made it clear.”
“So it’s my fault?” I asked.
“No. Absolutely not. I’m not saying it’s your fault. . .I’m saying, we should have discussed your limits beforehand. Everyone I’ve ever fucked in the ass before has said no, but it was also discussed and agreed to first. We didn’t do that, and that was a huge, huge. . .huge. . .mistake.”
I nodded. “I agree. We should have talked about it more before you tied me up.”
“Are you okay?” he asked me.
I shrugged. I was (and am) dead inside.
“I’m not okay,” he said. “I am so fucked up over this. I could only stay at work for an hour today. I’m honestly thinking of just quitting sex altogether. I cleared all my contacts and took myself off all the websites. I’m considering just being done, that’s how wrecked I am over this.”
For some reason I felt compelled to apologize. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You did nothing wrong.”
I shrugged again.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said. What could he do?
“Part of me wants you right now, and part of me is terrified. I’m sure you feel the same. Actually, I’m sure all of you is terrified and none of you wants me.”
I smiled sadly. I may have even chuckled.
We talked a bit more about how fucked up we both are. He said he was thinking of joining Sex Addicts Anonymous. I told him I had considered that myself, but was pretty sure I’d just end up sleeping with everyone.
After a few more minutes, he said good-bye. He asked me if I wanted him to drive me home. I told him I’d driven there, and something crossed his face that I couldn’t quite place.
“Do you want a hug?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said.
He hugged me. I couldn’t bring myself to hug him back. “Are you shaking?” he noticed my tremor.
“I’m cold,” I said.
Pulling away, he looked at me. “Good bye.”
I walked to my car and drove home feeling lighter.
Most people would say that he knew exactly what he was doing. That he wanted to meet me and convince me he hadn’t done anything wrong, to cover his own ass. That of course he would say he didn’t rape me–what man would admit to that?
But I truly believe it was just a very unfortunate situation. He thought we’d agreed to a kind of relationship that I’d never agreed to. He thought I’d trusted him enough to give him complete power over me, when I’d only agreed to sexy play. He thought “No,” meant yes, but to me, “No” means no.
We tend to group people into two categories–murderers and rapists, and the rest of us. But I see the world in shades of grey, and that is where I live my life.
I don’t know if I would ever do this again. Certainly not with him, but maybe not with anyone. Then again, I am not a girl who has ever been good at resisting my vices.
We will see.