Even in my own mind, theories abound as to why I did it:

Maybe I am hell-bent on self-destruction.

Maybe I have little-to-no self-worth.

Maybe I so need to be dominated that being taken flipped some kind of switch inside me.

Maybe I am trying to minimize what happened.

Maybe I just needed to feel something–anything.

Maybe it’s all of those reasons. Maybe it’s none of them.

Christians would say I’m depraved, and feminists would say I am re-victimizing myself. Friends would say I am just plain unhinged, misogynists would say that this proves that I wanted it, and therapists everywhere would agree I have issues.

But in the end, the reason is simple: Pleasure is worth more than my dignity, and he is the best fuck I’ve ever had.

6 Comments on “Why”

  1. mala says:

    Or, you might just be trying to make everything seem as normal and ok as possible between you and him, as a means to cope. I did that myself, the first time. I almost did it the second time. But only you know the reasons and I am not judging you either way. I hope you’re ok. *hugs*

  2. Jen says:

    I agree with Mala. I think its more to do with trying to cope.
    I also wonder if although you were raped, you maybe sense that he did not have that intent in mind when he did what he did. He was stupid. But now that he is aware of your limits I hope he respects them. And I hope you guys have a safe word now too. I get the whole wanting to be dominated thing, but you need to have an out. It needs to be ok for you. And if he crosses a line again, I hope you feel you can go to the police. (But I’m hoping it doesn’t end up that route and that he has learned from this)

    • I do think I was trying to cope, or undo it, or something. There is more about it in my latest post. I also think that he did not mean to rape me, but to be 100% honest, I think it makes me feel more drawn to him now. I have problems.

  3. Secret Bad Boy says:

    i work with rape victims. no amount of sexual pleasure that you get for him is okay for this to happen. i am afraid it will happen again. to say that he did not meant it when it happen, is perhaps ok now for him to say because you survived. what if you said NO and he still did it and it killed you. a no is a no. he did something evil to you.

    • Thank you for your concern.I do not know how to respond to this comment. I am not saying this to be rude or snarky, I am honestly just confused as to how I should be feeling about what happened.I do not know why I want to have sex with my rapist.Maybe it is a fucked up version of Stockholm syndrome. > Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2013 01:40:02 +0000 > To: fablejhill@hotmail.com >

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