Confessions of an Addict

Today, while my husband was at home carving pumpkins with my kids, I was out–shopping for a new bikini to wear on a hot tub date I have planned for tonight.

I felt terrible about myself, but I did not stay home.

I don’t want to blame my actions on addiction–as though I am not at fault. As though I am not the one making these choices. But I know–this is what addiction is. What it does.

It turns loving, devoted mothers into selfish, self-centered absentees.

It turns committed, self-sacrificing wives into cold-hearted bitches.

It turns formerly modest and appropriate women into shameless flirts.

It turns someone who used to be friendly and respectful, into someone who sees all attractive men and women as nothing more than prey.

It turns a woman who used to want to change the world, into one applying for a job at a body rub parlour.

I hate myself, but I am not going to stop–not yet.

I thought I hit rock bottom once. Then again, and then once more. But it has become clear to me that I have no idea what rock bottom is. I obviously have farther to fall before I will admit that this cannot go on any longer. I don’t know what it will take, and it scares me.

My only hope is that it only ruins me, and not my husband. Not my children. Not my family.

10 Comments on “Confessions of an Addict”

  1. Jen says:

    I hope the same. That no one else gets hurt when it comes crashing down. But unfortunately that is not how addiction works. Hitting rock bottom hurts everyone in its wake. Children and spouses likely the most. 😦

  2. mala says:

    I wonder what you are punishing yourself for… 😦

    • Do you care to elaborate? It is a profound question. . .

      • mala says:

        Elaborate…? I meant it literally… I think maybe you are punishing yourself for something, and trying to make yourself hurt as badly as you can…. or maybe trying to ruin whatever you have at home for similar reasons. I dont know, i cant elaborate on whats in your own head 😉

      • I don’t know, Mala. It is definitely worth trying to figure out. . .
        I have felt, since this started, that I was not trying to punish myself, but instead just using sex as my drug of choice. I love the feeling of being high on pleasure. I have always struggled with depression, and I wonder if I am trying to self-medicate with hormones.But it is never enough, and it will never be enough.
        It has escalated, and now its at the point where I could get laid every night of the week and I would probably still want more.

      • mala says:

        and drug addicts live with self-loathing, self-hatred, etc just like anyone else who is punishing themselves for whatever reason. Maybe you just dont think you deserve what you have, and are desperately trying to lose it.

      • Maybe some therapy is in order :/

      • mala says:

        only maybe ? 😉

  3. Uh, okay, therapy is DEFINITELY in order :p

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