WithdrawalPosted: November 3, 2013
There’s a lot swirling around in my brain, but I’m not sure any of it is enough of a topic on it’s own to warrant a full blog post. At least not in my current state of mind, where I am barely coherent and any form of mental or physical exertion makes me want to crawl down the hallway to my bedroom, and hide under the covers with a spiked hot chocolate and a dirty novel.
I am not sick–at least I don’t think so. However, I did recently learn that quitting smoking cold turkey can produce flu-like symptoms. Every day’s a school day. So while I’m fairly certain I don’t have the flu, and I’m over-joyed at the explanation for what can also be mistaken as early pregnancy symptoms (test was negative–praise Lucifer), I feel like crap.
I spent most of yesterday laying in bed with Hubby half-heartedly trying to keep the kids away from me while they crawled over, under and through my blankets, declaring my bed a tunnel, an igloo, an airplane. I eventually just put my pillow over my head and pretended I was somewhere else.
I’m not even sure why I’m quitting smoking. There are vague reasons concerning my health, my appearance and finances, but I’m pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that the weather has started to suck outside and standing around in the freezing wind trying to light a smoke just isn’t fun anymore. True story.
Speaking of quitting and withdrawal and addiction, I went to a meeting. You know. . .a “Meeting”–capital “M”. I am not quite sure what to make of it. I was, frankly, off-put by the blatantly religious rhetoric surrounding the entire thing. It is one thing to say that we need to try to connect with something stronger than ourselves to beat our addiction (for those who are new, “I’m a sex addict.” And now you’re all supposed to say hi to me in unison. . .), it’s another entirely to be sitting around discussing Biblical theology, saying the Lord’s Prayer at the end instead of the Serenity Prayer as would be expected at such groups (WTF), and then turn around and tell me it’s not that religious.
I kind of just wanted to run away and never go back. The thing that is the biggest problem for me, is the idea that I need to ASK a higher power to help me overcome my addiction.
I’ve asked a higher power for a lot of things in my life, and there is no guarantee that “God” would say yes. So basically. . .the entire model is based upon the idea that someone or something that you do not control and cannot rely on, has to stop you from living an addicted life, or you’re screwed.
I just. . .can’t do it.
I’ve read online that for atheists, God can stand for “Good Orderly Direction”. . .and I can get behind that. However, I think if this is going to work for me, I need to find a different group. One that is less obsessed with God and more interested in over-coming sex addiction, period.
Speaking of sex addiction, I’m not sure if its my flu-like symptoms or what, but my libido has been less out of control lately. Not saying I haven’t been horny–I am still me, after all–but I just haven’t felt like the all-consuming urge to fuck. It probably won’t last–I’m sure once I’m feeling better I’ll be ravenous again. And it’ll probably have the unfortunate effect of hitting me WAY harder to make up for lost time. But as stated in my last post, warm chocolate chip cookies are functioning quite nicely as a substitute–no chicken noodle soup for this girl.
Oh, and as another point of suck-age, the sex party I was supposed to go to this weekend got cancelled. Why do bad things happen to good people?