There’s a lot swirling around in my brain, but I’m not sure any of it is enough of a topic on it’s own to warrant a full blog post. At least not in my current state of mind, where I am barely coherent and any form of mental or physical exertion makes me want to crawl down the hallway to my bedroom, and hide under the covers with a spiked hot chocolate and a dirty novel.

I am not sick–at least I don’t think so. However, I did recently learn that quitting smoking cold turkey can produce flu-like symptoms. Every day’s a school day. So while I’m fairly certain I don’t have the flu, and I’m over-joyed at the explanation for what can also be mistaken as early pregnancy symptoms (test was negative–praise Lucifer), I feel like crap.

I spent most of yesterday laying in bed with Hubby half-heartedly trying to keep the kids away from me while they crawled over, under and through my blankets, declaring my bed a tunnel, an igloo, an airplane. I eventually just put my pillow over my head and pretended I was somewhere else.

I’m not even sure why I’m quitting smoking. There are vague reasons concerning my health, my appearance and finances, but I’m pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that the weather has started to suck outside and standing around in the freezing wind trying to light a smoke just isn’t fun anymore. True story.

Speaking of quitting and withdrawal and addiction, I went to a meeting. You know. . .a “Meeting”–capital “M”. I am not quite sure what to make of it. I was, frankly, off-put by the blatantly religious rhetoric surrounding the entire thing. It is one thing to say that we need to try to connect with something stronger than ourselves to beat our addiction (for those who are new, “I’m a sex addict.” And now you’re all supposed to say hi to me in unison. . .), it’s another entirely to be sitting around discussing Biblical theology, saying the Lord’s Prayer at the end instead of the Serenity Prayer as would be expected at such groups (WTF), and then turn around and tell me it’s not that religious.

I kind of just wanted to run away and never go back. The thing that is the biggest problem for me, is the idea that I need to ASK a higher power to help me overcome my addiction.

I’ve asked a higher power for a lot of things in my life, and there is no guarantee that “God” would say yes. So basically. . .the entire model is based upon the idea that someone or something that you do not control and cannot rely on, has to stop you from living an addicted life, or you’re screwed.

I just. . .can’t do it.

I’ve read online that for atheists, God can stand for “Good Orderly Direction”. . .and I can get behind that. However, I think if this is going to work for me, I need to find a different group. One that is less obsessed with God and more interested in over-coming sex addiction, period.

Speaking of sex addiction, I’m not sure if its my flu-like symptoms or what, but my libido has been less out of control lately. Not saying I haven’t been horny–I am still me, after all–but I just haven’t felt like the all-consuming urge to fuck. It probably won’t last–I’m sure once I’m feeling better I’ll be ravenous again. And it’ll probably have the unfortunate effect of hitting me WAY harder to make up for lost time. But as stated in my last post, warm chocolate chip cookies are functioning quite nicely as a substitute–no chicken noodle soup for this girl.

Oh, and as another point of suck-age, the sex party I was supposed to go to this weekend got cancelled. Why do bad things happen to good people?

9 Comments on “Withdrawal”

  1. JK says:

    Even God will tell you you’ve got to do it for yourself, so run away from any Meeting that wants you to rely upon God to solve your problem for you.

  2. chinaskie says:

    As someone in the Fellowship for over 4 years, I have never heard the Lord’s Prayer read. EVER. I’m so sorry that was your first experience in the rooms. I too, struggle with the religious aspects of the program as a whole and I’m STILL working on Step 2 (Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.), and it’s a bitch. But I keep going to meetings, I have met and made friends with some really great people, and despite my addict’s protests to the contrary, my life has gotten better. If you can find another meeting somewhere else, give it a shot. Let me know what happens if you like šŸ™‚

  3. mala says:

    When I was with the State, I had to go to 3 NA meetings every week. (I wasn’t a drug addict, but that didn’t seem to matter!) So anyway, I did that for 5 years. Never once heard the Lord’s Prayer… only the Serenity Prayer. Find another group… I doubt sex addicts changed the program that much…. I’m sure that bit should be the same.

    Now, whether or not it will work… they say depends on if you work it. But it mostly depends on if you’re ready to work it. Have you hit your bottom… do you actually want climb back up the ladder. You have been punishing yourself for a long time, what are you going to do to fill that massive gap of time when you suddenly stop abusing yourself physically and mentally? Girl, you are a true masochist in that sense.

    I think it is during *those* moments that you will need people around you who can understand what you’re going through. Because those moments are when relapse can creep in.

    You need a sponsor, a woman, someone who will kick your ass and tell you what you need to do for the first year. Like a Domme, kind of, LOL. Seriously though, you need that. That’s really your first step, more than just admitting there is a power greater than yourself somewhere in the universe. IMO, anyway.

    Good luck girl… hugs

    • I will think about it. . .right now I am just trying to keep my head above water. I am barely managing to keep up with the demands of the every day. I just want to go out and have sex once in awhile and be someone else for a few hours.

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