That Thing I DidPosted: November 20, 2013
I did something so…stupid and wrong…that I am afraid to post about it here.
This place where I have spilled my guts for the past several months. This place where I have confessed to complete and total deviance, from bedding married men, to groping and flashing people in a drunken haze, to continuing a relationship with someone who forced sex on me.
There is something I feel I cannot divulge–even here, in my own little anonymous, public confessional.
I did not hurt anyone. I did not do anything to or with a minor.
But what I did, and am doing, is just bad. It is asking for trouble. More trouble than I think I have ever invited into my life before. And I’m ashamed. I’m less ashamed of the wrongness, and more ashamed of my own stupidity, recklessness and risk-taking. My brazen disregard for even the most basic of societal expectations. My total lack of self-control.
Sometimes it feels so right, and I sit there with a sappy satisfied smile, not caring, because it feels good. Then reality comes into focus, and I end up in a cold sweat, gripped with panic, convinced I need to admit to everything, so that someone will find a way to help me stop myself.
It is back to Sex Addicts Anonymous for me, because I can’t quit this on my own. And frankly, I’m afraid of what I’ll end up doing next.