That Thing I Did

I did something so…stupid and wrong…that I am afraid to post about it here.

Yes, here.

This place where I have spilled my guts for the past several months. This place where I have confessed to complete and total deviance, from bedding married men, to groping and flashing people in a drunken haze, to continuing a relationship with someone who forced sex on me.

There is something I feel I cannot divulge–even here, in my own little anonymous, public confessional.

I did not hurt anyone. I did not do anything to or with a minor.

But what I did, and am doing, is just bad. It is asking for trouble. More trouble than I think I have ever invited into my life before. And I’m ashamed. I’m less ashamed of the wrongness, and more ashamed of my own stupidity, recklessness and risk-taking. My brazen disregard for even the most basic of societal expectations. My total lack of self-control.

Sometimes it feels so right, and I sit there with a sappy satisfied smile, not caring, because it feels good. Then reality comes into focus, and I end up in a cold sweat, gripped with panic, convinced I need to admit to everything, so that someone will find a way to help me stop myself.

It is back to Sex Addicts Anonymous for me, because I can’t quit this on my own. And frankly, I’m afraid of what I’ll end up doing next.

16 Comments on “That Thing I Did”

  1. phoenixasubbie says:

    Hey girl. You do whatever you need to do to take care of you.
    The important thing is you recognize you need help and will get it.

    Whatever it is, try not to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. No judgements here.

    Hugs and here if you need a friend.

  2. thosebadshoes2013 says:

    I’ve been where you are. I have nothing more to offer than my understanding and empathy.

  3. AN says:

    What on earth could you do that is so bad , or has not been done before ? I doubt you can claim to be the first so don’t be too worried about it . It’s not to say you may not need to curb your behaviours ( if you choose) but in the end creating a massive emotional wall will only serve to defeat you.

  4. Sara says:

    The best thing you could do is spill the beans and take the pressure off yourself

  5. Yes, please try to keep self-loathing at a minimum. You are not a bad person, you have an addiction to the endorphin release in your brain. It’s chemical. It’s science!
    Now if I could just get myself to admit that I have the same problem…

    • I am addicted to the chemicals, that is certainly true. I also think I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of being bad, and the seductive nature of being wanted. I crave all of it.

      Unfortunately, my self-loathing often pops up and rears its ugly head. Telling me that I am fucked up, disgusting, and a total slut. And when self-loathing says the word “slut”, it does not mean it in a good way.

      • Sara says:

        Yes , of course the thing with addictions is that there is a real benefit in the moment .. the price that is to be paid at that moment appears to just disappear. Ultimately it is a matter of seeing that price at the time you are about to make a decision to enjoy a moment of BAD girl . If you can just see the price you will probably take a different path. The second thing is the reason the temptation appeals to you so deeply .. and how to solve the above two conditions that propel you into these situations.
        The first thing though, sort yourself out for this particular event and get to a level ground, try and promise yourself to behave until you get footing..
        Sure the blog might become less intense but it will mean you are safe 🙂

  6. BigD says:

    The spirit of solidarity of some of your followers is grotesque and pathetic. I think you’re in very very dark place. Has anybody told you that?

    • My followers “get” me. You clearly, do not.

      I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m in a dark place. I am self-aware enough to know that. But yes, my awesome followers have definitely offered their insights into the head space that I am sometimes in. It is not always what I want to hear, but it comes from a good place.

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