And now for something completely crazy…

I’m pretty sure he’s on a date. Right now. As I live and type.

How do I know this? I don’t really. Except that we had plans today, and when I told him it was my time of the month (CURSES! Of course, right when he gets back from a month away this shit happens), he was all too quick to say that we should reschedule. We chatted via text all morning and all afternoon (during which he told about “the girl”, who we will refer to as She Devil). They went out once before his trip (which he already told me weeks ago) and apparently have been chatting online.

Anyway, as I said, we’d been chatting via text all day. Then suddenly, about an hour ago or so, he stops responding. I text him and he answers with one word. I respond to his one word, and he answers with “k.” Does that sound like a man on a date to you? Because it does to me.

I am not happy. It’s not (just) the fact that he is (probably) on a date. He’s been on dates before, and he’ll go on them again. It’s the fact that he just got back from his trip and I haven’t even seen him yet, and he is (maybe) out with someone else? No! Plus, if he fucks her, which he will, that means SHE gets the benefits of his almost-month with no nooky, not me. I’m sorry, but that is just not fair. Welcome home sex is supposed to be mine–MINE!

And then I kind of blame myself a little. Because he was in town on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. His kids were with the ex from the 24th until the afternoon of the 25th, when they came to his place and then they all left to visit family. He texted me on Christmas Eve, saying he was desperate to see me. But I couldn’t. It was Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve through Christmas Day is family time. There is no way I could have sneaked out to meet him without experiencing extreme self-hatred. My husband and I always have sex on Christmas Eve, I could not have excused myself and gone and slept with Sir too. It would have just been. . .icky. And as my husband is not stupid, he would know that there was no last minute emergency that needed tending to on Christmas Eve, and that I was not merely “out”, but that I was out with “someone else.” It would have totally crossed a line.

My feelings about all of this are all tangled up. Yes, I’d like to have a poly family, but I think I would prefer if we were all involved, rather than having individual relationships all over the place. It just gets so complicated. I’m not even really poly at this point,but I can’t stop my head from swimming with all of these possible problems. Who gets holidays? Who gets priority when two people are experiencing a personal crisis at once? Does the spouse, or whoever was there first, always retain “primary” status? Can anything ever actually be equal between a person’s two or more lovers? Should it be?

Then there’s the huge issue underlying all of this. . .which is that I feel insufficient. I know that sounds completely ridiculous coming from a married woman who’s sleeping with other men because her husband can’t meet her needs, but hear me out. My husband is my partner. We are a family. No matter what, we will always have that. He comes first, and he knows it. I sleep here, I consult him on all major decisions, holidays are automatically spent together and it is up to the two of us to build a life together.

When it comes to Sir, I have no such status.  I am listed on my Fet Life profile as under his “protection” (as commanded by him), but I am not listed on his. At all. And then I get to see in his news feed that he is posting on singles boards, and on his profile that he is seeking a long-term relationship, and I just get. . .I don’t even know what the word for it is. He has never been anything less than honest with me, so that isn’t the problem. I guess I just still feel like the girl he is seeing while he waits for someone better to come along. Which was fine, back before he was interfering with my affairs. But when I’m not allowed to see or talk to guys I was formerly sleeping with, when anyone from the fetish community who wants to talk to me has to go through him, but I don’t even deserve to have my existence acknowledged? I don’t know. I am new to this, maybe I am over-reacting? Can anyone else give their opinion?

I need to know that I am his. I need something to hold onto. Not necessarily a collar, but something. But that is not the kind of thing you can ask for. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. We don’t even have a picture together.

Part of me just wants to tell him to screw off, or that I thought I was okay with this but I’m not, or that I need to find someone who is also married with children, who understands exactly where I am coming from and whose needs are balanced more closely with mine. The rest of me knows that I am in this until I am cut loose, left on the side of the road in a cardboard box, shivering and howling my head off, in the tradition of all abandoned pussy.

9 Comments on “And now for something completely crazy…”

  1. rougedmount says:

    you deserve more…his not acknowledging you? speaks volumes … i like how you are starting to re-evaluate

  2. phoenixasubbie says:

    Under protection of is not being claimed. It simply means he looks after you, or is supposed to. Kind of a big brother thing.
    Under consideration of is kind of like D/s dating… but haven’t committed.
    From what I read here, he has no right to dictate who you see or don’t…. other than the fact that you gave him this right…
    I’d re-evaluate if I were you.

  3. phoenixasubbie says:

    btw, I’m on Fet. Look me up if you want 🙂

  4. THM says:

    At the end of the day ,you have to ask your self , why am I doing what I am doing ? It is your life and you make the rules , and should you choose to give somebody the power to make those rules then so be it but you can take that power back…any time.
    Again , it is your life.

    You have associated yourself with submissive needs but does that mean everybody who thinks “submissive” is the same. Submissive is a word and it embraces many things but by mostly by your own definition. It is useful to use it to give an approximate idea of where you sit but the detail must be drawn out to truly know what you are and what you are not.

    To me it seems the Master is doing what he wants when he wants as he pleases . There is nothing wrong with this at all but you have to ask , what are you gaining from it? A healthy Dom/ submissive relationship is one where you both get growth , enjoyment. Is he taking the time to understand who you are and your life’s circumstances in order to enrich your life? After all the whole purpose for you stepping outside the marriage is to enrich your life and give it balance. Personally I have to question the motivations of the Master because I cannot see you becoming enriched by the way he treats you. Let’s say that I am missing something here, then he should be able to explain to you why he has taken such a course of action. He understands you are married and not only is there the relationship to be aware of with husband but the safety of him in terms of sexual diseases. When you sleep with a Master who is fucking others you are potentially, biologically , sleeping with the others .. and that might be ok but so is your husband effectively. IS this still ok ?

    A submissive is not somebody who does not question her Master. A submissive is somebody who feels enriched when they hand over their right to decide to another in “some areas ” . This does not mean all areas , it means whatever areas the submissive decides. It is based on trust and love for each other .

    Once again the litmus test is , am I being enriched by my Master. In your case a Master should be thinking you need enrichment in the areas that your husband cannot give. He should not seek to put you at risk , your marriage nor your emotions.

    To me it sounds like you must requestion your definition of what are you and why are you doing this . Finding a healthy definition will help you stay in that growth and happy path for your life . I repeat : “your life” ..
    You may be submissive but you are the only one who owns your own life .. unless you hand it over .


    • Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It is a lot to consider.
      Honestly, when I first started seeing him, I could take or leave him. I pretty much was just in it because he lived reasonably close, had a flexible schedule, and the sex was FABULOUS.
      He mentioned “really liking” me a few times, and I really had no reaction to that. We were fucking–end of story.
      Then. . .when that whole difficult episode happened, I don’t know, I feel like something shifted inside me in the aftermath. . .things became more intense. We talked a lot more. Then eventually we started going out together, to kinky and poly events, and suddenly here we are and I went from not caring to. . .this. I guess that is the natural progression of things when you gradually spend more time with someone and become more intimate, but I feel like it just snuck up on us. Neither of us planned it, we knew from the start that either of us would probably jump ship at any time, but now it’s like “Yes, but we don’t want to.”

      In regards to fucking around, I am allowed to sleep with other people, but he has to approve them first. You are right, this is not his decision to make unless I make it his, but when he told me that I just went with it. I get something out of being dominated, and in being prone to going on “sexual binges”, I like having someone to ground me and make me think before I just go out and fuck anyone. I feel like it is safer than what I was doing before, at least.

      Also, yes he sleeps with other people but we have sex that is as safe as possible. Anyone else I would be sleeping with would also be free to sleep with anyone else, because we would not be monogamous–I am married.

      So the question COULD be, am I fine with sleeping with others and the increased risk to my husband? I shouldn’t be probably, but it is what I am doing because I frankly cannot go back to living the half-life I was living before, devoid of expression of sexuality, which is something that matters deeply to me and is a major part of who I am. I do not want to leave him just because it is getting messy and complicated, because that is life.

      But if I decide that I am not getting what I need out of this d/s relationship and want to look elsewhere, then that is a different story, and that is what I am trying to figure out.

      • TH says:

        Yes you need to work that balance and need out between your marriage and your personal needs ..and you need to have someone who you let dominate you must understand that too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s