Walls Coming DownPosted: January 9, 2014
Sir is away again. His grandmother is dying and he had to fly out today to say good-bye and attend services. I at least had the sensitivity to ask how he was handling it. Once he told me that he was fine–she had lived to 95, and they were going to celebrate her life–I allowed myself to feel disappointment. He will only be gone for 5 days this time, a far cry from the month he was gone before, but I seriously want to cry. We were supposed to attend a kinky event at a club on Friday night. There was even talk of me staying the night for the first time. This is his first weekend without his kids since he’s been back, and now we don’t get that time together.
I feel like all we have had since he has been home are little snippets of time. I want more. Next weekend we are supposed to be attending a party or two together, but I am not overly hopeful. He gets his kids back Friday afternoon, and any number of things could happen that could cause him to cancel.
I haz a sad.
I know this is just the nature of the beast, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
And I hate the way I feel. I am trying to staunch the flow of emptiness that is spreading, and I loathe my inability to define what is happening in me. I am not daft enough to think it is love. It is too nuanced and ambivalent to be infatuation. Lust seems closer to the mark, but not quite accurate. Maybe it is submission–is this how it feels to belong to someone?
All I know is, its unsettling. I am not a fan. Part of me wants to lean into it, and nuzzle deep inside the moments when I am with him and everything seems right. The rest of me wants out–now. It would be a loss, but then it would be over and I would feel normal again. I wanted something more. A real relationship, an extension of my family, a true connection–but I was not ready for the way this would complicate my emotional life. Will it be better when he comes back and things settle down?
Unlikely. Regardless of whether or not he’s in town, he has his kids every other week and it becomes hard for us to see each other regularly with our respective work schedules. If I was legitimately his girlfriend, then eventually (once the divorce was final and some time had passed), I would be able to meet his kids, and them being there would no longer automatically mean us not being together. But since he tossed out that dirty word–affair–it seems like I will remain cut off from this part of his life for the duration. And he cannot be in mine, at least not now, because it is too soon and because he is not properly poly.
Of course things could develop. Of course it could change. He could change his views, we could become so important to one another that we push through the discomfort and do what we need to do to really have something. Or he could start dating someone else, someone single, leaving even less time for me.
I guess we will have to talk (again). Maybe I will be so overwhelmed with these feelings when he gets back that it will all just come out. Or maybe I will want to savor him for a little while before bringing all of this up. He has said things that have contradicted each other. And of course now, with him gone, I am going into over-analyzing mode, picking his words apart and re-arranging them to see what they might mean. What did it mean when he said he was struggling to commit emotionally because his last girlfriend was also married and he was devastated when she left? What did he mean when he said he wanted to be in love? Do these things preclude me? Or is he already getting close, and looking for reassurance? It is likely the former. And that is probably best. But I do not know how I am ever going to get what I want–with him or with anyone else–when I am afraid of the walls coming down and the potential for pain to rush in.