ControlPosted: January 14, 2014
Sir isn’t speaking to me, but I’m pretty sure it should be the other way around. I am so unhappy with him right now. It may be over.
He got back from his trip this morning and texted me telling me that if I wanted to get fucked, I needed to come to his place. I asked if he could pick me up since I fell the other day and tore a muscle in my shoulder. It really hurts, my entire back is extremely painful, and the doctor is recommending physio. I am not supposed to drive.
He refused. I said I might be able to drive again in a couple of weeks. He said “Wow, two weeks without cock.” I said I could try. He said he had a meeting from 7-9 and I could come over after that. I worked until 6:30 and would have to take the bus home (I had to leave the car at home for my husband to pick my son up from school), and then drive back to his place. I was not sure how my shoulder would be doing–I am not even supposed to be working again but I need the money too much to wait until it is better.
Anyway. I checked my phone at work, and I had a text from him saying that his meeting is cancelled so I can come over whenever. I asked if he would be able to pick me up from work so I didn’t have to take the bus all the way home and then drive all the way to his place, but he said no. He said instead I should take a bus to “somewhere around ____ street” and he would pick me up somewhere along there.
For so many reasons, I just couldn’t do that. I had no idea which bus to get to end up where he wanted me to be. That street is a main one that runs through several cities, I could have been waiting a VERY long time. I have a horrid sense of direction and get lost all the time–it was possible I’d never find my way back and he’d never find me. How would he even recognize me, in the dark, wearing my long black coat, me on the sidewalk and him driving on the street? It just wasn’t going to happen. So I took the bus home, quickly freshened up and changed, and drove to his house. My body was hurting and halfway there my piece of shit car filled with the scent of burning. I had no idea what was happening but I turned the heat off and that seemed to take care of it. So there I was, in heels and a short skirt, freezing my ass off with no heat, my arms aching from hours at work and then having to drive (when I shouldn’t have been working OR driving), and I pulled up to his house.
Right away I noticed that the driveway was a solid sheet of ice, and the lawn was piled with snow and covered with ice. I was in heels. I’ve already been injured by slipping on the ice. I call him and ask him to come out and help me. He refuses. I ask again, saying I really have to pee, and that I am afraid I am going to fall and hurt myself again, and he tells me to get my ass inside. He doesn’t care if I pee my pants, and if I can’t walk then I can crawl. Through the snow and ice. In a skirt.
So, not giving a fuck, I pull up my skirt, pull down my panties, and pee on his lawn. I have no shame. Then I make my way very, very carefully towards the house and manage to get to the porch without slipping. I open the door, and he is sitting on the couch in the living room, out of sight.
He tells me to come in there–I do. He tells me to get naked and suck his cock–I don’t. I am so upset. He doesn’t care if I am injured (when I told him about it when it first happened he showed absolutely zero concern), he has not made any time for me lately and seems to think I don’t require an active connection in order to submit to someone, he made me choose between doing something unsafe and something unsafe in order to see him, and he couldn’t even show me the courtesy of getting up to help me when I was genuinely in distress.
In the end, I refused to suck him. I just couldn’t. I was too hurt and I felt too unsafe. I am a submissive, I am not a “toy” or a “slave”. I will submit to someone who makes me feel safe–that is the only way that there is any freedom or pleasure in it. If he is not going to take care of me, then I will not obey him. It is that simple.
He told me to leave without giving me a chance to explain any of that. He texted me saying that I need to stop acting like a brat and fighting for control–that I serve him, not the other way around. I explained everything I just said above–that I couldn’t obey him because due to his flagrant disrespect for my well-being, I could not trust that I was safe with him. He told me to stop trying to justify my actions–that I will be rewarded when and only when I serve him without challenging him. That I think it is all about me. I told him he is allowed to hurt me, but he is not allowed to harm me.
He said he is not speaking to me now. Despite the fact that he says communication and honesty are the most important things in this lifestyle, he is giving me the silent treatment. I’m not sure how long that is going to last. I am not the type of person who likes to wait to resolve a conflict–I would rather talk it out, even if it means we break up, then sit on it.
I am very hurt that he refuses to see my side. I am ready to just walk. I am unfulfilled enough in the rest of my life, I don’t need to be miserable in the one area that is supposed to make me happy.