Serial MiseryPosted: January 31, 2014
I am all over the place lately. One moment I am happy, the next I am angry, the next I feel like there is an elephant standing on my chest, cutting off my air supply.
I have thought about taking some time off from the whole alternative scene, to figure out exactly what I am looking for, but I feel like the only way to know what I want and need is trial and error. I wonder if I have it in me? Do I have it in me to continue to meet people, experiment with them, form relationships, and move on when it doesn’t work out? What is worse–a series of short term pseudo-relationships (which is all I have had so far), or several that last a long time, break my heart in the end, but have actually been substantial?
If I feel like I cannot handle the pain/stress/drama of polyamory/open marriage, then the sensible thing would be for me to put it on the back-burner for awhile. Yet I can’t see myself doing that, for the simple reason that I am so lonely. I feel like I am suffocating. My husband is emotionally and sexually unavailable. He has major, major intimacy issues. He is angry much of the time, about our life and the fact that it has pretty much gone the opposite of what he wanted. And being around him for too long makes me feel like I am drowning and need to come up for air. I am miserable in my marriage. But there is nothing to be done about that. We barely have enough money to support one household, let alone two. We recently talked about separating, but it is just not possible. We are still quite fond of each other and love each other in a very specific way, but we were never right for each other. It isn’t anyone’s fault and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either one of us, we are just not a match. But as I said before, there is no solution for that at this time. We have two very young kids, very little money and next to no support. And we are both looking for work all over the country–if we separated, we would not move together, and what would happen to the children? Having the kids being raised in two homes would be hard enough on them without having one of their parents in another part of the country altogether. Especially when they are so young, and especially because, honestly, neither of us could handle them both full time without help. We have no one besides each other. Does it make a whole lot of sense for one of us to move across the country for the other one’s job (whoever happens to get hired first, wherever they happen to get hired), when we should never have got married in the first place? Maybe not objectively, but even if we are not meant to be romantic partners for one another, we are a family and at this point it is best for us to stick together.
In just the short while that I have been without other partners, I feel like I am sinking. Yet I don’t just want any partner, I want the right partner. How can I find that without putting myself out there? I want someone who is willing to commit to me, to consider whatever we would have to be a real relationship, regardless of the fact that I am married. Someone who is also attached, so they do not feel like they are being short-changed by not having me as their full-time lover. Someone who is NOT cheating on their spouse or girlfriend, but is ethically non-monogamous, and would be interested in becoming a real part of my life and family, instead of considering me a vice, or their dirty little secret.