Breakdown: ImminentPosted: March 8, 2014
Waiting for your imminent mental breakdown is fascinating. Each day you wake up feeling like today might be the day you crack. You are acutely aware that any event, at any moment, could be the trigger that leads to your own personal Armageddon. It becomes almost a challenge–you know you are about to break, but you force yourself to check mark your way through your daily activities, because well, that’s what one does, right?
But you feel your stitches coming loose. You feel the house of cards swaying at the slightest movement. You watch with a sense of detachment and dread, like a person witnessing the final moments before their car careens headfirst into the set of headlights on an oncoming truck.
The scariest part is, having absolutely no idea where this breakdown will take place and what it will look like. Maybe it will be manageable enough, like waking up one morning and deciding that you are simply not getting out of bed any time in the foreseeable future. There will be therapist appointments and medications and tears, but as breakdowns go, this one is not too bad.
What happens if, however, due to your stubborn insistence on “doing the things people do,” it takes place, say, at work? And manifests itself in the form of hurling a boiling pot of coffee at a customer who had the nerve to ask for another sugar packet? This is where it gets scary, because I can absolutely see that happening. There will be newspaper articles and police officers and mental hospitals, and result in me never being employed anywhere ever again. Which suits me just fine at this point, because all I really want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and not come out again.