The Other Side: The End

The Other Side Part I

The Other Side Part II

The Other Side Part III

Last night I was up late reading. One of the main characters of the novel described a news event in which a mother was on the ground, howling in despair, because she had been informed that the rescue crew would not be performing any more evacuations on her child’s school, which had been reduced to rubble.

Her child was still inside, and dead or alive, she would never see that child again because it was too dangerous for the professionals to continue their efforts.

I was hit with a wave of grief so strong that an animalistic, strangled cry tore from my throat and tears gushed down my face. I was imagining being that mother. I experienced her absolute devastation at knowing that her child would not survive. I thought of my kids, trapped in a building, unable to escape, and the rescue crew being forbidden to go back inside. I knew they would not be able to stop me–I would trample them to get into that building. I would find my kids no matter what. I would happily murder anyone who got in my way, hurl boulders, walk through fire, die in those hallways before I would allow my children to stay in there while I remained on the outside.

And then I thought, I am the evacuation crew. I am the reporter, standing by helplessly. I am the person who decided “We can’t go in after them. It’s too dangerous. It’s them or us, and I choose us.”

Can I describe my pain? Are there words to convey how I cried myself dry, buckled over with sorrow? How desperate I was to go back, to make a different choice, to not have done this? How do I explain being a mother who chose the two children she knows over the one that she doesn’t? Who calmly signed forms and accepted an IV and opened her legs and floated high on sedatives while they ripped out a life and threw it in the trash, chatting over top of me as though I was merely getting a manicure?

How do I explain it? How? How?

It is not exactly regret–it is more a sense of failure. Of knowing my limitations as a person and a woman and a mother caused this. That if I was more successful, more mentally stable, more patient, more together, this would not have been my choice. I would not have been in a situation in which it was the pregnancy or us, the embryo or us, the baby or us. If only I was braver, stronger, richer. If only I was the type of mother who could smile wryly with surprise and then start shopping for baby items. But I had been that mother twice, and I could not be her again.

If only I could. If only I was. If only.

5 Comments on “The Other Side: The End”

  1. frenzysub says:

    I had to do the same thing about 5 years ago. I was traumatized for months afterwards. The father had begged me to marry him and really wanted to have the child. I barely knew him and felt like I was in a CAGE. A year before I divorced from the father of my two small children and was suddenly a single mother. I had dropped out of college and got married because of pregnancy. I had no business getting married but wanted to give it a go. There was no way I was doing that again. Every time I closed my eyes….I felt like I was caught in a trap…Again. Sounds selfish when I type it and I have not completely forgiven myself but I do not regret my decision.

    • Thank you. It helps to know that someone understands. It is hard. Most abortion grief resources are pro-life. They want you to admit you did something that is morally reprehensible–that no one should be allowed to do. It is not that simple. I am still pro choice. Sometimes we are in impossible situations. We do what we need to do.We make choices no one should ever have to make.

  2. May I be so bold as to offer you my opinion? I apologize if you take any offence regarding my opinion, but i feel like I should say it.

    Have you heard of the term ‘Everything happens for a reason’? I sort of live by that. It gets me through the day. Your situation is quite jumbled up. and the longer you wait to make your decision, the longer you’re gonna get attached to the ’embryo/foetus’.

    As you’ve said, you’re ‘pro life’ but instead of just thinking of the inital birth as life, think of the next 5 or 10 or 20 years of this kid. You’ve said before in your previous posts of how your husband usually takes care of the kids ( and I honestly dont know anything else regarding your family, that why it seems improper to comment, hence i apologize if i hurt you ) and he does this for its HIS kids. I know men have their egos and wouldnt raise any other child the same as their own, fex exceptions though. But could you put your husband through that? Somehow I feel like that might put a bigger wedge between the two of you.

    Would you want this ‘new kid’ to go through most of their life with their mom who goes missing half the time, on ‘adventures’. What if your kids found out. or worse, what if this ‘new kid’ found out that your husband isnt her father?
    My parents werent ready for kids and some part of me believes they still arent. Being Pro life isnt just not getting an abortion. Its about giving a meaning and a fulfilled life to this ‘person’. I know kids can be a huge burden as Ive seen my parents struggle every day. and I assume you and your husband struggle alot aswell. most of the time, your kids get affected alot too. emotionally. would you want to add another new person to it?

    With regards to my initial statement about how Everything happens for a reason, maybe this is a sign that you should slow things down and focus more on your kids who are your future and your husband who is still devoted to you. Maybe you should be the kind of mom your kids will want to grow up to be like. Right now, I assume theyre still small, but when they get to college or uni they’re going to know alot about you and other moms. and trust me, you’d want your kids to look up to YOU and not other moms.

    In the end, its your decision. What YOU do affects everything else. if you choose to have the kid, its going to alter your entire life and future and your kids lives and your husbands life. but if you decided to not, maybe you can try going back to your family and being the kind of mom your kids will one day want to be exactly like.

    Again, I know I’m ENTIRELY wrong in saying all this and I apologize but i really mean no offence. Im aware that our cultures and backgrounds are entirely different, but sometimes it’s nice to hear a completely different opinion even if you dont want to agree with it. and you should be able to live with your decision after this without ever thinking ‘what if’. I know this must be extremely hard but you have to think of your family too. Because its the most precious thing in the world.

    Im sorry again if I sounded rude or a bitch. I didnt mean any offence.

    I hope you sort things out.
    Good luck

    • Thank you. I agree and that is why I made the decision that I did. It still hurts, though. I also agree that I need to re-evaluate my life. I am not ashamed of how sexual I am, but I do need to take less risks and be more careful about who I get involved with. I need to create a better life for myself so that sex is an activity I enjoy, not something I use to hide from my life.

  3. plantpage says:

    Still here if you want to talk

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