Hide and Seek

I want to be happy. I want a life. Sex should be a part of my life, it shouldn’t define it.

I am a sensual person, a sexual person, but I should not have to depend on other people to give me satisfaction.

I have said before that there is no high that can compare to sex–that jumping out of airplanes, becoming a pyrotechnic, climbing mountains or riding motorcycles all pale in comparison.

But is it true? I think I’ve forgotten.

I need to use my body and I need to listen to it. I need to enjoy it. I need to let the soft animal of it love what it loves. But addiction is not living–it is compulsion. I do not want to be ruled by my pussy and its demands.

I am sensual. I realized just how true this is at work of all places. My co-worker ran her fingers along my back and I trembled for the next four hours. Standing next to the industrial toaster warmed my skin to the point that I had to fight not to curl up and go to sleep. A soft breeze from the drive-through window gave me goosebumps that made me tingle from head to feet. My body needs attention.

But by relying on sex, I have been taking the easy way. And I have wound up so very hurt. If I hurt, I want to hurt good. I want to hurt in a way that improves my life instead of crushing it. I used to go to the gym–treadmills, rowing machines, exercise bikes, crunches. I gave my body endorphins and adrenaline, and I came home feeling energized and real. I used to do yoga, improving my posture and flexibility, allowing myself to breathe instead of think, feeling calm and capable. I played Just Dance with my husband and lost myself in my need to move.

I miss laying on the beach and allowing the sun to penetrate my skin with its warmth. I miss allowing photography to train my eye to capture beauty. I miss allowing the brush strokes of paint on canvas to convey my feelings. I miss socializing with people I have no chance of having sex with.

I want a life. I want to be a person again. I want to have goals, relationships, experiences that do not involve my mouth on a pussy or a dick in my vagina. I do not want to hide away under someone else’s sweaty body, craving for each thrust to drive away my unhappiness.

I do not want to hide anymore. I want to build an existence I don’t need to hide from.

5 Comments on “Hide and Seek”

  1. phoenixasubbie says:

    Hugs. Sounds like you’re on a path to a better place…

  2. z says:

    That is where you must be , the place that feeds all parts of you .. . Not all the time , but enough that all of you is happy , fulfilled .. The caveat is addictions .. they never can have “enough” . They will often take away from other parts of you that need to be fed by stealing that time or focus from loved ones or things you need to achieve .. So it is a case of balancing . It is no different to eating , if you continue to over eat you will become fat .. you must moderate eating , just like sleeping , just like very hard activity .. There is always a consequence to too much and indeed not enough ..

    So if you can keep your addiction to sex in a moderate swing you might have focus to enjoy the other things you need in life. Remember also that at the highest and lowest points the addictions have most power . .Yes at your highest , happy moments .. an addiction can swing you full circle to enjoy her sweet scent just like icing on a cake .. ” why not treat yourself , you are on top of the world ” scenario ..

    I have been there ..

    I wish you luck .. hugsx

    • Thank you.
      That is what feels so hopeless about this–that I can never have enough. If I thought I would ever be satisfied then I would probably just keep going, but its pointless because I won’t be.
      I will always be craving more.

      But it is hard to give it up…and of course sex is normal and natural and not something I can give up altogether. So that makes it tricky.

  3. “I do not want to hide away under someone else’s sweaty body, craving for each thrust to drive away my unhappiness.”
    This is me. This is exactly me.
    Sex is my drug too. I go to another place when I’m in the midst of it and then afterward reality punches me in the gut. I am on a constant search for the middle ground; the place where I am having sex not to satiate some craving to take away the pain, but to connect with another human being. For pleasure, not pain relief. I wish there were a magic pill. But I’d probably get addicted to that too.

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