Hide and SeekPosted: March 22, 2014
I want to be happy. I want a life. Sex should be a part of my life, it shouldn’t define it.
I am a sensual person, a sexual person, but I should not have to depend on other people to give me satisfaction.
I have said before that there is no high that can compare to sex–that jumping out of airplanes, becoming a pyrotechnic, climbing mountains or riding motorcycles all pale in comparison.
But is it true? I think I’ve forgotten.
I need to use my body and I need to listen to it. I need to enjoy it. I need to let the soft animal of it love what it loves. But addiction is not living–it is compulsion. I do not want to be ruled by my pussy and its demands.
I am sensual. I realized just how true this is at work of all places. My co-worker ran her fingers along my back and I trembled for the next four hours. Standing next to the industrial toaster warmed my skin to the point that I had to fight not to curl up and go to sleep. A soft breeze from the drive-through window gave me goosebumps that made me tingle from head to feet. My body needs attention.
But by relying on sex, I have been taking the easy way. And I have wound up so very hurt. If I hurt, I want to hurt good. I want to hurt in a way that improves my life instead of crushing it. I used to go to the gym–treadmills, rowing machines, exercise bikes, crunches. I gave my body endorphins and adrenaline, and I came home feeling energized and real. I used to do yoga, improving my posture and flexibility, allowing myself to breathe instead of think, feeling calm and capable. I played Just Dance with my husband and lost myself in my need to move.
I miss laying on the beach and allowing the sun to penetrate my skin with its warmth. I miss allowing photography to train my eye to capture beauty. I miss allowing the brush strokes of paint on canvas to convey my feelings. I miss socializing with people I have no chance of having sex with.
I want a life. I want to be a person again. I want to have goals, relationships, experiences that do not involve my mouth on a pussy or a dick in my vagina. I do not want to hide away under someone else’s sweaty body, craving for each thrust to drive away my unhappiness.
I do not want to hide anymore. I want to build an existence I don’t need to hide from.