Suck it up and screw mePosted: March 27, 2014
I am more than a little confused about what I need and want right now. Sometimes I am so horny I feel like I would have sex with the first person who asks, and sometimes I feel quite the opposite. I mean, I’m horny regardless, but I am just so emotionally raw.
Last night I went out with a girl I met at a Fet party, L. We’d been out once before, then through a couple months of life getting in the way, hadn’t been able to schedule anything until last night. She told me she was on the rag so I was pretty sure nothing would happen. We grabbed a drink and some appetizers after work and just talked.
She knows Suicide Girl, my ex-Mistress. They worked together ten years ago and recently re-connected through the lifestyle. So when she and Suicide Girl talked recently, the subject of me came up. I asked L what Suicide Girl had said about what happened between us, mainly because I wanted to know if she was blabbing about my pregnancy and subsequent termination to every curious ear. L said she wasn’t sure how much she could say because she wanted to respect Suicide Girl’s privacy, and I was sort of like “Fuck this shit, what happened isn’t even Suicide Girl’s story to tell!” So I wound up telling L everything. Mostly because I just wanted to see if it matched up with what she had been told. She told me that S.G. had said that things got very messy very quickly and that it just wasn’t going to work out.
And while I was glad that S.G. wasn’t out telling everyone my business, just talking about her and The Switch made me realize how much I still hurt, not just from what happened, but from their responses to it. The fact that after they found out I was pregnant they both did everything they could to convince me I had no choice but to end it. The fact that S.G. got so involved in it when really it had nothing to do with her. The fact that no one seemed to respect the fact that this was my body and my decision, or understand the complex emotions I was facing, and the fact that immediately afterwards I was dumped by them both, fills me with such rage in retrospect. As if what happened was not emotionally and mentally devastating enough without immediately being tossed out like trash, yet again.
Last night I felt okay–I was outraged, but I was drinking so that took the edge off. But this morning when I woke up I was so upset I really didn’t even want to get out of bed. Suicide Girl wanted to meet me for coffee this morning–she says she is still my friend. But I am so hurt by the fact that the only thing she cared about what making sure I didn’t fuck up her future with her boyfriend, that I just can’t see her. I just can’t.
Fet Life is another trigger for me. Every time I’m on there I end up cringing or crying. I hate the fact that my ex-Dom has a new play partner. I hate seeing the little comments The Switch and Suicide Girl leave on each other’s walls. I hate the fact that my old Dom hired Sir. S to take his new profile photos instead of me, and the fact that it appears they are best friends now. When I broke up with my Sir, Sir. S and Peanut promised they would be there for me. They said we would get together and talk it through and they would support me and make sure I was okay. That never happened, in true Sir. S fashion. I can’t decide if he is all around flaky, or just when it comes to me. Anyway. What I’m trying to say is, that despite my raging libido and mounting sexual frustration and the fact that I feel like if I don’t get laid soon I’m going to put my fist through a wall, I am just…not sure I can handle it right now. Sex, I mean. There is a party in a couple weeks that I am supposed to be attending with L, and everyone will be there. My old Dom, Switch and S.G. It is at Peanut’s house and hosted by Sir. S, so he will be there too, and I just….I don’t know if I can go. I don’t know if I can see everyone right now. But for reasons I will expand on later, it is kind of a now or never situation. Will I regret not going since this may be my last chance to see these people? Will I regret going if I do and end up hiding in the bathroom, sobbing for the entire night?
Additionally, I told L I would come over on Saturday. She wants to play with me, we are attracted to each other, have a great mental connection, and as I told her last night, I really wish I had got involved with her instead of S.G. and Switch. But while last night, playing with her seemed like a great idea, this morning I think I may bail. I know she would understand–she knows how broken I am, and was similarly taken aback by the way The Switch and Suicide Girl handled things–but I just don’t even know what I want right now. Actually, what I want is for my husband to stop falling asleep, suck it up, and screw me.
But I’m not holding my breath.