Not Sexy: Part II

(You can read Not Sexy, Part I, here)

Shame–I feel it.

Now that I am not constantly riding a sexual high, or living my life searching for my next hit, shame is back–and it is brutal.

I don’t know how much of it is merited, and how much is just the misplaced guilt that is a classic symptom of depression.

I hate myself right now. I hate pretty much everything about myself.

I hate the way I look.

I hate the way I parent.

I am a terrible excuse for a wife, and though I have not yet started my new job, I am certain I will fail–so much so that in my worst moments I think I should just turn it down.

I am a terrible housekeeper, and horribly incompetent at this thing called adulthood.

I want to quit, but because so many people are depending on me, I can’t.

This is shame.

I wonder how much of it stems from who I have been over the past year–the things I have done. I have allowed an addiction to take over my life. I have put self-gratification over everything else.

My son has a cavity? Well, I might have caught it if I wasn’t so obsessed with finding my next screw.

There’s baskets of dirty laundry in each bedroom? Should have been taking care of that instead of getting laid.

I have seriously considered selling my camera, guitar and engagement ring to pay off debt, because the relentless pursuit of my own pleasure has interfered with my responsibilities as a grown up human being with a husband to love and minions to raise. I don’t deserve to derive pleasure from anything until I can right the wrongs I have visited upon my family by becoming an addict.

Am I thinking rationally? I have no idea. All I know is that I live under the consistent weight of guilt, and I want it gone.

Part of me thinks I am slipping back into my old religious mindset–that I can’t just resolve or change to do better, I must atone. Rooted with that guilt is the idea that I must banish my sexuality–maybe that is why I don’t wear nice clothes or do my make-up anymore. Because being attractive is what led me to this place, so I should avoid going there by making sure no one ever hits on me again as long as I live.

I was taught sexuality is bad, that it is dangerous. This has been a part of my belief system for as long as I can remember. I can’t experience joy or passion or happiness because when I am feeling good I might start to feel frisky, and then who knows what could happen? If I live my life as a shell of my former self, with no feelings, if I do nothing but meet my obligations, then there is no chance that I will make a connection that will lead to more.

I know that sex is good. I know that humans have evolved to be able to experience intense sexual pleasure, for a reason. I know that it is not any more “wrong” to have sex with 100 different partners than it is to limit oneself to just 1. I know all of these things in my head, but deep down inside, I hear the word “whore.” I hear the word “slut.” I hear the word “dirty.”

I imagine my children one day finding out about my extra-marital activities and telling me I am disgusting. I picture them disowning me and telling me I am going to hell. I picture everyone reacting that way. My lifestyle has been non-traditional, and maybe deep down I have always worried that that means that it is not legitimate.

I have failed to maintain balance and I have failed to remain functional, so I feel like I have failed polyamory. That I have proved everyone right when they say that monogamy is the only way. That I have betrayed myself by straying from the well-beaten path of the mainstream.

I am addicted, and with addiction comes shame. How can I embrace my sexuality when it is something over which I have no control?

Not sexy, because I can’t be.

Not sexy, because it has hurt me.

Not sexy, because of shame.

3 Comments on “Not Sexy: Part II”

  1. In this period of rebuilding, you are going to have to let some things go. I’m only now understanding that an individual can be many things instead of just one person, but even then you can still only be one thing at a time. You have picked a person to be for this time, and you need to set that other person on the back burner.

    Shame will happen I guess, but it is something you only get rid of by just letting it go.

    And don’t assume failure from the outset. Assume that you are going to kick ass at whatever you do!

    And though you may fail at something, just take the lesson to make improvements, move on, and let go.

    It’s a long road, but you’ll do well… If you want to.

  2. chinaskie says:

    For someone so certain of her own failures, you’ve succeeded fantastically at beating yourself down. When you’re able and ready to refocus that energy, stuff is going to shift. In the meantime, what if you tried being gentle with yourself? What if what’s done is done and today is today, and you take it slow? Do a little laundry maybe. Or work on tooth brushing habits with the kids. Or think about budget stuff. Or just write a short list of some things you want to get to, and then go have tea and get close/snuggle with the kids or your husband for 30 minutes…

    You don’t have to do everything at once to atone or to succeed or to prove your worth. Do one small thing. Small things are a good start. Be gentle with yourself, whatever small thing you decide to do. You’re worth it.

    • You are right. Unfortunately I tend to feel like if I am failing in any area of my life, then my life overall is a failure. I know I shouldn’t think this way, and I guess it’s something to work on. But FYI, we have been doing a lot of teeth brushing and laundry this past week 😉

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