I have 19 new messages on the Adult Friend Finder profile I put up last night. A veritable buffet of sexual choices, right at my finger tips. I wonder what it would be like to fuck my way through the list, one by one? I could have them ALL in two weeks, maybe less if I put my mind to it.

It has been so long I almost forget what it feels like. How is that for crazy? The memory is a little fuzzy. I know I come. I know I scream. I know I writhe and squirt and that my hot, sweaty body trembles with each orgasm, alerting whoever I am with to the fact that I am on a different plane of existence.

I know all of this, but it’s like…I can’t conjure it. Not really. When I used to think back over my sex-ploits, I would go weak in the knees. My body would flush and I could feel the phantom pangs of pleasure echo through my core like after shocks. That doesn’t happen anymore. The most I get now is a faint ache. And while that should be a relief, it isn’t–I don’t even have the memories to go back to anymore. Even that has been pried from my grasp.

I could continue to muddle through–stumble along–and I’m sure that by conventional standards I would be “okay.” Steady job, 10 year relationship, 2.0 kids. Eventually a reliable car. A few years down the road a house with a yard. My question is, will I ever feel again? Will I ever be able to enjoy any of it?

Am I just in shock? Is my system numb because it knows I can’t handle everything that has happened in the past year? Should I just continue to wiggle the limbs that are asleep and wait for it to all come back in time–the ability to feel non-sexual pleasure, along with the searing pain of everything I have done? Will I be able to handle it when it does?

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