Things that gratify me

1. The steady stream of messages trickling into my Adult Friend Finder inbox. Me-ow.

2. The knowledge, acquired via FetLife searching, that The Switch and Suicide Girl have broken up. I may or may not have just blown a raspberry.

3. After careful perusing of ex-Sir’s new girlfriend’s Fet profile, I have come to the conclusion that I am a) way younger and b) way hotter than she is. (I am choosing to ignore the fact that despite this he STILL chose her over me.)

I have no idea what to make of my feelings regarding my ex-Sir. I didn’t love him. I liked him as a friend, but I wouldn’t even say I was infatuated with him or had fluttery feelings for him. It was something else. Something likened to the loyalty of a dog to his abusive, alcoholic master. Sad, but true.

I cannot get over him. I think about him and feel an emptiness in my middle. He was awful to me. He hurt me so bad and then dumped me unceremoniously, and here I am still feeling for him. Why?

Physically he wasn’t even my type–he was clean cut with a great bod, but I go for scruffy tattooed bad-asses. It’s not like we had that strong of a mental connection–we shared few interests, and emotionally we didn’t get too personal. So what the hell is up? Is it just the sting of rejection?

Today I read a blog post from a recovery friend, detailing the characteristics of sex and love addicts, and this one hit home:

“We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.”

Is that what it is? Even if I know in my brain that we had NOTHING, is some other part of me feeling bad because it is needy and has latched onto something that was nothing more than a sexual relationship and shallow friendship?

I want a lover–a real one. I want to be with someone who truly loves and cares about me, for whom I feel passion. Why does it seem that everyone else falls ass-backwards into these kinds of affairs, while I am always in a situation in which I mean nothing to my play partner, or they mean nothing to me?

Further more, why is a lover the thing that I am craving? Why not friendship? I took my kids to the playground today. While we were still somewhat far away, I noticed a man sitting at the picnic tables, watching his child play. And my first thought was “Oh shit, I should have done my make-up.” Just because there was a male in the vicinity. And yet there were a couple of mothers there with their children, and at no time did I consider making friends with them.

Of course I’d love a sexy mom friend to play around with, but I’m sure that’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

I digress. Why is it only an affair partner that can fill this hole? Why not platonic friendship? It makes me wonder if the problem is that I am really just craving sex, or if it’s that I prefer physical intimacy to emotional for some reason.

This has been a drunken post by badlittlegoodgirl. Time to eat chips, watch Gossip Girl, masturbate to amateur porn, and fall asleep alone on my side of the bed.


14 Comments on “Things that gratify me”

  1. Spunky80 says:

    You would be surprised just how easy it is to find a female fwb. Ive done it a few times. The most frustrating part is weeding thru the fakes and bi-curious ones. Try it.

    • I’ve posted an add on CraigsList a couple of times. The first time I weeded through the responses and found one woman I thought I clicked with. We met for coffee, talked and laughed for hours, but we both admitted we didn’t really have any sexual chemistry.

      The second time I was contacted by two different women. One disappeared after a few messages (she had a boyfriend and would have been cheating, so she may have got cold feet), and the other *I* disappeared and stopped returning her messages because she was too hot for me lol. Oy.

      • Spunky80 says:

        My fwb, she’s actually become my best friend, I’ve been seeing her for three years. And my current gf, both from Craig’s. But both, it took months of searching and talking. It just takes time. If thats something that may help you get thru what you’re going thru now, it might be worth it. Girls are a harder pursuit but sometimes worth the effort.

      • That’s kind of what I was looking for. I phrased it as wanting a BFF with benefits. There is a local poly group that I am thinking of joining. Their first meeting was yesterday but I missed it because Hubby had a work thing. So now I need to wait until next month. I haven’t had many BFFWB before, but when I have it was awesome.

        I am feeling so overwhelmed already by all the men who have contacted me. Maybe I need to wait for something better.

      • Spunky80 says:

        I would love to go to a poly meeting but not sure my hubby would come along and I dont want to go alone.

  2. chinaskie says:

    I have been that mom on the playground SO many times. The craving for physical attention and connection used to be top of mind for me. My son would be playing and I’d be scanning, eyes elsewhere. Brain and being elsewhere. Hard to keep switching back & forth between reality and what I wished would happen with a fantasy single dad. Exhausting.

    Physical intimacy is what I thought craved. But the word “intimacy” suggests there is a mutual sharing happening between two people. Something with a meaning, an appreciation and respect. What I was getting was “consent”. Men wanted to fuck me and play with me. They didn’t care about me or my well-being. They were nice, some nicer than others. I’d say that was them keeping the “supply” close, not genuine interest of any kind.

    And I was using them. I was so fucking lonely in my marriage, I wanted to fall and be excited by someone who could make me feel wanted and desired. I loved the chase and the connection – I thought it was intimacy. I thought they were giving me something I craved. I imagined great things and exchanges of mutual appreciation and concern while fucking like crazy. But they were just willing partners. They wanted nothing more from me. So my craving was never satisfied. I didn’t realize what this cycle was that I was living. So I kept at it. And at it. Until I just couldn’t anymore because I wasn’t getting what I needed. They couldn’t give it to me. No one else could.

    Once I realized that what I wanted and needed couldn’t be gotten through casual or kinky or anonymous sex, I really had to look inward. The craving came from somewhere, but it wasn’t where I thought. And what I thought I knew about intimacy was wrong. I struggled to figure out and admit what I was missing.

    Who wants to look at and admit their fear and deepest pain? No addict, I’ll tell you that. Most of us can’t. We buried it years ago and coped to keep it down. We just don’t know how to access our true feelings or our true selves. If we did, we wouldn’t be hiding, deceiving others and ourselves and putting ourselves in degrading or dangerous situations. We’d be living lives that included things we truly loved doing and we might make a few more good friends. And we wouldn’t feel the relentless guilt and shame that went with us everywhere. We’d be walking the earth just a little lighter.

    Sorry for the rambling. I just hear a lot of myself in you. Keep asking questions. There are answers. 🙂

    • I like your rambling–it helps to know that there are people out there who understand me. This is hard. I just feel like life is so short and so pointless–I really see no meaning whatsoever. It hurts to basically know that I am forced to live this life I don’t want to live and do these things I don’t want to do just to continue to be part of society, when it is all pointless bullshit.

      Is it wrong to just want to take the edge off and experience whatever pleasure I can?

      • chinaskie says:

        A question:

        When did you start feeling that life was short and pointless?

        A thought:
        “Wrong” is a fairly black and white judgement we make often based on a number of outside factors. The question I’d ask myself is, “Is it wrong for ME to do what I’ve been doing since it ultimately makes me feel worse?” If your life is improved and stabilized or at the very least not jeopardizing the well-being and safety if you and those you love, then maybe it’s suited to you. I’d take an honest look…

      • I started feeling that life was short and pointless when I realized that Christianity made no sense to me. I’d always thought I was here for a purpose, that everything happens for a reason, etc. I completely lost my footing when I realized that I am just a random consequence of the universe, that I am no more important than a tree or a butterfly or a squirrel.

        I am just a highly evolved animal, and so I decided to behave like one.

  3. plantpage says:

    I’m here waiting for you my dear

  4. plantpage says:

    I am tempting. What are you gonna do about it???

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