Things that gratify mePosted: May 18, 2014
1. The steady stream of messages trickling into my Adult Friend Finder inbox. Me-ow.
3. After careful perusing of ex-Sir’s new girlfriend’s Fet profile, I have come to the conclusion that I am a) way younger and b) way hotter than she is. (I am choosing to ignore the fact that despite this he STILL chose her over me.)
I have no idea what to make of my feelings regarding my ex-Sir. I didn’t love him. I liked him as a friend, but I wouldn’t even say I was infatuated with him or had fluttery feelings for him. It was something else. Something likened to the loyalty of a dog to his abusive, alcoholic master. Sad, but true.
Physically he wasn’t even my type–he was clean cut with a great bod, but I go for scruffy tattooed bad-asses. It’s not like we had that strong of a mental connection–we shared few interests, and emotionally we didn’t get too personal. So what the hell is up? Is it just the sting of rejection?
Today I read a blog post from a recovery friend, detailing the characteristics of sex and love addicts, and this one hit home:
“We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.”
Is that what it is? Even if I know in my brain that we had NOTHING, is some other part of me feeling bad because it is needy and has latched onto something that was nothing more than a sexual relationship and shallow friendship?
I want a lover–a real one. I want to be with someone who truly loves and cares about me, for whom I feel passion. Why does it seem that everyone else falls ass-backwards into these kinds of affairs, while I am always in a situation in which I mean nothing to my play partner, or they mean nothing to me?
Further more, why is a lover the thing that I am craving? Why not friendship? I took my kids to the playground today. While we were still somewhat far away, I noticed a man sitting at the picnic tables, watching his child play. And my first thought was “Oh shit, I should have done my make-up.” Just because there was a male in the vicinity. And yet there were a couple of mothers there with their children, and at no time did I consider making friends with them.
Of course I’d love a sexy mom friend to play around with, but I’m sure that’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
I digress. Why is it only an affair partner that can fill this hole? Why not platonic friendship? It makes me wonder if the problem is that I am really just craving sex, or if it’s that I prefer physical intimacy to emotional for some reason.
This has been a drunken post by badlittlegoodgirl. Time to eat chips, watch Gossip Girl, masturbate to amateur porn, and fall asleep alone on my side of the bed.