The Experience of Knowing You

I met the man I had my first dom/sub experience with, right after getting my heart broken by my very first lover.

I wanted to feel safe–protected, and possessed. But that’s not all I wanted.

We sat in the back of a crowded downtown cafe, drinking lemonade. We went through his questions for me, and then I asked him mine, pausing before the last one.

“Do you want me to love you?” I asked, searching his face.


Halfway through my relationship with D.F., we had a conversation. He said he wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was, given the fact that I was married. This was fine with him when he was merely separated, but as the finalization of his divorce loomed he realized he’d be single, and I wouldn’t be. He told me he wanted to be in love.

I said “I want to be in love too.”

As if that settled it. As if the fact that we both wanted to be in love meant that now he would accept me as his, husband and all.


I wonder if, today, I am still looking for the same thing. I know I want to be taken care of. I know I want to belong to somebody. I know I want something more than just being a convenient lay on their speed dial. Does that mean that I want to be in love?

I think I want something simple. Something pure. It doesn’t need a label, though I am still tempted to grasp for one, even knowing that words don’t mean much. What I want, is the undiluted joy that I get from spending time with people who just get me. I want uncomplicated affection–the kind that is given freely, without fear.

What I want is what I get from my handful of friends I’m still close with from high school. We can go years without seeing each other but we never feel like we no longer know each other. We pick up from where we left off. We trust. We accept. We love, unconditionally and without reservation. There is no wondering where we stand. There is none of that jr.high best friend hierarchy bullshit. There are just people who understand and care deeply for one another, who will always enjoy each other’s company, and who know that someone is rooting for them and has their back.


That is what I want–for my lovers to be my people. My community, my family, the ones I go to when I just want to be reminded of who I am. I want to play. I want to have fun. I want to be bratty or morose or emotional or silly and to have a space and a person who doesn’t blink at any of it.

I want someone to say “Throw who you are at me–I have no need to make you anything other than that person. I do not depend on you for anything other than the experience of knowing you.”

In marriage, so often, we have a hard time doing this. I think its because the outcomes of the actions of the person we are with affect our lives so much. You can’t have a partner and not have a stake in what they are doing–their successes and failures impact the overall life of your family.

With a lover, it doesn’t have to be that way. You care for them, but its different. Your lives are not necessarily enmeshed. That is the beauty of friendship–you can love in a way that is unsullied, pushing your people to do what is best for them, because it’s their life and you are not thinking about what the effect is going to be on you.

I want that kind of love. I want more of it.

I don’t need to be the girlfriend, as long as I’m one of your people.


7 Comments on “The Experience of Knowing You”

  1. Enid Coleslaw says:

    I love this post. I’ve been pondering this exact thing a lot lately as my first full blown love affair comes to an end. I’m wondering what it is I want out of whatever comes next. I really appreciate your outlook and sentiment. I just want to be someone’s person as well. It’s a good thing to be. I’ve really enjoyed being that and having that with someone these last eight months. I don’t think I can settle for much less now that I’ve had this experience.

  2. plantpage says:

    It’s all here waiting for you my dear.

  3. d says:

    I think this applies to everybody including me , not just you .. this is not a judgement response ,it’s simply my thoughts . You offer us your honesty , the least we can do is offer ours in return .Sometimes it may not be what you want to hear but I figure you rather hear raw truth as seen by others than some bullshit just to make you feel ok for 10 minutes ..

    What you are seeking isn’t possible in your current life ( IMO) and in reality it isn’t likely to be possible in another .. it’s so easy to have friends who give you (us) the space yet give you the understanding .. because it is a non permanent , low consequence , broad distance weak bond friendship. This means they can walk any time and it means very little in a physical sense .. maybe heart break .. ok ..However, walk away from a significant partner , lover who’s children you share , you share a house , assets , intense day to day ( close distance ) history. The consequences of your actions are ( as you stated ) far more significant and so typically for 99.9% of the population , they will not sit idle and give you the wide birth you speak of , a life as if it had no consequence .

    While you are out enjoying the pleasures of multiple partners and run real risks of pregnancy , diseases , heart breaks , emotional upheaval etc you then place at risk the consequences of young children ( your own ) because they then have to manage a life where parents are not together . So in effect you swap your happiness for theirs prioritise yourself over them .. Is it wrong ? no, but this has a real consequence .

    In reality people grow up with divorced parents but I think most of us would admit .. it would be nicer to have two parents who loved each other enough to want to live together and share with the kids … who would honestly prefer the broken marriage model ?

    We have to take into account 2 things :that there is a real difference between sex and love and also 6 months and 60 years .. Peoples rules about sex are not the same when it comes to love .. Some people will fuck you and say they love you but when they become available to be with you they may walk .. It’s not the same thing and few people will openly admit this . Some people have some very skewed emotional rules .. An easy experiment is to simply say I might be getting a divorce and see how that lover reacts , often it is back peddling .

    To be with somebody for 60 years demands a different emotional fitness to that of a 6 month of sex bending bdsm .. Lick a pussy for 20+ years .. it’s different to the first time .. it is .. it just is .. it’s a different mindset and set of emotions . That is why some people love the casual random fuck .. it is different kind of intensity . .. the unknown .. the riding on the edge feeling .. the feeling of risk .. Anybody who has done this will know what I am talking about .

    You cannot have the 6 month BDSM trip intensity over 60 years of being with somebody . What you are asking is like trying to be a great sprinter and a great long distance , you will notice the physiques and mindset and training .. I’ll say that twice .. training … are different and for a reason . You cannot be both .
    So asking for the benefits of small consequence friendships within your large consequence marriage is like being a sprinter and a long distance in one ..
    Now I am not saying you cannot have passion or intensity in marriage or a BDSM trip of sex but in reality can you sustain such a life with children about the house as opposed to you being single and available to have sex all day anytime ? Inviting him over at 2am when you are horny and fucking till morning .. walking around naked on Saturday being penetrated at a moments notice in a random part of the house .. kids make this difficult .. .. therefore there are real physical boundaries the world presents us .. so we must make choices , compromises about what we need to draw from life. it is a different emotional mindset , some may call it maturity .. yes maturity to make choices that are not ideal .

    There are always the unique opportunities to live life at 0.01% existence , a husband who would enjoy seeing you or allowing you to find a Master or Sir while remaining married , all above board. I know first hand couples like this exist , and are very happy . They can have the kids , have love ( that is less classically structured ) and enjoy an individual poly like lifestyle . The KEY difference is this ..between you and them : Their long term chosen partners are suitable to this life . It is not a sacrifice made by one partner to allow for the other , it is a real desire for both to have the lifestyle they need .. it is sustainable connections that can last over a lifetime ..

    What you constantly experience is the swinging between trying to be the classical wife and the person that is you emotionally / sexually .. the swings can become extreme and during that time they make you extremely hyper emotionally , even irrational when the stress is high . You will find that under these extremes you feel the need to swing hard to the other side to make up for the complete foolish acts you just performed ( or a feeling of numbness and lifelessness) .. Yes I am talking from experience ..

    So back to that word “training” . One must train emotionally and physically for the life that is intended in order to be content / happy. In reality you must choose a path and train at it and like everything else in life there is always a payment required for the opportunity .. “always” …
    This means pain , it means success , it means failure .. but what keeps you going is the belief that the path is your path , the one you own .

    So in the end it really is quite simple .. 3x paths ..
    a) you sacrifice what you need for the betterment of the family despite your needs and focus on what the family needs helping them be closer ..husband , you , kids ..grow old together happy and sad warts and all …
    b) risk and leave , find a partner who is that 0.01% I speak of ..
    c) continue the current path in which case you have 2 choices .. continue exactly as you are ( you understand the life that is likely there ) , or change the way you are doing this realising you have two needs and must never dip both feet into one despite how appealing it looks because it won’t be what you want completely and therefore must be an emotional illusion .

    Hope you stay well 🙂

    • The kind of relationship I described isn’t anything I want from my husband. Our relationship is built on something completely different–we have a family and are woven into the fabric of each other’s lives.

      As far as my spouse and I possibly breaking up because I have other lovers, I would say we were at a much greater risk of ending up divorced before our marriage was open. You describe it as him “making a sacrifice” for me to be sexually satisfied, but I spent 6 years horny as fuck, and I was the one sacrificing sex to be with him. In the end, we both compromised–I get to have the sex I want elsewhere, and he doesn’t have to have the sex he doesn’t want to have. It’s not perfect but it’s what gives us both the room to be who we are.

      I will not be leaving him any time soon. We are a family. Sure I could test a lover by telling them I am getting divorced and see what they say, but the fact is I don’t WANT a domestic partnership with anyone else. If I’m going to have that kind of relationship, its going to be with the person who shares my children. But even after they are grown, I don’t see myself wanting that. What I want is exactly what I talked about above, but it doesn’t involve strings. There is no desire for 60 years of cohabitation with a Dom or a 60 year BDSM trip.

      I can sustain strong friendships for years or even a lifetime with someone with whom I am not sexually involved–there is literally zero reason why I cannot add sex to this exact formula and have a friend for life with whom I do not live but do get sex and support from. Yes, things change, but that bond doesn’t have to.

      It might be hard but I know people like me are out there. I have the right to dream about having the support system and friendships and sex life that I want without anyone saying it can’t be done.

      • d says:

        Yes , I get you and I did say it is possible , I know people with such a life , but a very rare combination within the marriage .. So it can be done and yes dream yes , but just be aware of what you are asking for against the possibility that the kids or husband find out and the consequences of that .. to have your eyes open , to not invest heavily in the casual plays because you will only get smashed up .

        take care of you x

      • My husband knows I have other relationships and has given me his blessing. I check in with him often to make sure he is still okay with my non-monogamy and he assures me he’s fine with it. As for the kids, they may judge me when they are older, but I hope to raise them with the ideals that sex is normal and fun and nothing to be ashamed of, and that people should be free to have relationships and sex with whoever they want, as long as it is done ethically.

        I’m sure I’ll end up getting hurt at some point, but that is the nature of all relationships. I know my husband and I have hurt each other badly time and again. I may keep myself from falling head over heels, or I may not be able to help it. We’ll see what happens.

  4. Marty says:

    Damn I like this post. A lot

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