Maybe, maybe, maybe notPosted: June 27, 2014
I want to not be out of sorts.
I want to have plenty of sorts to go around.
In fact, I want to hoard my sorts and not give any to anyone else.
I want to be able to spill my guts without it becoming hazardous.
This is where a therapist would come in handy.
Does writing angry letters and then burning them actually work? Or will putting it into words just make it that much more likely that those same words will come out of my mouth at an unfortunate time?
You say if there is a problem just say it. Don’t hold it in or it will come out when you don’t want it to. Take control of that shit or eventually it is going to take control of you, you say. You say.
But I don’t want to, because nobody wants to be that girl. Nobody wants to be the girl who WANTS. Nobody wants to be the girl who NEEDS. Nobody wants to be the girl who MAKES DEMANDS and HAS EXPECTATIONS. Nobody wants to be the girl who says “but you said,” “but I thought”.
I am taking my cards off the table. I am picking up my game and going home. That does not mean that I will not accept invitations to play, but you wont be invited to the after party. I will not think of you when I am not with you. I will not scrutinize your words because we both know you are just talking. You will not be getting what you want from me, even if you think you are, because karma, and also, tit for tat.
“Sir” can have the same meaning it has when I say it to an acquaintance. “Daddy” can just be a dirty turn-on. I will get what I need on my own, which may mean that your needs can’t be met by me all the time.
Maybe I won’t be available after work because I will be at the bar. Maybe I won’t sleep over, because family. Maybe I won’t pencil in our Sunday afternoon romp, because friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe not.
If I can let you into my body but not into my head, then we may continue (in a manner of speaking). If I can’t, then I will turn you out of both.
There are dicks everywhere.