One Day (but not today)Posted: July 24, 2014
In my last conversation with Sugar Daddy, after telling him multiple times, on no uncertain terms, that I was no longer his to use and abuse, he said “I will wait for you to miss the sex and apologize.”
“Keep waiting,” I replied.
“Okay. And while I’m waiting, Jailbait is coming up next weekend–and she got her tongue pierced!”
He ripped a scab off a wound that was just starting to heal. It was then that I decided, that in addition to blocking him on my phone, I was going to have to block him everywhere.
Things have been peaceful since–at least in relation to that.
And I have been doing better.
But tomorrow is the beginning of “next weekend”…the weekend where he will, once again, be giving her all the things he could never manage to give me. At least physically. I know she isn’t going to be getting the love that he withheld from me. I know she won’t be getting commitment or respect, either. I know he isn’t going to give her the truth–that in that regard, we are the same…and we’ll be the same in the end when he tosses her aside.
Knowing all of this doesn’t make me feel any less alone, though. Truth be told, I miss him. I miss the person that I thought he was. I miss his sense of humour and his cuddles and the way he made the world disappear. But it’s like waking from a dream–delusions aren’t meant to last. I am grateful that I found out when I did instead of much later. I loved him hard. I loved him in a reckless, self-destructive way. I will always care for him, and I know that, and it doesn’t mean that it has to hurt. It is just the way I am wired–when I love someone, I love them forever. He is now on the list.
Despite the fact that I know I am better off without him, this weekend will be hard for me. Ordinarily I’d drink, and then go out and get fucked every night. But I am trying to be different–to do what is best for me regardless of what anyone else is doing. I will admit that part of my instinct to go wild is based on my desire to compete with him. I want to prove that I am hot and desirable–I want to override the memories of me sitting at home alone, burning with jealousy, while he fucked someone else for 72 hours straight and pretended it didn’t mean anything.
I don’t need to do that. It is not a contest. He can continue to lie and cheat and break hearts, and that has nothing to do with me anymore. Still, I feel like I need a plan–to avoid dwelling. I don’t want to distract myself from what’s missing in my life, I want to focus on what I do have. I have a family who loves me, that I will spend quality time with this weekend. I will chase my children with water guns, hunt for shapes in the clouds, and watch Disney movies.
I have a young(ish) body that deserves my care and attention. I will run. I will do yoga. I will play Just Dance with the husband, and I will curl my body against him in bed. He is the one who has been there for me since before I was really even an adult. He is the one who has stayed, through all the ups and downs. He is the one who knows his limitations and is willing to let me explore my own needs and possibilities outside of him.
One day, I will have sex for 24 hours straight. One day, I will find a Daddy who is committed to investing in me, not just dumping his cum inside me. One day I will fall in love again and the hole in my heart that needs to be protected, challenged and adored will be filled.
That day is not today. And that’s okay.