30 Days of Truth: Make Mistakes

getmessy 30 Days of Truth

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I don’t really do regret. I’m at a place where I understand that I have done the best I could at the time. I know I make mistakes–I make lots of them–but I’ve come to see these mistakes as part of the fabric of my life. There is no plan–no pre-charted course for me to follow. There is only trial and error, and then trial again.

Oh, there are lots of things I would do different if I knew then what I know now. I would have gone to a real university instead of a Christian college–if I had, it wouldn’t have taken me four years to finally find a full-time job in my field. I wouldn’t have had the pregnancy and subsequent abortion. I may have married someone who I am sexually compatible with, or I may not have got married at all–I’m not sure I believe in the promise of forever. I would have never gone to bed with The Big Mistake, I would have been better with money in my young adulthood, perhaps avoiding student loans altogether, I would have never bought into Christianity and the accompanying shame and self-loathing. I would have accepted my same-sex attraction as natural and good, and not spent 10 years fighting what I knew to be an integral part of who I am. I would have never started smoking.

But the thing is. . .after a life of beating myself up for mistakes imagined and real. . .I think I have already forgiven myself. I am human and flawed and genuine and resilient. I’ve let it go.

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