30 Days of Truth: Letting Go


30 Days of Truth, Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go of, but you just drifted.


This song perfectly describes the way my faith in god crumbled. As much as I wanted to continue to believe, as much as I needed to believe that there was someone up there who loves me unconditionally, I came to a place where I just didn’t anymore. I didn’t give up my faith. I didn’t lose it. It was pried from my hands by my inability to look the other way anymore. Genocide. Colonialism. Slavery. The subjugation of women. Homophobia. Slut-shaming. And on top of all the horrible crimes committed by humans in the name of religion, the suffering in the world was the final straw. If there is an all-powerful being up there who loves us all, then why? Why AIDS? Why cancer? Why hunger? Why poverty? Why natural disasters? Why still-births? Why?

It is not my intention or my mission to insult anyone who honestly believes. In a way, I envy you–especially those who are able to reconcile their beliefs with being able to live the life they want, without shame. If faith inspires, instead of cripples you, then I am happy for you–sincerely.

But for me, it just didn’t work anymore. I had to let go of god in order to feel any peace. I had to let go in order to stop wondering “Why?”–in order to stop dwelling on what I was or wasn’t doing in order to bring suffering upon myself. I had to stop believing because it hurt my brain and it hurt my heart to try to make sense of something that just didn’t jive for me.

It hurt, but I had to let it go. And now I feel free.


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