Shit Men Say (vol. 4)

tooold

The husband: I was really horny last night.

Me: What!? And you didn’t tell me!?

The husband: You were sleeping.

Me: So!? Wake. Me. UP.

The husband: I tried…

Me: Then just put it in!

The husband: I am not going to just put it in.

Me: You have my consent, for now and ever after, if you ever want sex, just get started and I’ll join you.

Feminists. (Just kidding, kind of).

—————————

Dark Daddy: I was pretty pissed off with the way you ended this before it even started.

Me: I’m sorry if I upset you. I know what I want, and I don’t think I should have to convince someone to give it to me.

Dark Daddy: Right. Well, good luck in your search.

Translation: “you will never find what you are looking for.”

I didn’t bother telling him that my search is over, and that he should keep his luck.

—————————

Random Gropey Dude: I treated you with respect. You are being unfair.

What I would have said, had I bothered to respond: You told me I looked better without my glasses, you told me I should get hair extensions, you said you wanted to kiss me and then you took my boobs OUT OF MY SHIRT, you are not a good kisser, you kept pressuring me to agree to a surprise play date and wouldn’t give me any details on content or location, and you decided you were going to nickname me “sensual chocolate” (barf) before we even met. Fuck off, dude.

————————

Dude I went on a date with last night because I promised weeks ago and didn’t want to cancel: I’m a conspiracy theorist.

Dude……..: I believe I can live forever.

Dude……..:(after my describing what I do at work): You moved all the way here for that?

At least I got three pink martinis and a steak out of it.

————————

Sugar Daddy: Just because I didn’t give you what you need emotionally, doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re spectacular.

Sugar Daddy (re: how he feels about his girlfriend of four years): I think she’s great, but how attached am I? Meh.

Why am I even speaking to him, let alone fucking him? It is starting to make my skin crawl.



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