Just Say NoPosted: October 11, 2014
I’ve decided that turning people down is never going to be easy for me. It’s never going to feel like the right time, it’s never going to be something that doesn’t bother me, or that I enjoy. I get majorly stressed, and so I tend to avoid it by, um, continuing to see people I don’t want to be seeing?
I am going to have to just rip off the band-aid. It’s like tackling a monster to-do list. You just do it. You complete each item, you check them off, and at the end you breathe a huge sigh of relief and you never have to think about those things again.
Carrying this stress and trepidation around is no good. I just need to get it over with, and then I’ll be done.
I am going to stop seeing The Sadist. You’ll have noticed that I’ve never written in detail about what we do. This is a sign to me that something is wrong. I don’t write about it, because frankly, thinking about it squicks me out. I invariably end up having my boundaries pushed, but not in a way that feels good.
What it boils down to, is the fact that we have different kinks–period. I never thought I’d find someone too kinky for me, but it seems to have happened. Different things excite us, different things turn us on, and it has been a struggle to find that balance. Compromising in sex, with someone I am not even in a relationship with, seems pointless. Neither of us is ever going to be completely satisfied, so I will just have to tell him, no matter how much we enjoy each other’s company.
As for Sugar Daddy, I know I need to cut him loose, but for some reason I can’t seem to. I need to figure out the reasons why I am having such a difficult time with this. I don’t even like him–he sucks.
1) I don’t like the idea of knowing other women have him, and I don’t. It doesn’t matter that I don’t want him.
2) I don’t like the idea of Jailbait “winning”. It doesn’t matter that he is not a prize. Doesn’t matter that he has absolutely zero emotional attachment to her whatsoever. It doesn’t matter that he pisses on her, and makes her lick his girlfriend’s ass. What matters is that–as unfeminist and jr. high as this sounds–she stole him from me. It will piss me off if she thinks she won. It will piss me off if I think she won.
3) He was my first lover in the city. He was the first person I got to know, and spent time with, when I moved here. In a way, I associate the city with him. I associate my life here with him. His condo was my first home away from home.
4) I know he will always want me. I know he will never stop craving sex with me. He is addicted. Like an ass, he told me that I am better in bed than Jailbait and his girlfriend. I don’t think he is lying, because of the way he has behaved when I have cut him off in the past. Knowing this makes me feel powerful. And until recently, I was addicted to his sex, too. And part of me is afraid to cut him off and then end up feeling like I need his cock again. I am afraid of being broken and feeling like I need him again. I would rather stay than go crawling back.
5) He is persistent. He is a freaking hound dog. He does not give up. If I tell him I no longer want him, he won’t accept it. He will continue to try to get be back. He will say things–sweet things, awful things. He will try to tempt me. He will try to hurt me. He will tempt me. He will hurt me. I am afraid of this. I am afraid of my response. I am afraid that we will be on-again, off-again, on-again, 0ff-again, on-again, off-again, into infinity.
None of this is good. None of these are good reasons. I just need to find the strength. I need to trust myself. But my track record isn’t so good, so I don’t trust myself.