Define the Relationship

Gentleman Friend and I had “the talk”. I wasn’t really ready for it. I mean, how do you define a relationship? How do you define anything?

He said we should talk about our relationship. Actually, he said his wife wanted us to talk about our relationship. Because that makes it less awkward! And all I could think about was that scene from Friends, where Mona asks Ross to define the relationship, and he’s like “It’s going… somewhere fun!”


Anyway. I was kind of hoping to get busy that night, but apparently we were scheduled for a talk about the future of our relationship instead. So, he picked me up after work and we went and got takeout and parked at a look-out spot. I wanted to take a walk, but he’d been so flustered by the notion of us having “The Talk” that he’d forgotten his jacket. And it was chilly!

We sat in the back of the car and cuddled, and he asked me where I saw this relationship going. I responded with a very eloquent “Um….I don’t know.” I’m not so good with the verbalization of my own feelings. You know, when required to state them out loud.

Very patiently, he asked me some yes or no questions.

“Do you want our relationship, as it is now, to continue?”

I said “Yes.” Of course I said yes.

“Do you want our relationship to deepen emotionally?”


He said, “I do too. So that makes me happy that you say that.” And then, “It may have been. . .rash. . .and a bit presumptuous for me to tell you that I love you. . .”

Don’t take it back, don’t take it back, don’t take it back.

“But I do. And I can’t change that.”

I smiled, relieved. “I love you too,” I said, and then we kissed.

We talked about what an atypical relationship talk this was. Ordinarily, if you’re falling in love with someone and you have the talk, there would be discussions of marriage–maybe children. But for us, that was obviously not going to happen. We are already married. We are done having children.

Instead, he told me about how he envisions our future: Exploring each others’ minds and pasts. Taking on projects or causes together. Pursuing shared hobbies and interests. Our families and lives becoming more intertwined. I thought that sounded wonderful. Perfect. Exactly what I have wanted since I realized polyamory was for me.

But, my inability to verbalize got in the way. I struggled. So instead I read him what I wrote about our relationship, and how it makes me more myself–gives me complete safety, and total freedom.

It made him cry. I’d touched him, which made me swell with emotion, too.

“I was right,” he said. “I do love you.”

3 Comments on “Define the Relationship”

  1. Baby Doll says:

    So happy for you!

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