Small and Deep

My problem with poly, is that I am always missing Gentleman Friend. There never seems to be enough time for us to just be us. I don’t go home to him at the end of the day, I don’t curl my body around him in the night, and I don’t kiss him awake. In some ways this is wonderful. I don’t get to take him for granted–ever. Every moment we have is a gift–a pearl in an oyster. It almost takes me by surprise how good it feels.


Part of this is New Relationship Energy, I’m sure. I remember feeling this way about my husband at the beginning, but it has quieted over time. I still miss him, but it is a gentler, less urgent “missing.” I look forward to seeing him every evening and I look forward to waking up with him, but I don’t hurt for his presence anymore because he has become such a fixture in my life. I know he will be there.

Gentleman Friend and I have talked about this a bit–this hurt. We are so happy whenever we’re together, and we’re happy to be in each other’s lives, but the constant missing almost serves as a reminder of the fact that our relationship is not “primary.” It won’t ever be. How do we feel about that? In a word, “bad”.


It’s a strange thing. Neither of us would want to replace our spouse. That’s not what this is. Polyamory is about having “many” loves. I just don’t think either of us knew how hard it would be. I think that we will eventually find our groove. New relationship energy will settle. We will get used to the amount of time we are able to be together, and it will just become part of the rhythm of our lives. What frightens us the most, though, is the question of “where can this relationship really go?”

We will never live together. There’s a possibility of us moving closer to one another in the distant future, but that depends on a lot of factors that are not necessarily within our control. The stars would have to align just right–though our stars have been good to us, so far.


But that doesn’t mean we can’t have more. It doesn’t mean we can’t have something real, and lasting and significant. We don’t have to merge our finances and purchase cars together and buy a big house in order to have a partnership. Partners take care of each other when they’re sick. They do favors for one another. They put each other first, take an interest in each other’s hobbies and projects, and provide emotional support. Partners are sounding boards. They hold you when you cry. They hurt when you hurt and are happy when you’re happy. That’s what we have, and even if it doesn’t expand and take up more area, it can still deepen.


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