I’m in a crisis. It could turn out to be a crisis of epic proportions, it could be a catalyst for greater things, or it could just be a hiccup. Time will tell, but as we all know, I hate waiting. I was devastated and in a total panic a couple of days ago, and Gentleman Friend left work early to come sit on the couch with hubby and I and talk it through. He took a family emergency day. He is amazing.

Things have been downright domestic lately. Backyard fires, relaxing in bed watching movies (well, porn, haha), me playing paintball with him and his friends. We’ve been hanging out in the living room with his wife and her boyfriend, antique shopping in the afternoon, going to work events with his family (me as “the friend”). I love what we have and I love what we do, but this crisis has triggered something that has been itching below the surface.

I have dreamt of a poly family since I started this. It was this article, about a polyfidelitous triad, that made me realize that this was something I wanted. I had just given up on the dream, thinking I would never have that, when in strolls the Gentleman Friend with his daughter and his wife and his cat, and takes me as his. They welcomed me in.

But (and of course there is a “but”), as much as I am a baby girl who needs security and to be protected and nurtured, I am also a wild child who needs to let loose. I am feeling this urge particularly strongly right now, in the face what happened a few days ago.

I miss the kink scene. I haven’t been a part of it since I moved, and I miss it. I miss dirty, sexy, wild parties with everyone spanking and fucking and walking around naked. I miss dressing outrageously and dirty dancing in a club on fetish night. I miss the total abandon, the absolute shamelessness, the complete and utter distraction.

I know I want to run, and I know I want to hide. I know that’s part of what this is. But even before things got scary for me a couple days ago, I had been missing it.

I’m not seeing Sugar Daddy anymore. He invited me to a Halloween hotel party hosted by a sex club, and then sprung Jailbait on me after the tickets had been purchased. I was not amused. Up until the night before, he tried and tried to get me to go with both of them, but I wasn’t having it. There was just no way. So they went without me.

It was rough. I went out with Gentleman Friend that night, but I really really miss just letting my deviant out. I haven’t found a safe person to attend these kinds of events with so I am abstaining, but it sucks. Gentleman Friend has mentioned hitting a sex club, but it hasn’t happened yet. I am going to talk to him about it, but as much as I care for and enjoy him, I’m not sure its his scene. Not everyone is an exhibitionist.

I wonder if I should start looking again. He says I have his blessing. He was thinking I need an NSA fuck-machine to replace Sugar Daddy, but what I’d love is someone to go to kinky events with once a month or so. The thought of putting myself out there again scares me, but its something I want to do. I think I should wait until the dust settles to see if this desire is in my bones, or just a knee-jerk response to the stress I am under right now.

But damn if I don’t miss my wild side.


One Comment on “Crisis”

  1. […] thought back to November. The very morning that my personal crisis hit, I had told him that I needed to slow down. That I was serious about him and love spending time […]

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