He Told Me NoPosted: November 13, 2014
I have a Daddy again. Or if I’m being honest, for the first time ever. I have gone through the horrible process of trusting someone carte blanche so many times, thinking that just because they have a certain title, that they are who they say they are.
It took me awhile to ask Gentleman Friend if he would be my Daddy. I thought he knew I was a baby girl when we started dating. I wasn’t looking for a Dom anymore–I had given up on that–but the way he treated me suggested that he knew. He liked to make the decisions, but always keeping me in mind. When I’d get indecisive and he’d tell me what to do, I flushed with good feelings I swore he could feel. And then he started calling me Little One, and I was sure–he knew.
I didn’t mention anything about it on my dating profile, but his Wifey knew Sugar Daddy, so I thought maybe the info had been passed through the grapevine. Turns out, it hadn’t.
We talked about it somewhere around a month in. I was really nervous to have the conversation, but it needed to happen. I kept wanting to call him “Daddy”, and biting back the words because he said he wasn’t a Dom. I wanted him to be him–I thought he was perfect the way he was, and didn’t want to pressure him or make him feel like he had to change in any way. So I very gingerly broached the topic of baby girls. He knew quite a bit about it and said he’d like to try to meet that need for me, but I proceeded with caution. I was prepared to scrap that entire aspect of our relationship if it seemed, for even an instant, that he wasn’t being true to himself. What we have is precious–I did not want to ruin it.
He has been slowly embracing his dominant side more and more, but today he let his Papa Bear out. In the past, if he hasn’t wanted me to do something (like see Sugar Daddy), he would give me his opinion but tell me that it was my choice. Which made me believe that it didn’t really matter. And invariably I would give in. Recently he asked me to promise him I wouldn’t see Sugar Daddy anymore. And just like that, the decision was made and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, because going back to him is not an option. I promised.
But then my addict wanted out again. I felt completely powerless–weak in the knees at the idea of some thought-erasing, adrenaline inducing, meaningless, anonymous sex. I asked Daddy for help, because I desperately needed it. I told him I was thinking about having random sex again, and asked him if I could. And he told me no.
He told me to look at him, and I did. His expression was one of total love and acceptance. And he told me no. And I felt, instantly, like my world was back in balance. I can do the things I need to do. I can work on myself, on having the relationships I want to have, and being the person I want to be, without even considering throwing myself back into a self-destructive cycle that could end in utter disaster. Because he told me no.
I am impulsive, and indecisive, and spontaneous and insatiable and passionate and prone to addiction. It is hard for me to reign it in and make the best choice unless I have a solid, immediate reason. I am a master of rationalization and ignoring the signs, of acting now and paying for it later.
I need structure and guidance. I need to be told no. I need a Daddy.
And that’s what I have.