Shame is probably as big a part of my life as any other emotion I’ve experienced. But it is more than just a feeling–for me, it is a state of being. It’s always lurking beneath the surface, causing ripples and reminding me of its existence at the slightest provocation.

Last night I drank too much at games night at Papa Bear’s house. I got a little inappropriate and a little out of hand. Papa Bear and Wifey assure me that no one is mad at me and they had a lot of fun, but I feel awful. I lost control. I lost my ability to think clearly and I did not remain respectful of their space.

I drank too much because I am hurting and I want to numb it. This is certainly not the first time I’ve behaved like this. When I was talking to Papa Bear this morning, we talked about me drinking less. Obviously he is right–no one should have 8 drinks in a couple of hours, least of all me. I think if he helps me I will be able to monitor myself, but I couldn’t help wondering: If I am not drinking, and I’m not having risky sex…what will I do instead?

The question scared me, and I think it scared Papa Bear too. He knows I have been having a hard time lately, but I don’t think he knew how badly I feel the need to escape, or how deeply I am cut.

When I thought about it more, I realized something. I am not just depressed because of what is going on in my life. I’m depressed because I’m ashamed of who I am, and the things that I have done. I feel that I deserve whatever happens to me.

There are things I have never said to anyone out loud. Things I have only written here. Any time I make a mistake, be it professional, personal, or relational, everything bad I’ve ever done comes rushing back and threatens to consume me. I feel like I am drowning under a tidal wave of my own guilt and indiscretions. It has become clear to me how completely I loathe myself. Papa Bear says I need to forgive myself and move on.

But I can’t, because of the secrets. They are choking me, keeping me tied to the person I don’t want to be anymore, and I just want to be free. So. . .tomorrow, I am going to tell Papa Bear everything. All of it. He says he will not judge me or leave me, and I hope he’s right, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid that he is going to walk out of that conversation thinking I am truly demented.

I will get his advice on whether there is anything I should confess to anyone else, or whether I should just work on forgiving myself and becoming a better person. But I know, there is no way I can move on and forgive myself if I don’t talk about this with someone. I know it is not going to fix everything, but it is step one.

Maybe after tomorrow I will have some idea of what should be step two.

4 Comments on “Shame”

  1. Whispering Girl says:

    We’re our own worst enemy. I have worked really hard on accepting things I did in my past and it’s been one of the best things I have ever done. Slowly bit by bit I have told hubby more and more. His reaction to some of the things I have done isn’t at all what I expected. He has been really understanding and not judgemental at all. People can surprise you like that. Good luck! I hope it goes well for you and look forward to hearing more.

  2. D says:

    I think I would say to you now that there are three phases ..

    a) The zone where become aware ( in hindsight ) of your own poor ,past discussions and current emotions of pain and fear .
    b) The realisation that you need to heal and forgive yourself and find mechanisms to make that happen .
    c) The realisation you have forgiven yourself and can continue to live life without being drawn back into past emotional wells( states , past loops ) .

    All that matters is that you forgive yourself which requires you to
    a) be able to understand forgiveness and how to do it for others and for yourself
    b) be able to work on yourself and internal mental and emotional landscape .

    Keywords : self history is fluid .. dynamic . Forgiveness . Stillness . Meditation .

    If you need more details about this feel free to contact me or reply this blog .

    • d says:

      ** correct
      a) The zone where you become aware ( in hindsight ) of your own poor ,past decisions and current emotions of pain and fear

  3. plantpage says:

    Good luck

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