Desperately Wanting, Part IIPosted: December 15, 2014
(You can read Part I, here)
There are a handful of women at work who have crushes on Papa Bear. One of them kissed him by the elevators one day a few months back. Another flirts with him on the regular, and recently told one of his co-workers that she has a thing for him. I felt just the tiniest bit uncomfortable when he relayed that to me and the Wifey over Italian food one night last week. He has told me about this particular girl before. She is tiny and exotic, and wears a Katniss braid down one side.
As soon as Papa Bear told me his day had been “really fucking amazing”, my stomach lurched. I knew right away that something had happened with her.
“She kissed me. In a supply closet,” he said, kind of embarrassed but kind of proud.
“I’m happy for you. And also, I can’t breathe and I feel like I might be sick.” That was the first time we’d ever discussed any kind of insecurity about other hook-ups with each other.
He said he was so sorry that he made me feel that way. Gave me a big, long hug and told me that he doubted they would hook up, but regardless, he wasn’t going to date her.
“You don’t know that,” I said with a sad smile.
“Yes I do, because–”
I covered my ears. “Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!” I was like a two year old trying to ignore the fact that it was time to put the toys away.
“Okay, okay. I’m stopping,” he said, pulling my hands down from my ears. I sighed, and took his hand.
“I don’t like promises,” I explained.
It was a warm night for winter, and we held hands, walking slowly through a downtown holiday light display–taking photos and drinking hot chocolate.
“I’m so sorry I upset you,” said Papa Bear.
“Well, what could you have done differently?” I asked, not because I wanted to make it a teachable moment, but because I wanted him to realize there was nothing he could have done differently. My feelings are my feelings. It is what it is.
“I could have not told you,” he said.
“That wouldn’t have worked. You kiss her and don’t tell me, and then you fuck her, and then she gets pregnant and you need to move in with her to take care of the baby, and then you’re like–”
“–I kissed someone,” he finished, and we both burst out laughing.
We ambled over to the outdoor skating rink, where kids and couples whirled around the ice to piped in pop music.
Papa Bear opened his coat, and pulled me in close to him, enveloping me in his arms. We slowly danced.
I asked him if he ever gets insecure. He said he does, but he doesn’t talk about it, he just deals with it on his own. I told him I wanted him to tell me when he feels that way–that I need to know that he is not immune to these feelings. I don’t want to be the only one.
So he told me about how he felt ill when The Wifey’s boyfriend said “I love you”. And then he said those panicky feelings are stronger when it comes to me. With the Wifey, they have 20+ years of history, so he does not think she will leave him. But even if she did, he said, he would know that they had had a wonderful life together, and “If it’s time to move on, it’s time to move on.” With me, he said, we have only been together for such a short while. He feels that we have so many good times and adventures ahead of us. We are still learning each other, and he would hate to lose the chance to experience life with me.
It’s hard to admit, but that made me feel better–the fact that he really, desperately wants to see this through–that he wants all the things I want.
“What would you think,” he asked, “if we closed off our relationship?”
“….Umm…..” I said. “What do you mean?”
“Do you think it would be easier if we were polyfidelitous, and just kept things to us and our spouses?”
I thought about it. “I want you to be able to have freedom. I want you to have experiences, and to be able to kiss or fuck someone in a storage closet if you want to. It’s just when I think about you dating someone else that I get freaked out, because I feel like I already don’t see you enough.”
“Is it weird that I feel the exact same way?” he asked.
Today he told me that he won’t be fucking Katniss girl–she is moving away, and this is her last week in the province.
“Well that changes everything,” I said. “You should definitely fuck her!”