The Polidays (Part II)–Little White LiesPosted: January 4, 2015
The holidays are pretty much over, and I have to say, I’m relieved. I’m sad because Papa Bear’s in-laws leave on Monday. . .right in time for him to go back to work. But it is bittersweet, because it means that at least I can go back to being in his home, and seeing him whenever we both want to. Although they have decided to come back next weekend–seriously!?
In my last post, I said that I am happy, but also that things have been a crazy whirlwind, and that is still true. It feels like we barely get to catch our breath before we have to deal with the next high or low.
It started with New Years Eve. A little while back (who can honestly keep track of time?) I asked Papa Bear if he’d ever lied to me. He thought about it for awhile, combing through his mind, and then told me, sincerely, that he hadn’t, and we went back to holding each other and murmuring our love and enjoying our bodies.
A couple of days before New Years, he was unusually quiet all day. I would say that I loved him, and he would barely reply. It felt like things were weird, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. That evening, he finally messaged me and said “I thought of a time I lied to you. It was a half-lie, but still a lie. And The Wifey says I’d better tell you, so…”
I told him it was okay. That we’d work through it.
And he said it was going to hurt me, but he wanted to be honest.
I wanted him to call me. But he said he didn’t think he could express it properly out loud. I am the same way–I do better with writing. So I waited. . .and waited. . .and waited.
The messenger app showed that he was typing, but good grief, was it sure taking forever. In those minutes, every horrible possible lie went through my head:
Had he slept with someone else and not told me?
Had he left his OkCupid profile up when he’d told me he wasn’t looking anymore?
Had he found this blog and been secretly reading it this whole time?
Had he sent my nudes to all his friends?
Did he not actually love me?
I was losing my shit.
Finally, mercifully, after what seemed like an hour, he explained his lie.
He’d told me that he and The Wifey couldn’t join my family for New Years Eve because The Wifey’s parents were in town and she wanted to spend it with them, as a family. In reality, he’d bailed on New Years because The Wifey was afraid we’d be all over each other and she’d feel left out. He said she’d tried really hard to set up a date with one of her boyfriends for that night, but it didn’t pan out, so she said they should just stay home.
At first, I wasn’t even mad. I thought, “Oh. That’s not so bad. She wants her husband all to herself on New Years Eve–that’s fair enough.” I didn’t even care that he’d lied–he was trying to spare my feelings. His wife didn’t want to be with me on New Years Eve. I understood why he wouldn’t come right out and say that.
But then I realized why he’d been afraid to tell me. Why he’d thought it was going to hurt me so badly. One by one, the layers of this situation crystallized.
1) The Wifey did not want to spend New Years at my home, with my family, because then Papa Bear’s attention would be split between us and she wanted it all for herself.
2) She didn’t actually care about spending New Year Eve with Papa Bear, as evidenced by the fact that if she’d been able to get a date, she would have gone out with one of her boyfriends instead.
3) She knew New Years Eve was REALLY important to me but she thought her feelings on a night that means nothing to her, were more important than mine, on a night that means a lot to me.
4) Papa Bear chose to spend it with her, even though it was way more important to me.
As these realizations hit me, one after the other, I got angrier and angrier. Papa Bear called me and I vented my feelings for a good, long time. Not just about New Years Eve, but because of what it represented. The fact that her feelings come first, even when they are born out of insecurity and immaturity, while mine were born out of a sincere desire to have the people I love around me at the holidays. The fact that he had specifically booked his vacation at Christmastime because he wanted to spend this time of year with me, and then she’d placed all kinds of restrictions on where he could go and when he could see me because her parents decided to come. The fact that this isn’t the first time I’ve been cancelled on, or uninvited from something, because her date couldn’t make it, and if she couldn’t have a date then Papa Bear couldn’t either. The fact that he keeps telling me he is madly in love with me and that I’m his partner and not a secondary, but these situations show that I am, in fact, a secondary, whether he wants it to be true, or not.
We talked for a long, long time. We both cried. I went to bed feeling hollow. And when I woke up the next morning, there was a message from The Wifey in my inbox.
(Stay tuned for Part III)