I’m a Believer


I am a sometimes atheist, sometimes agnostic. I do not believe that there is a higher power of any kind intervening in our lives. It is too hard to fathom that someone up there could care about the little drama that is my existence.

And yet. . .I can’t help but think about all the things that had to work out just perfectly, for Papa Bear and I to meet. We don’t believe in God, and we don’t believe in fate. At least, we didn’t.

Our connection is unfathomable–it is beyond my wildest dreams. We are regularly baffled by how in-tune we are–we, quite frankly, don’t “get” it.

“If we start being able to read each other’s minds,” he said, “they are going to have to make a documentary about us.”

I’m not sure how to explain it here–in mere words. I’m walking a tight-rope when it comes to this subject. If I explain how he can make me come, just by looking at me a certain way, with zero training or effort or conditioning–will you think I am lying? I would. People don’t come from being looked at.

It could just be me–I’ve considered that. But this has never happened with anyone else.

If I explain how, the only word we can both come up with to describe the first time we had sex is, “shock”, will that make any sense? Will you get it? Is there a way to accurately describe the feeling of being jolted into reality? The sense of the universe shifting right into place?

There is the way that we blurt out the same sentence so often that “jinx” has become kind of a personal joke.

I can literally feel the energy between us. The air is charged.

He was the first message in my inbox, my first day on OkCupid.

The other woman he was dating had become pregnant (by her husband), and was obviously busy with that. Would he have still been looking if that hadn’t happened?

Would I have still been looking had Sugar Daddy not broken my heart, and Dark Daddy not kept me out of trouble for the next couple of months?

He cannot date a smoker. I quit the day of our first date.

Holding me the other night, he told me, that if there is anything that would make him believe in miracles, it would be this. Us.

And I feel the same. He makes me want to believe in god.

Instead, we have settled for serendipity. We thank our lucky stars. For a couple of godless heathens, that will just have to do.

2 Comments on “I’m a Believer”

  1. Marty says:

    Sometimes there is nor reason, no logic, no chance something can be. And then it is.

  2. micklively says:

    If you can find the time, read “The God Delusion”. It is a very entertaining book which explains so much.

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