Of Beds and Blanket Forts

In my latest private blog entry for Papa Bear, I counted 6 frowny emoticons, and one “meh” emoticon. There were no smilies of any kind.

I’ve lost my ability to smile.

I didn’t write a follow-up post about Valentines Day, even though it was on-paper perfect, because I wouldn’t be able to summon the necessary emotion.

He blind-folded me and led me into the suite. There was music playing, a picnic blanket in the floor with flowers and a basket with our dinner. The fireplace was lit, the Jacuzzi was huge, and my present sat on the bed, wrapped in shiny turquoise paper with a hand-made velvet choker as adornment.

No one had ever done anything like this for me before. Even on my wedding night. And I knew I should be excited, and in my brain, I was thrilled. And I think I seemed thrilled. It’s just that I have some weird dissociative shit going on, and I can’t really feel much of anything. I can perceive how I should react–what I should feel–but there is this entire layer of fog over everything. Ordinarily this would be my cue to start up with the random fucking. But honestly, who has the time? I don’t.

Who has the energy? Not me.

I think Papa Bear would be fine with me screwing someone else if the person was safe and NOT a random, but that kind of defeats the purpose.

Is this why people use escorts? So they can just dial-a-fuck without having to expend any energy?

Lately, on our dates, I have avoided doing much of anything. Papa Bear asks what I want to do, and I say I just want to curl up in bed with him. He asks if I’d like to see a movie and I say I want to watch one at home. I can manage a low key dinner, but I ask lots of random questions so as to avoid the discussion of anything of actual import.

I give him major kudos, though–he constructed a blanket fort for me the other day. How amazing is that? Adults always joke about wanting to hide in a blanket fort, and he actually made it happen. He “gets” the whole baby girl thing better than I do some days. I just feel bad because he is being so wonderful and I can’t feel any of it.


I hope that one day soon I get my feelings back. There is LOTS I want to write about, but if I can’t feel it, I can’t write it.

3 Comments on “Of Beds and Blanket Forts”

  1. gibbylet says:

    Oh hey, I feel that way sometimes with close relationships. I hope it passes for you soon and you find yourself clear about what it means.

  2. Depression and emotional numbness go hand-in-hand. You know where I am if you need to talk.

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