We Just Need Some Space


When Papa Bear told me that he and The Wifey were discussing having separate bedrooms, I got a little nervous. I was initially puzzled by this emotional reaction, but after thinking about it for a few minutes, I understood. Usually when two people in a relationship decide to no longer share bedrooms, it signals trouble. We assume that they no longer want to be intimate or that they are, for all intents and purposes, living separate lives, or in a companionship marriage. None of those things are necessarily problems, if all involved parties are okay with it, but usually the connotation is negative.

So of course I’d get a little anxious, thinking that their marriage is in trouble. I want strong relationships for all of us. When I asked Papa Bear about it, he said The Wifey suggested it because when one of them has “company”, it can be inconvenient for the other person.

When we started out, if only one of them was home with a date, that person and their lover would use the Master bedroom. Over the past several months, The Wifey has become more and more protective of that space. She said that when they have dates they should default to the guestroom–but she continued to use the master bedroom for her dates, while Papa Bear and I always went upstairs. It bothered me a LITTLE bit, but not a lot, and it didn’t seem to bother Papa Bear at all.

Papa Bear says The Wifey has always thought of their bedroom as “her space”.

They have been planning on renovating the upstairs, or “attic”, where the guest bedroom is. The Wifey’s sewing room is in one room up there, and the guest room is the other bedroom, and then there is a hallway with a closet. Initially, they were going to open the attic up so it was just one big room, but now The Wifey thinks they should put a bathroom up there and keep the two bedrooms separate. And that the room that is now the “guest room” should be Papa Bear’s room once it’s renovated. Basically so that Papa Bear can have me over whenever he wants without him feeling like we aren’t allowed in “his” room, and also so The Wifey doesn’t feel like she is kicking Papa Bear out of his room when she has a boyfriend over and he has to sleep upstairs.

It’s interesting, because Papa Bear has been referring to the guest room as “our” room for some time now–his and mine. And I think of it the same way. We have talked about what we’d want to do when we renovate it–add an electric fireplace and a skylight. Put down hardwood. Get a sheepskin rug and plaid curtains and faux fur blankets–make it cozy and cabin-esque.

Of course, technically, it will be Papa Bear’s room–I don’t live there. But last night, as he was sleeping there while The Wifey entertained Boyfriend #1, he told me the room felt empty without me. That it very much feels like “our” room.

Again, I’m never sure what I am supposed/allowed to feel or think about such things. The fact that it feels like “our” room is fine. But when my brain goes a step further and I realize that Papa Bear and I “share” a room, but The Wifey and Papa Bear don’t? It’s weird.

That obviously doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be sleeping together anymore. I think they still would share a bed very often. But Papa Bear’s snoring bothers The Wifey (I rarely notice it, incidentally), so they both think she’d sleep better if he spent most nights elsewhere.

Interestingly, The Husband and I have had a similar conversation. Its not that we don’t want to sleep together–we love sharing a bed–but we think that with my relationship with Papa Bear, it would be awesome to one day have a house where we each had our own bedspace. That way, Papa Bear could stay over whenever he wants without The Husband or I feeling like we have to leave “our” room. And the Husband has been desperate for his own space for years. He would love his own “man cave” type space with a flat screen TV, wall-to-wall books, and a desk. So, we might as well throw a bed in there, when we buy a place, and call it “his” room. Even though I’m pretty sure I’d be making nightly snuggle visits!

One Comment on “We Just Need Some Space”

  1. plantpage says:

    Good luck!!

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