This too shall pass

depression

I am completely depressed–again.

I may have Seasonal Affective Disorder. We’re nearing the end of the winter, but Papa Bear wants to buy me a SAD lamp anyway. Maybe some light will help.

I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I received an offer for a new job–a better paying one that is more suited to my skill-set and will allow me to be more hands on with the clients. It still doesn’t pay WELL, but it is a living wage, so onward and upward I guess.

I am supposed to start in a week.

Instead of excited, I am just anxious.

I’m worried that they will call and rescind their offer. I’m worried that no one will like me. They boast a very supportive, family like environment, which is what I need, but I still worry.

It’s on the other side of town. We are supposed to be getting a car, shortly. A free car, that used to belong to my in-laws. It has been taken care of very well, has had no problems, and they are going to get it tuned up before they give it to us.

I should be overjoyed. We haven’t had a car since we moved, and now we’re getting one for free. We were going to pay for a car with our tax return, and now we can use that money for insurance and a CAA membership.

Why am I just filled with dread?

I haven’t heard from The Stranger. He texted me a couple of times after our rendez vous, then that was it.

I don’t actually care because he is mainly available early in the day, and my new job is day time hours as opposed to starting in the afternoon which is what I have been doing so far, so its not like I’d see much of him anymore anyway.

Papa Bear took me shopping for new work clothes yesterday, and then he made me dinner and we watched a movie in bed, had sex, and fell asleep for awhile.

Last week was our six month anniversary, and he took me to the melting pot and gave me jewelry. It was a nice meal.

A few days before that we ordered every dessert on the menu at another restaurant. That was nice, too.

The sun is out again. It’s cold today, but last week was warm, and its supposed to warm up again tomorrow. So why do I feel like I’m in a cold, dark cave, with the wind howling and the walls closing in?

Why am I so frustrated? Why don’t I want to see anyone, do anything?

Why do I wish I could fast forward 50-some years to when I will likely be nothing but bones?

I’m on new meds. They were really helping at first, but now it seems like I have flat-lined. Again.

And I just keep thinking of my mother, who was relatively functional as I was growing up, but has spent the past 5 years in and out of the mental ward.

Am I destined to end up like her? Years of depression and anxiety followed by frequent psychotic breaks with reality?

I don’t know where any of this is going. My life. What is the point of any of it?

Nothing is even WRONG, but I am so tired. I have no energy. I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

I don’t care about sex. I don’t care about fun, or anything that may happen today, tomorrow, or in he future.

I don’t want to travel. I don’t want to eat well. I don’t want a big house with a yard close to the good schools. I don’t want to talk to friends. I don’t want romance. I don’t want to create beautiful art or laugh long and hard or steep myself in the experience of being human. I don’t want to learn or grow. I don’t want to push past, or through.

I want to sleep. But before I know it, I’m just going to be awake again.

I know what this is. It has happened again and again and again. This too shall pass.


7 Comments on “This too shall pass”

  1. I have struggled with PMDD as well. What helped me was charting my cycle. I noticed that I fell off the cliff between day 18 and 20, like clockwork. After having some hormonal evaluations done I have been able to (mostly) correct the imbalance. I still have depressive episodes at times, but they are not nearly as intense, and I have not had one of those enraged “I’m going to kill somebody for no good reason” fits in quite awhile.
    I love you, and I am sorry you’re struggling. I’m grateful you know that it will pass. Just gotta ride the wave.

  2. plantpage says:

    Hang in there beautiful.


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