Ramblings–All Cried Out

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I’m exhausted. Its the time of year when it stays light out until 10 o’clock at night, and my brain cannot convince itself to get a decent sleep under these conditions. The kids’ bedtimes have already been pushed back by an hour and a half, because they cannot sleep when it appears to be the middle of the day, which means even less precious downtime for me.

***

I am getting over the flu. I have cramps. My children’s bickering is giving me a headache. The Husband and I cannot seem to patch together a functional relationship. He is overworked and underpaid and stressed out and depressed. I am emotional and sick and tired lonely. Whenever we try to have a conversation with each other, we either get interrupted by shrieking children, or we end up getting our wires crossed. He does not know how to communicate his needs. He was raised to put himself last. As such, it is nearly impossible for me to get him to agree to take time to himself. He feels like he has no worth (due to his inability to find a decent paying job), and therefore that he does not deserve self-care, or to be taken care of.

I have tried to explain to him that he is going to burn out completely and be no use to anyone if he doesn’t take care of himself, but he won’t listen. We have had screaming matches over me trying to convince him to just STOP DOING HOUSEWORK and STOP OCCUPYING THE KIDS and go do something for himself. I wonder if martyrdom is a form of self-harm? Is he trying to run himself into the ground to punish himself for not having a career yet? I’d ask him, but he’d just say he doesn’t know. Getting him to open up about his feelings is like pulling teeth. He doesn’t like to talk about how shitty he feels. It kills me.

I don’t feel close to him, so when he tries to be there for me, I brush him off. I don’t know how to talk to him about my feelings when he is constantly tense and agitated. The best we can do is, on the nights when he isn’t working, open a bottle of wine, and laugh and talk about things that don’t have to do with our lives. I know everything would change if he could just catch a break, work-wise. And I hate to admit it, but I’m getting frustrated.

I don’t understand. He is smart. He is good looking. He is educated. He has amazing references. Why can’t he find any sort of career? It hurts me for him, and it hurts me for our family because frankly we could use the money. But more than that, its his self esteem. Its hard to be a good lover when your self-esteem is in shreds.

Tonight he insisted on taking the kids out for me. I had horrible cramps and was crying from other emotional garbage. He had planned on taking a bike ride when I got home from work, but decided he’d occupy the kids for me instead. I couldn’t convince him otherwise. So while he did that, I did the dishes and took out the garbage–his chores. When he came in I was washing the dishes and crying. He asked why I wasn’t resting. I told him that this is the only thing I can actually do to show him that I love him. Lessening his load a little bit. He thanked me and gave me a lingering hug.  How sad is it that that is literally ALL I can do for him?

He takes the kids out for me. I clean the house for him. Is this what relationships boil down to when you have little ones? I would kill for an in-law within an hour of us to take them once in awhile. I would blow the first executive to offer him an office job so he wouldn’t have to work nights.

***

Its been a few weeks since Papa Bear and I decided to see each other less often, in order to focus on quality of time over quantity. I wish I could say its been going great, but actually, I just don’t know how its going to work yet. It seems we picked precisely the wrong time to change things.

The first Saturday of our new schedule, I was sick. Last Saturday I had a training for work all day, and Papa Bear had guests in from out of town. I saw him for maybe 45 minutes when he gave me a ride home from work and we stopped for an ice cream sundae. I did see him on Sunday for a couple of hours in the afternoon. This Saturday I also have a training, but will be able to see Papa Bear in the evening, and then we are going to a concert on Sunday.

I have been terribly lonely. There were some changes at work, so I am no longer working in the same part of our center as where I started. I’m super sad about that. I clicked really well with a lot of my co-workers in my old building, and though I get along fine with the people in my new one, its not the same. My new supervisor is also really high strung and unable to just go with the flow and trust us to do our jobs well, so its stressful. It’s like living under a microscope. It makes me really sad because I used to LOVE my job and now I feel like its only okay. I know that ultimately I’m there to earn a paycheck, and it could obviously be a lot worse, but I just wish she would chill the fuck out and not be such a buzz-kill. Our field is very relationships based and its hard to form strong relationships when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder. Sigh.

I was also becoming friends with people in my old building, and I don’t think I’d ever hang out with anyone in my new building outside of work. It almost feels like its back to the drawing board, friend-wise. I know I can still hang out with my other co-workers, but it’ll take more effort to feel like we’re still connected since we don’t see each other every day. I guess its worth a try, though.

I do know that I need to build other relationships that don’t revolve around sex and romance. I guess I feel like my need for companionship is most easily met through lovers, since they seem to be easier to find than platonic friends. There should be an OkCupid for friendships. OkBestie.com?

***

I have been crying a lot over the past few days. I feel like the little in me is back at the surface. I feel alone and then all of a sudden I’m crying in the bathroom and I acutely recall what it was like to be five years old. I came home crying from kindergarten one day, because the older kids on the bus had been mean to me.

I remember being the new kid in my 5th grade class, sitting with my head down on my desk at recess because no one wanted to be my friend.

Being picked on in Jr. High.

Not being invited to the party in high school.

So much pain, all rolled up in rejection and the need to belong.

I never outgrew those girls. I still carry them with me. When I feel alone, I don’t just feel the pain I’m experiencing right now–I feel the combined swell of every time in my entire life that I was ever on the outside.

That is a huge part of being little, for me. That I haven’t really changed–just collected more layers. I’m still five. Still ten. Still twelve.

The Husband had tonight off. So even though it wasn’t our scheduled day, Papa Bear offered to come take me for a drive. He knew I was hurting and really needed to just be held and listened to. We drove out into the country, cuddled in the back of the car (I like doing this for some reason–maybe the small space makes me feel safe), and I just talked and cried. He listened and wiped my tears and held me.

Afterwards he bought me dinner, and I felt a little better.

I’m hoping I’m all cried out, at least for now.


12 Comments on “Ramblings–All Cried Out”

  1. masterandbabydoll says:

    I know that feeling of not only what’s happening in the present but the past hurts come flooding in in that moment and makes everything boil over. It’s awful and I wish I knew of some way to make them heal or go away.
    I was thinking of your (and mine) progression over the last year or so and how much life has changed for both of us. We’re coming along, it isn’t always easy but we can find solace in each other’s writings.
    XOXOXO – hang in there! You’re not alone..

    • What happened to your blog??

      • masterandbabydoll says:

        I’ve moved it…it’s “Beatenbrokenandbruised.wordpress.com”…please follow!

      • masterandbabydoll says:

        beatenbruisedandbroken.wordpress.com ****

      • Following!

        Question–is there any place you explain what happened to your quad?

      • masterandbabydoll says:

        I think there’s bits and pieces in different blogs….
        Shortly after we moved in the one house, things quickly fell apart. Kitty moved into the bedroom with my soon to be ex-husand and I roomed with Master. Within a month, the married couples were not sleeping together at all. The precarious relationship between Kitty and me was strained at best within days of moving in. Her and I are like oil & water and once I saw that she will not/can not communicate or open up with me, there wasn’t much I could do to keep it going. She’s insecure and judgmental. Insecure I can deal with, judgmental I cannot. Master and Red got into a fist fight within like two weeks. It spiraled so fast, I’m surprised we lasted 3 months. Red & Kitty stayed in the house, Master and I moved out and we are proceeding with divorces. The reality is I haven’t been happy with Red for years. Master and Kitty were pretty much on the verge of divorce last year but decided to open their marriage…..and the rest is history. It’s been an insane whirlwind of drama and hurts and angry words but now that we have separated, it’s settled down drastically and we are all actually getting along better. The kids are adjusting and doing good and the adults are working thru it.

  2. A_Female says:

    I vote yes for OKBestie.com
    I would totally join.

    I’m on the same page with you about being little. I have a lot of those sore memories from different ages. I like the idea of being able to relate to multiple inner mes. That feels more natural.

    • If I was more tech saavy I’d seriously consider starting it up. We might be onto something….

      I know what you mean about it feeling more natural. I was thinking–I’m almost 30, but I’m still five, just plus 25 years. Still 12, plus 18. I don’t want to ask my inner five year old what she has to say, because its not like I have a 5 year old living inside me. I’m just me–as I was at all those ages, and also as I am right now.

  3. lizeden says:

    (((hugs))) I totally feel you. Work situations that involve people you really like and bosses who don’t suck are SO MUCH better than jobs with OK people and ‘Meh” bosses. I feel like the former can actually nourish you and actively help keep you happy and energetic, whereas the latter ranges from being neutral to your energy level to an energy vortex, which is especially bad when things in other parts of your life are so hard!

    I hope that things start to go better for you and your hubby. And that I really enjoy reading your blog, in your voice, and seeing the person who you are. If we were in the real world together, I’d love to get your inner five year old and my inner five year old together to do fun, silly things together. ❤


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