Completely Un-fucking Hinged

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I am not having enough sex.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I had sex with The Husband, but I’m going to go ahead and guess it’s somewhere around two months–at least–and probably closer to three.

A strange thing has been happening to me.

I feel like–with all the logistical shit getting in the way–I am starting to close in on myself.

I hate the way I am, and I hate the way my body/mind/emotions work. I hate how strongly connected every part of me is.

I hate how not having enough sex, or a certain kind of sex, can make me feel like I am coming apart.

But its not just the lack of sex that is fucking me up.

It’s the lack of intimacy in general. I feel like I am starved for it.

The Husband and I touch each other so rarely that it actually feels awkward and unnatural when we do. We are used to sleeping spooned around each other every night, and that is honestly the only physical contact between us that feels genuine. I tried to kiss him the other day–must have been a couple of weeks ago by now–and it felt like he was pressing his lips together. Like he was purposely keeping me out. I haven’t tried to kiss him since then because it is too awful, but we kiss so rarely that honestly I don’t even want to kiss him anymore. I don’t know how.

Same with sex. I have to be drunk to have sex with my husband. If I am not drunk, I can’t get turned on by him. And its not because he’s not attractive–he is very attractive and is actually my physical ideal.No, it has nothing to do with the way he looks.

It’s just that we have been living together for so long as basically platonic co-parents, that I just don’t feel that way about him anymore. It may sound cruel, but I talked to him about it for years. on. end. I begged him. Pleaded. I told him I couldn’t take feeling rejected anymore and that I couldn’t live without sex and romance and dates and all the things we used to have and be. I cried and wailed and screamed. I wrote pieces about it and showed them to him. I told him that one day it would be too late. That eventually we wouldn’t be able to go back. That I didn’t want us to be ruined beyond repair. And every time, things would improve for a couple of weeks, and then we’d end up exactly where we were before.

The problem, is that we have never had it good. We’ve never both had decent paying jobs or not lived under a mountain of debt or not had babies or toddlers or preschoolers underfoot. We’ve never felt like we’ve had a handle on things. We’ve never had family or friends around to help. Never known what its like to not be diagnosed with anxiety and depression–the both of us. So, while under ideal conditions it would be easy to say “Fuck him–you deserve more than this,” we don’t live under ideal conditions. We never have.

Sometimes keeping us above water is all we have the energy to do. Sometimes we try to cuddle and are immediately screamed at by one or both of the little terrors who share our DNA. Sometimes we try to have sex and are interrupted. Until eventually its just easier to give up.

I feel a heavy, heaving, hopelessness. I feel like I want to burrow into the ground and howl. I feel like we will never get to a place where we can even see what we could be capable of being. I feel white-hot anger. I don’t know at what or at who, so it just bursts out all over the place, at the most inopportune times.

I need to be sedated. I feel like I am out of options. I don’t know where to go or what to do.

I made a “bad” sexual decision last week. And the result was happiness. I felt like me. I felt like a person. I had patience. I had a sense of humor. I walked around smiling. It didn’t fucking hurt to exist. I don’t want to have to make bad sexual decisions to feel like a fucking person. But everything else hurts. It’s too much, or its not enough, or its both and I just. can’t. breathe. 

I physically cannot bear the loneliness. I can’t bear the emptiness. I can’t bear the now-you-see-me, now-you-don’t, “here’s an appetizer, you aren’t covered for the main course.”

I can’t. I can’t. I can literally. not. bear. it.

I do not want to have sex with strangers. Its dangerous and seedy. And frankly, the risk of bodily harm is actually less off-putting to me than the risk that I will have done the work of finding them and setting a date and primping and showing up only to have them disappoint me. I am looking for something very specific, which is why no one on the loop of men who keep. texting. me will do.

I’m not sure what I am supposed to do. Just continue to hurt? To not feel the way that I need to feel in order to function? What is the point of being smart, of taking the long view, of assessing the risks or behaving responsibly if doing all of those things just makes me feel like shit? I am unbearable to be around right now. I am either numb, or I’m snippy, or I’m teary, or I’m hurriedly shoveling indiscriminate amounts of random food items down my throat.

I CANNOT DO THIS. I AM A FUCKING BASKET CASE.

This past Sunday was supposed to be the next round of my bad decision. And I cancelled. And now I am so angry and resentful and pissy I can barely see. I need what I need. Period.

And the worst part is, I can’t talk to anyone about it.

The Husband, who will listen to me whenever I ask, who works his ass off 16 hours a day, who struggles with depression himself, who will support me in any and everything I want do do, who asks for NOTHING–cannot help me. He cannot hear this. All it would do is pile guilt on top of all of the horribleness he’s already feeling. All it would do is make him feel like he HAS to fuck me. And it hurts too much. It’s too pathetic. It’s too fucking sad. I can’t. I can’t be honest with him one more time. Not one more time. I’m done. If he doesn’t want me, that’s not his fault, and I can’t ask him to try anymore.

I can’t talk to my boyfriend about it, because what is he going to do? It’s not his fault he isn’t around most of the time. It’s just not possible for him to be.

But none of that makes me feel better. None of that makes me feel like I have any options at all. All I feel…is that parts of myself are gradually being erased…and that if I don’t connect with that primal part of me, on a regular basis, I am going to disappear entirely.

And as I was writing this? Just now? The Husband told me that he would “really like to have sex tonight.” Probably because A) he’s been stealthily reading this over my shoulder, or B) He can tell that I’m starting to come completely un-fucking-hinged.

But it doesn’t matter. Because he doesn’t want me. I cannot get turned on by pity sex. Maybe I will get plastered enough to do it (I am on my third glass of wine), and maybe it will scratch the itch or do the trick or make me feel slightly less like I am dying of something horrible…

But he doesn’t want me. And even if I can pretend, while drunk, that it doesn’t matter? It does fucking matter. I want mutual hunger and heat and need. There is nothing more electric than when that explodes. And the man cannot even let me kiss him. I swear to god I have no idea when the last time we kissed for real was. We don’t even kiss when we have sex. He just fingers me and then we fuck.

It’s too horrible. It’s too painful. I can’t leave but I can’t stay either. I just want to distract myself. I want to step out of this into my own little world where everything feels good–the sun, the food, the sex, the music, the drinks–and nothing hurts. I want to indulge, utterly. It’s like bingeing. I want to gourge myself on pleasure so it doesn’t hurt so bad when its gone.


10 Comments on “Completely Un-fucking Hinged”

  1. rougedmount says:

    jesus christ…these words…this hurt..i could have written it word for word with the addition of a 3rd child…

  2. I’m so sorry. It’s horrible.

  3. Pimpf says:

    I feel sorry for your situation, can’t give you any valudable advice but I can imagine and understand what you feel to have been through some similar situation at a moment, but I went through it . I just hope you’ll find a solution. Take care.

  4. xtal says:

    I know how you feel. I even googled ” I hate my marriage” the other night because I felt so similar to that which you just expressed. At least your guy actually tries, or so it seems to be.

  5. A_Female says:

    What a quandary. As an addict, I have an understanding of that need, but I can’t speak for anyone else but myself about what happens after I think I’m getting it met.
    I can say that you are not alone.
    I can say that it will pass. The state of change is always ongoing – you can’t stop it. Things will change. For good or bad, they will change.
    I can ask a question: Is it possible that the good you feel in having explosive, mind-bending sex is really a high that helps you cope with the stress of your marriage and poly situation?
    I can offer my support – I hear you and I’m sorry you are struggling so hard.

    • Yes, of course. Of course it is a high. I don’t know what it’s like to be emotionally healthy– I had a fucked up home situation as a kid. I know that I have craved sex since I was a tween, even before I had any experience whatsoever. I know my first sexual experience was something I couldn’t stop thinking about. I know I was hooked on orgasms as soon as I was old enough to have one. Maybe it has always been to medicate– I don’t know. I do know, though, that a healthy sex life is natural to want and crave. We are built to experience intense pleasure, and built to desire it. I don’t know what my sex drive would be like if everything else in my life was amazing, but I’m pretty sure I’d still want regular sex. I think it’s my natural state to have a highsex drive, but that the combination of that with my experiences is what makes it addictive rather than just a healthy need. I don’t know what it’s like to be anyone else or to have a normal life, so I’m not sure where my need for sex crosses the line into unhealthy.

      • D says:

        It is a good line of thought. How can you get outside yourself to know any different . Are we bound to suffer while attempting to find this oasis of happiness. What if there is no such oasis ? What if the world is just purely energy combined in complex forms as it falls through lesser levels ..No wrong or right ..no normal ..where everything is as valid as everything else . Where would that leave you ? Unique ! You are carving a path no one else has or will . You have control over what choices you make . For example , before you met Hubby you were unloved by him ,once you met you grew into love , with difficulty and kids and life the terrain has shifted and your love might be diluted or different (sexually speaking ) .So right now where will it head ? There is a path and you have a stake in this path and it will move forward with or without your intervention . Maybe his kiss was waiting to see how you kissed him ? Maybe you were doing the same ..maybe now you both question everything else but why ? You are projecting your own current mood onto that kiss . The future often is diluted with how you predict it will be . Do you feel optimistic about your life in future ? This affects your ability to assess the situation at any time . Maybe the husband has deep seated concerns about your behaviours that affect how he behaves .Maybe he thinks he will b a single parent in future and it darkens his life’s hopes ,increases depression . Perhaps your optimism is low and if so know that you are projecting it into the future so how do you shift this momentum of short term highs and lows . It sounds rather bipolar because this has been swinging up and down intensely for a long time . In the end the only way to get to higher ground is to feel differently about the situation you are in or any future one ,, you must expand your vision of who you are and what you are capable of ,you must expand not just that but your relationship with you must become deeper and more dependable . You say you need mind bending sex but do you >? You have had it in the past but it never was enough ,you always looked for more .
        Drug addicts never have enough ..never … What is enough for you , do you really know this ? Is it realistic ? Imagine if you were the wifey of your master and he courted other women and you had your partners would you be happy ? Are you sure ?

        I used to have this idea I used to do . It was date yourself to a dinner on your own and ask yourself do I like me and what would I keep and what would I change . I found some severe dark areas I was not happy nor proud of but somehow this made me unique so accepting myself has been an easier way to adjust for the better . Adjusting by hate never works …
        I wish you fortune in growth above misery and pain.
        xD

      • A_Female says:

        Comparing ourselves to others we see as “normal” can really do a number on us. I know my perspective on sex is vastly different from many people. Some of that is what makes me who I am, and I’m glad to have that uniqueness. And some of it is stuff I learned that kept me going, and that I don’t really need anymore, so I’m working on it. Here’s where I think healthy crosses the line into unhealthy: When something we like or love becomes something we need, then becomes something we can’t stop doing even though all we ever wanted was for it to feel as good as it did when we loved it, and/or it becomes something we have to do, just to feel normal.
        And if the thing we are doing could hurt others but we do it anyway, that’s another red flag.
        I think you do know what’s healthy and unhealthy for you. It’s hard to look at it though – hard to see the thing in front of us and do what we think we know needs to be done. It’s daunting. And you’re not alone.

      • I guess that’s the thing–I don’t know what needs to be done. This whole chaos theory of mine has kind of put me in a pickle. Its hard to care about anything but getting through every day as well as I can until I’ve waited out the next 50 years.

        I’m exhausted. Sometimes I just need a break.

  6. D says:

    Very interesting , I knew you would get to this spot and unfortunately there is more to go before light has a chance to enter your awareness . The good thing is you are journalising it . What is need ? We all have needs but why are they different ? We are a sum of genetic and environmentally created needs .When we have them quenched does that make us fulfilled or happy ? Initially , you found your Sir and was over the moon but now ? Initially you found your husband and was over the moon but now ? So the question is what were you in love with in those moments ,the person or something else , the situation ?…..


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