Still Little

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Although I continue to call my boyfriend Papa Bear for the purposes of continuity on the blog, he is not my “Daddy” anymore. He hasn’t had that title for months. When we began dating and I first asked him to consider the role, we both knew it would be experimental. He had no experience, and I’d had nothing but bad experiences. What we realized several months ago, is that he cannot have that place in my life. It’s a personality thing, and also a circumstances thing.

He is protective and he is loving, but he is not strict. It’s hard for him to tell me I’m not allowed another drink, when he knows that I am drinking because I’m in pain. It’s hard for him to tell me I can’t have random sex, because it’s hard for him to know if he’s saying it to protect me, or to protect himself. One thing he has been working on–reading books about, and has made an appointment with a therapist about–is his people pleasing. He has a very hard time saying no.

That is why, even if he were single, he would not be able to be my Daddy. But combined with the fact that he is married, and The Wifey’s personality and needs, it is just impossible. People pleasing hurts everyone. He cannot be devoted to being there for me when I need him, when at any point The Wifey may simply tell him that he is not allowed to be.

He may stand up to her one day (as he has, and continues to do), but if he wants to maintain a relationship with her, he cannot always tell her no. It hurts him deeply to disappoint her. He feels that it is his job to make her happy. That is something they are working through together, painfully and inch by inch, but that means that I know I can’t depend on him to comfort me or talk me down or hold me at any given time. That doesn’t mean he never does those things–he does, of course–but if I can’t count on it, then he can’t be my Daddy.

I don’t feel like this has affected my identity as a baby girl very much. I still curl up with my adult colouring book and a plate of cookies. I still play. I still buy myself kids’ shows on DVD. I don’t know if I need a Daddy. I don’t feel like I do. I feel like I need love and support and a listening ear and good advice and people to spend time with.

This week I went out with a baby girl friend. We had mexican food and sangria, and then went to a haunted house. We held hands the whole time and laughed at how scared we were. When she got home, she texted that she was in bed with her blanket and stuffies. It is awesome to have someone to be little with.



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