Merry Effing ChristmasPosted: November 29, 2015
Remember last year’s series about how the holidays can be a bitch when you’re poly? Well, I had hoped that by this time this year things would be different, but hope is also a bitch. So last year, Papa Bear’s family came over and spent Christmas Eve with us. It was cozy and lovely and it made me very happy. Afterwards though, Papa Bear told me that the Wifey had complained, because they always spend Christmas Eve at home and she was upset that he’d changed the tradition. That was fine–we also always spend Christmas Eve at home, so I understood, and we talked about having our families get together another night during the holiday for this year.
The other issue–which I didn’t write about here–was their movie night. Every Christmas they have all their friends come over to watch a certain Christmas movie. Last year Papa Bear had told me I could come, but then when it actually happened I wasn’t invited. It turns out that neither of The Wifey’s boyfriends had been able to attend, and because of that, they decided that it would be best to not invite me either. I understood this as well, because them being newly out as poly, it would be kind of awkward and uncomfortable if Papa Bear and I were there cuddling in front of their friends while the Wifey was pretty much solo. Of course when I think about it now, I feel like that could have been easily remedied by being honest with me and asking me to skip the PDA and behave more as just a mutual friend–I would have been there with The Husband and the kids, so it really would have been no issue whatsoever–but the decision they made was to just not invite my family.
I was hurt, but not that hurt, since we hadn’t been dating for that long, and I looked forward to attending this year.
There was the enormous blow-up over New Years Eve, which I now believe led directly to a bunch of other crap that fractured my relationship with The Wifey, quite possibly beyond repair–and you can read about that in the series linked above.
Because of what happened last New Years Eve, Papa Bear had promised he would spend this New Years with me. It’s been in the calendar for an entire year, and The Wifey knew that. However, when she was scrolling through the calendar and saw it, she got upset because she said it hadn’t been discussed with her. That yes, she knew that it was happening, but Papa Bear should have checked in with her and discussed how she felt about it or whatever.
Frankly, I agree with her. He should have mentioned it again. I actually told him this before she even saw it, and he said he’d told her last year and it was in the calendar. And I told him he needed to bring it up again, because she may have forgotten and would probably be blind-sided–even though they never do anything for New Years Eve. So, this resulted in a fight about how we never discuss our plans with her or include her in them, etc. If things were good between us, I would have loved to include her. Last New Years Eve I wanted her and Papa Bear to come over and spend the evening with me and The Husband. She is the one who said she would feel uncomfortable and that they should just stay home. And they did, which hurt me deeply, because New Years is really important to me and not at all important to her. So this year, I talked with Papa Bear and we discussed the possibility of having a group event, which would include The Wifey and her boyfriend and his family–but we couldn’t figure out the logistics because of all the kids, and where they’d sleep, etc. And of course I wasn’t going to invite just Papa Bear and The Wifey to our home again–not after what had happened last year, when she’d made it very clear indeed that she had no interest in having that happen, and has made it very clear ever since that she is not capable of sharing time with Papa Bear without getting upset or feeling ignored if he does not give her all of his attention and affection.
So, for New Years it is just going to be Papa Bear and I. We are getting a hotel downtown, going to the concert in the park, having a nice dinner, and getting into the Jacuzzi.
Which is why The Wifey felt justified in stipulating that I be excluded from their Christmas movie get together. Let me tell you something about this particular tradition–it has always been open to any and all friends of the family. Their kids bring their boyfriends or girlfriends, their roommates, their classmates. It’s kind of a big, “everyone we care about is welcome, sort of thing”. Until now. Because this year, The Wifey informed Papa Bear that they will be having the event at her boyfriend’s house. And as far as Papa Bear and I know, they aren’t inviting any friends. Their son and daughter might bring the people they are dating, but that’s it. She also informed Papa Bear that I’m not invited because she would feel “uncomfortable,” and its very obvious that the reason this event has now been moved to her boyfriend’s house and no longer includes everyone they know and love, is because of me. Because she doesn’t want me to come, and she knows she can’t tell Papa Bear I’m not allowed to come to an event at their house, so she decided to have it at her boyfriend’s house.
I found out about this because at a game’s night for our polycule, she and her boyfriend and his wife were cuddled on the couch discussing the event. Right in front of me. The Wifey was so happy and excited she couldn’t sit still in her seat, and was literally glowing. It became very obvious to me that I wasn’t included, and I got pretty upset, so after maybe an hour of making small talk and being civil, I asked Papa Bear to drive me home. I’d had an extremely rough weekend so he had told The Wifey ahead of time that I’d probably have to leave early, so it was fine.
When we were driving home, I asked him about it, and why he hadn’t invited me. And he said he hadn’t even thought about that event, but of course I was invited. I explained the conversation that took place right in front of me, and he kind of got this weird look on his face–like he suddenly remembered something important–and then said something about how The Wifey had mentioned it was being held at her boyfriend’s house, but of course he would bring me.
The next day when we talked about it–and it took him HOURS to get it out–he finally admitted that he had gone home and asked The Wifey, and she had said “Um, I told you I wasn’t comfortable inviting her, remember?” He says he has no recollection of this conversation, and I’m assuming that this is because it was either mentioned in passing and he wasn’t really listening, or he didn’t really take her seriously. He has an awful memory–he can’t remember half the shit I say to him, or that he says to me–so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he really forgot. But in any case, it turned into a massive, several-day argument between the two of them, and between him and me.
On her end, she says that I’m not invited because we didn’t invite her to join us for Halloween (she hates social situations unless she is the one hosting them, and frankly, Papa Bear didn’t invite her to the party because she always complains that his friends are immature, drink too much, he’s not paying enough attention to her, whatever. It had nothing to do with me), and we didn’t include her in New Years. I personally believe that, since she didn’t invite my family to this event last year, and refused to spend New Years with my family last year, that she just doesn’t want me included in their holiday traditions and is using those things as an excuse.
Papa Bear was extremely angry at her, and actually yelled at her, which he never does–when they fight, she usually spends hours yelling at him and he just cries. Their daughter Lucy also gave her grief about it, and told her mother she was being ridiculous and awful to even think about not inviting my family.
As for me? I cried and cried and cried. I cried for days. I still can’t even really think about her in general, and the situation in particular, without tearing up, and this was weeks ago. It may seem like not a big deal, but I have been looking forward to this for a long time. Because its a family tradition, the only one that also includes friends, and my concept of polyamory is that it is family. I do not want to be a girl on the side. I wouldn’t introduce my children to a guy I was just “dating.” I wouldn’t have a guy I was just having fun with come into my home and have dinner with my husband and I. I am not in this for just the sex or the fun, I am in this because I want a real family–I want to belong. And by excluding me–by changing the entire event just for the purpose of excluding me–she is telling me that she wants nothing less than for me to be part of her family. That she has not accepted me, and probably never will.
It has been a long, long time since I have been this hurt, or felt this rejected. I am truly heartbroken.
I feel like my only options at this point are to completely avoid her, and continue to treat Papa Bear as my family–to include him and his children in things, as I have–or to just give up. He told me that if we broke up because The Wifey succeeded in alienating me so much, he doubts their marriage would survive, but I don’t believe him. I think it would survive just fine. He might die on the inside, and he has a thousand times over when he has been trampled by her, but on the outside he would just smile and continue to go along. I would like to believe I’m wrong–that he would, at the very least, use our break-up as a catalyst to learning how to stand up for himself– but I really, truly, do not.