Merry Effing Christmas (Part II)Posted: December 6, 2015
Papa Bear says that The Wifey is dreading the entirety of the holidays, because of all the tension in their relationship due to her exclusion of me from their Christmas event. She knows he’s angry and hurt, and is worried that Christmas will be ruined because he is so unhappy with her right now, but she won’t budge. Frankly, even if she did change her mind, I wouldn’t go anyway, but that’s entirely beside the point. Papa Bear also says the holiday season so far is sucking at their house, and he knows Christmas is going to be really tense.
He was scheduled to have a counselling appointment with a poly-friendly therapist last week, which we were both hanging onto as our only hope for things improving, but he ended up typing the wrong address into the GPS and completely missing his appointment. We both cried about it–we are that desperate. Mainly because he had already been on the waiting list for three months, and if it was going to be another three months for him to get in again, there would be no surviving the wait. He called her the next day, and she got him in for January 12th. Further away than either of us would like, but its better than three months.
That same day I called around to my insurance provider, took the list of poly friendly therapists in my city, and contacted them all for an appointment. The first to get back to me had my business–I will be seeing her next Saturday which I am thrilled about. I am so tired of feeling miserable, and I need to talk to someone who isn’t going to blame my misery on non-monogamy.
I am still planning on having a Merry Christmas, even though my heart hurts. On the day of the Christmas event I wasn’t invited to, I am going to see The Nutcracker with some girlfriends from work. I am SO excited–I have always wanted to go. We are going to get all dolled up, and it is going to be awesome. I can’t wait.
Papa Bear and I are spending the night of the 23rd together and after going for breakfast on Christmas eve, are going to come back to my place so he can give the kids the presents he got them and hang out with us for a bit. After he leaves and the kids go to bed, the Hubby and I will put the presents under the tree, fill the stockings, listen to Christmas music, drink spiked hot chocolate, and watch Die Hard.
My little family and I are going to have a chill Christmas at home, which we love. We wake up, put on coffee and put cinnamon rolls in the oven, and then we open stockings while we wait for breakfast. Hubby and I drink mimosas and the kids have orange juice, and then we open presents. The kids are always so excited and happy and its awesome to watch. It’s fun being Santa!
There’s also my work holiday party, which the husband is going to with me, and which will be tons of fun (I love my co-workers), and our work gift exchange/potluck/ugly Christmas sweater party.
I have also invited Papa Bear’s family over the week before Christmas for an evening holiday hang-out. We talked to his son and daughter first and nailed down a date. His daughter Lucy is bringing her girlfriend. Tonight he is going to mention it to The Wifey and see if she would like to come.
I have mixed feelings about this. I went to a polyamory support group a few weeks back and talked about everything. I needed advice. They all empathized with me, and we talked about what it was about the exclusion that hurt me. I said that it was important for me for my family to get together with Papa Bear’s for the holidays–that it didn’t have to be Christmas Eve or Christmas Day or anything, but that my version of polyamory is family-oriented and so a family event sometime during the month of December is important to me. That what hurt me the most was basically being told that I am not family. Even though I have accepted that I cannot be an equal partner to Papa Bear, to be treated like I am not family at all really hurts.
They suggested I host my own event and invite Papa Bear’s family–that The Wifey’s discomfort with me attending their movie night, shouldn’t stop me from having the people I love around me at Christmastime. I asked if they thought it would seem petty, and they said not at all–that I am not excluding her from my get-together (it is her choice to attend or not), but that I do have the right to experience that togetherness if that is what I need.
So, I’m not sure whether or not she’ll come. Part of me hopes she doesn’t–mostly because, for her to attend, would be to basically be saying that she does not feel bad at all about excluding me. I feel that if she felt comfortable coming, it would mean she honestly believed she did nothing wrong, and did not feel the least bit awkward about it.
She’s a narcissist though, and part of that is not being able to understand anyone else’s point of view, or experience empathy for those you are in conflict with. I can’t hope for her to change, so if she is never going to feel bad about how she hurts me anyway, then I guess she might as well go ahead and come.
Sometimes I am so exhausted that it is really hard for me to care about any of this at all. But I am determined to have a wonderful Christmas anyway.