Waiting in the Sun

(I started this post on the 21st. A more recent post is coming).

I really like Christmas
It’s sentimental, I know, but I just really like it
I am hardly religious
I’d rather break bread with Dawkins than Desmond Tutu, to be honest

And yes, I have all of the usual objections
To consumerism, the commercialisation of an ancient religion
To the westernisation of a dead Palestinian
Press-ganged into selling Playstations and beer
But I still really like it

I’m looking forward to Christmas
Though I’m not expecting a visit from Jesus

I’ll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They’ll be drinking white wine in the sun
I’ll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They’ll be drinking white wine in the sun

I don’t go in for ancient wisdom
I don’t believe just ‘cos ideas are tenacious it means they’re worthy
I get freaked out by churches
Some of the hymns that they sing have nice chords but the lyrics are spooky

And yes I have all of the usual objections
To the mis-education of children who, in tax-exempt institutions,
Are taught to externalise blame

And to feel ashamed and to judge things as plain right and wrong
But I quite like the songs

I’m not expecting big presents
The old combination of socks, jocks and chocolate’s is just fine by me

Cos I’ll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They’ll be drinking white wine in the sun
I’ll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They’ll be drinking white wine in the sun

And you, my baby girl
My jetlagged infant daughter
You’ll be handed round the room
Like a puppy at a primary school
And you won’t understand
But you will learn someday
That wherever you are and whatever you face
These are the people who’ll make you feel safe in this world
My sweet blue-eyed girl

And if my baby girl
When you’re twenty-one or thirty-one
And Christmas comes around
And you find yourself nine thousand miles from home
You’ll know what ever comes

Your brothers and sisters and me and your Mum
Will be waiting for you in the sun
Whenever you come
Your brothers and sisters, your aunts and your uncles
Your grandparents, cousins and me and your mum
We’ll be waiting for you in the sun
Drinking white wine in the sun
Darling, when Christmas comes
We’ll be waiting for you in the sun
Drinking white wine in the sun
Waiting for you in the sun
Waiting for you…
Waiting…

I really like Christmas
It’s sentimental, I know…
I just really do…

This song pretty much sums up my concept of Christmas. Except that I am sitting here, with tears streaming down my face, because I don’t feel like I have this. When I was a kid, Christmas was exactly like he is describing. Sure, no one was drinking white wine in the sun, but every year my whole extended family of 60+ people crowded together into one house, ate a ton of food, and had general togetherness and merriment. As a kid, I loved it. Why wouldn’t I? I believed what they believed. I thought what they thought. I behaved as they wanted me to behave.

It was only when I got older that I realized, I was not like them. And if they knew who I really was, they would reject me and/or condemn me to hell. My family is unlikely to disown anyone–we’ve had our share of scandal and we still go on loving (while silently judging) each other. But we’ve never dealt with queer. We’ve never had polyamory. We haven’t had anyone openly unsure about the existence of god.

So I cannot be close to my family. One day I may be comfortable (and actually be able to afford to fly out) spending Christmas with them, but that day is not today. Not this year.

Add to that the rejection of The Wifey and her efforts to exclude me from her family, and this song makes my heart hurt. I know my kids will have parents who love them unconditionally. I know they have grandparents and aunts and uncles (Hubby’s family) who will do the same. But what about me? I am not close to my husband’s family, though after a bit of a rough go we are on good terms again and have fun together. And his family lives a few hours away, so they don’t just randomly drop in, or take the kids for an afternoon, or invite us for a backyard barbecue. It’s nice being closer to them than when we lived across the country, but its not enough. I want a real community.

One of the people from the poly group I’m in posted photos on Facebook. Photos of 8 Christmas stockings hanging on their fireplace–one for each member of their polycule, including the children. Photos of the blanket fort that their assorted children built. They have such an adorable polycule, and of course the photos made my eyes well up and my heart ache. I think that, along with financial security and wonderful romantic relationships, that is the thing I want most in the world. Chosen family, because my given one doesn’t really feel much like family at all.

The song talks about “the people who make you feel safe in this world.” I need to find my people. I need to be home. I hope I’m on the right track–one support group and one poly get-together and one girls night at a time.


One Comment on “Waiting in the Sun”

  1. A_Female says:

    The holidays are a reminder of all that is right and wrong with family. I feel your pain, friend. Here’s to hoping 2016 finds us getting closer to making homes with family we choose đŸ™‚


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