Ready for the Rain

rain2

Where to start? Things are…interesting and painful and intense over here.

This past week was kind of a shit show. It was The Wifey’s birthday, and she had planned a birthday get together with her BF for Saturday/Sunday, and then Papa Bear took Monday (her actual birthday) off to spend with her. He invited me to spend Saturday night, and then we were going to take my kids to breakfast and hang out with them for part of the day while The Husband was at work.

There was a family emergency involving one of their relatives, and The Wifey’s mother and uncles flew in so they could visit this relative, which meant they crashed at the Wifey and Papa Bear’s house for a few days. The Wifey and Papa bear were upset. Things were awkward with The Wifey’s mom since they came out to her as poly, plus it meant their birthday weekend plans were pretty much out the window.

I was upset too, since I’d only had a total of two hours with Papa Bear last week and was really looking forward to actually getting to see him.  Every conversation we had that week revolved around the problems he was having with The Wifey, and while I was happy to support him, I was exhausted. Hearing the way she was talking to and treating him made me angry and sad. I felt like staying home on Friday night, but a friend from work was having a birthday get together and I’d told her I’d go, so I went.

What I never seem to remember about these Friday night things, is to eat something beforehand. We eat lunch at 11:00 at work, and if I’m going to meet up with people at 7 and start drinking on an empty stomach, it is bad news. Papa Bear and I had been texting back and forth throughout the night, and around 10 pm I texted him and told him I was hammered and didn’t know how I was getting home. He asked me the address, and told me he’d be there in three minutes. I was in the middle of a card game (though at this point I was so drunk I was just throwing down cards at random), and told him I couldn’t leave yet. He told me to take a cab and he’d pay for it. One minute later (I checked the chat log), I said I would leave now then, since I wasn’t sure I could even make it to a cab, but he didn’t reply. I called a few times but there was no answer. I assumed his phone was in the other room, so I texted his daughter to ask her if she could tell him to call me.

Well, it turns out she wasn’t home, but I didn’t know that. And she ended up calling her mom (The Wifey), and asking her to tell him to check his phone. Except that apparently she was already in bed, and was furious at being woken up. I was confused, as I had replied that I would take the ride literally one minute later, and didn’t realized he’d already turned his phone off and gone to bed.

At this point I was pretty upset. He had been really, really late for our one date that week, which is why we only had two hours to spend together. His other free nights he’d said he was too tired and upset about fighting with The Wifey to see me. Then we ended up having to cancel our weekend plans because their family was in town, and now he knows I’m in a strange part of town I don’t know how to get home from, and he turned off his phone? A friend from work eventually called me a cab and helped me walk to it, and told him my address. The debit receipt shows I somehow managed to pay him, though I don’t recall this.

What I do recall is friends texting to make sure I got home okay. And in my drunken, neglected state, I felt like Papa Bear turning off his phone when he knew I might not be safe, meant that he didn’t care whether I was in bed or passed out on the front steps of my apartment building.

When I finally talked to him, I was sobbing. It wasn’t the fact that he didn’t drive me home. I really hadn’t expected him to even offer, since his house was full of people. It was just the fact that he turned off his phone. My abandonment issues went through the roof. While he was talking me down, telling me he didn’t know how drunk I was, telling me that he’d been a bit hurt when I turned down his offer of a ride and that’s why he’d put his phone away, telling me that if he’d had any idea that I wouldn’t have been safe, he would have made sure to check on me, The Wifey was fuming because he didn’t just say “You’re drunk, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

She said that by him talking to me, when she was having a messed up weekend, he wasn’t supporting her. They were sharing a bed for the first time in months, because guests were in Papa Bear’s room, but they weren’t up talking. They weren’t cuddling. She was fast asleep, and he was lying there uncomfortably trying not to sleep in order to avoid snoring and waking her. But because he got up and left the room to talk to me after she was already in bed, that meant that he wasn’t supporting her.

The next day I sent her a text apologizing for waking her up, explaining that I thought they were all awake in the same house and it would be a matter of “hey, go check your phone.” She didn’t reply to me, but she did issue him an ultimatum. Something to the effect of her being “done” with his and my relationship. That she was just “done.” He told her then, that they should probably think about breaking up.

He asked her what she thought about living platonically, or whether she thought he should move out. He says she told him “If we do that, it’s going to affect your entire life,” and “You don’t realize what you’d be giving up.” He told her that she had the right to self-determination, and if she couldn’t be happy in their relationship with him loving me, then there really wasn’t another option. He says she became really angry at this point, but he stood his ground. And the next day, when they talked, she said she got scared when she realized he was going to choose me (though I would argue it’s not a simple as me over her), and that she wanted to work things out.

She said if he gave her clear boundaries for their relationship, she would adhere to them. And he agreed to be honest about his thoughts, feelings, plans, and wants.

They are supposed to be having that discussion tonight.

We’ll see how it goes.

What can I say about how I feel? My biggest fear in our relationship–that she would say “It’s her, or me,” happened. But it didn’t play out the way I always thought it would. I always thought he would give me up.

I don’t know what would have happened if they had started to separate. I’m sure he would have had second thoughts–anyone would. I don’t know if those second thoughts would have meant he’d change his mind. The idea of an entire family imploding is terrifying. All I want is for some middle ground to be found, so that we can all live peacefully and amicably. I know the next few months, at least, are going to be really hard. I’m not sure if any of the decisions–for him to stay with me, for me to live with this dysfunction, for him to stay with her, or for her to stay with him– will stick.

Storm clouds are gathering. But I feel like I’m ready for the rain.


5 Comments on “Ready for the Rain”

  1. lizeden says:

    ((((((hugs))))))

    Like you said, this really ins’t a him choosing you over her situation. This is a him choosing the right to make his own decisions for himself, have some healthy level of self-determination, and have respect for his relationships vs him choosing to always be forced to bend to her will, and only live in the ways that she dictates to him that he’s “allowed” to live.

    It seems like she’s proven, again and again and again, that she is going to push him to make him her puppet as much as she possible can. Not out of spite or hatred, but out of fear and because she has shit personal boundaries.

    Jon once told me that Lora had this belief about relationships. Basically, it was that all relationships are comprised of a person who is “better” than the other person. In a better place financially, emotionally, who has had better chances in live, better coping skills, a better job, etc. And it is the responsibility of the “better” person to always be the caretaker and supporter of the “less better” person. And in her mind, that’s kind of what the “better” person owes to the “less better” person, in order to help make up for the harder life that the “less better” person has had.

    I kind of wonder if The Wifey has some of that mentality. Or simply the mentality (for whatever reason) that it is literally Papa Bear’s 24/7 job to always be there to take care of her, no matter how he feels, what’s going on in his life, or what he wants and needs. I mainly bring up the better person idea because it seems to be a foundation for that kind of mentality.

    Anyways, I really hope that you’re able to take care of yourself through all of this. And I wondered if you ever had any talks with Papa Bear about how you DO want to support and be there for him during his difficulties with The Wifey, but sometimes, being his sounding board is getting to be too much, so maybe you could talk about other ways that he could get support/help besides you, so you don’t end up being so overwhelmed by his pain that you’re burned out and hit a wall where you *can’t* support him further.

    I am so glad he’s holding his ground. Because he does sound like a lovely, sweet, person who is generally thoughtful and working harder and harding to own his own shit. And it sounds like he often is a really positive, loving, amazing part of your life, when he’s in a position to shine and not being ground down by stupid, controlling bullshit.

    I am really rooting for both of you, not just together as a couple, but as two people who are really working hard to work through their shit, and trying to build wonderful lives. Much much ❤ and warm thoughts going your way.

    • Thank you. You are right–she is of the opinion that her feelings and wants and needs are 100% hid responsibility. He said once, back before he reached the place of total and utter frustration, that he did not know how to change her idea that she “has a right to everything about” him. I’m interested to see how this all unfolds. Apparently the boundaries talk got sidetracked with accusations of him hating her. *Sigh* so he is writing them up, and promises he will talk to her about them in the next few days. That also goes for me–he does not want to create boundaries around certain people only, because then they become rules. Instead he wants to create boundaries that will work for all relationships in his life. I am 100% on board, and know I have crossed them from time to time but am eager to know exactly what he needs so I can be better. The Wifey told him she didn’t think he’d be able to stick to them (Already!? WTF) but he told her that everyone in his life will be expected to respect them, and asked her not to behave like that. It is awesome to see how much stronger he is being–his ability to stand up for himself is growing as he realizes he is able to do so without the sky falling.

      I guess we’ll see what we’re all made of.

    • I have also set a new one with him–I don’t want to hear anything negative His wife has to say about me, unless it’s constructive, in which case she can tell me herself. It just makes me boil with rage and nothing good can come from it. He said that, at any point when he is talking about her, I should feel comfortable telling him I don’t want to hear anymore. But it’s hard for me to do that because I feel like knowledge is power and I get anxious not knowing where things stand. He does need to find other supports besides me and his therapist, and I guess we’ll discuss that next week.

      • lizeden says:

        I think that all sounds really great and healthy. I definitely wouldn’t want to know the bitchy little things that a metamour said about me. Honestly, I’d be having a hard enough time with just knowing that bitchy little things *were* being said about me, since that’s sort of on my “never say/do for any reason EVER” list. HUGE kudos to you to dealing with that for so long, and with so much grace and strength.

        I also totally empathize with not wanting to know, but also wanting to know. After Jon broke up with Lora, I didn’t want to hear anything about her for awhile. But I also wanted to know if she was trying to pull any stupid shit. So I did end up hearing about things…more than I wanted to hear, but also…Jon kind of gave me the highlights of her idiocy, and knowing what she was trying to pull, when she was trying to pull shit (like when we said she had to have her stuff out by the time we left for Burning Man, and then (like I suspected she would) she stalled and stalled and they started saying that maybe her stuff should stay and she could *start* looking through it WHILE we were at Burning Man…GRRRRR) helped me to feel more in control.

        I don’t know if that would help you at all – knowing the gist of what is going on, but not every gritty detail?

        Either way, it sounds like SO MUCH good progress, both for you and for Papa Bear. (((((HUGS))))

      • I think in some instances I’m to blame for hearing things she’s said about me. Sometimes when he’s recounting a fight I’ll ask him what she said specifically, and then he’ll tell me, even if he would have preferred not to. :/ Anyway, I’ve def told him to just go ahead and omit those things.

        Things continue to be frustrating. I’m hoping real progress will be made but I’m not overly optimistic.


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