Just Breathe

 

breathe

I’ve been MIA for awhile, for no particular reason. Just taking some time to let things sink in, I guess. Everything is just in this weird in between space, and I feel kind of un-tethered.

Papa Bear is still living in the family home with The Wifey. At first they had hoped that they’d be able to make a platonic domestic partnership work, but Papa Bear realized pretty quickly that he needs to move out. He says the house doesn’t feel like his home, anymore.

I’m still not allowed over when The Wifey is home, which causes no small amount of stress for us. Sometimes she won’t let him know her schedule ahead of times, so we can’t make plans. The last time he asked her what her plans were, she shouted at him and said he needed to “stop pressuring her”. She then went on to say that this is all his fault, he has no integrity, he ruined their family, etc, etc.

She has told Papa Bear and their kids, that she doesn’t blame me for their separation, or believe it is my fault. It’s a nice thing to say, but Papa Bear says that if its true that she doesn’t blame me, she absolutely does blame him.

So now he is planning on moving out as soon as possible. It is just too stressful and painful for him to continue living there.

They have told their children that they’ve split up. His daughter understands (because she still lives at home, and has been witness to all of the screaming and crying), but apparently their son took it pretty hard.

We are both dealing with the question of when we would start dating other people again, and how we would handle it if we did. We’ve gone back and forth. Papa Bear was considering getting to know a girl he met at a poly group, and they have been chatting, but he feels like he won’t be ready to move forward with anything until he is moved out and has spent some time getting used to living on his own. And until he and I have had a chance for things to stabilize for our relationship. Once the dust settles, we want to make sure we’re still good.

I had a quite long flirtation with one of my supervisors, which started as harmless flirting many, many months ago, transitioned into heavy sexting, and culminated in us making plans to spend the night together one Friday after work.

He bailed at the last minute. Apparently him being my supervisor, and us having a secret affair (in terms of work, he’s unattached), and me being married–it is a line he just cannot cross. I respect that, but I’m not going to say I didn’t walk away wondering if I was shameful and dirty and not good enough for him.

We said we’d keep being friends and spend time together in PG scenarios, but he’s been sick and now I’m sick so I haven’t actually seen him since. We’ll see how it goes. Part of me wants things to just go back to normal, and part of me hopes that eventually we’ll get drunk and do it anyway.

As for actual dating, I know I’m not ready for any more relationships, and I honestly may not be until my kids are pretty much grown. Two partners is plenty.

Papa Bear and I are taking a little getaway next week, which is desperately needed. We are going to the mountains and staying in a condo on a ski hill. I honestly do not care if we don’t do anything but cuddle, fuck and drink. I wouldn’t even say I’m so much excited, as I am relieved. I feel like we have not been able to just BREATHE in so long. It cannot come soon enough.


2 Comments on “Just Breathe”

  1. masterandbabydoll says:

    Hang in there! This is a hard transition and you may not see it now, through all the dust, but things will settle and get back into a groove. It will look and feel different, be prepared for it. But that’s not a bad thing. Just different.


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