Can’t Help Myself

In regards to The Boss Man Affair, a commenter asked me to define “love, lust, and in love”. I get why they asked. Of course, when two people are doing something as wrong as we are, the first thought is that this isn’t love. Love doesn’t do this.

I myself, am not even sure how to define love. I spent some time last year researching seven different theories on love, and I still can’t say I really get it. I can say though, with  100% certainty, that what Boss Man and I have is not just lust. We have been close since our very first conversation.

There is something in both of us that just says “That one there–that’s your person.”  The person we can say anything to–no matter how fucked up–and they not only don’t judge us, they get it. They have thought it, done it, felt it, been there.

With Papa Bear, and with The Husband, there is trust. There is faith. There is mutual respect. There’s romance (at least with Papa Bear). They are my people, in the way that I know they will drop anything to help me. That they will not bail just because there is trouble. They are fun to be with, we are comfortable together, and with Papa Bear at least, the sex is off the charts amazing.

With Boss Man, it’s different. He’s like a mirror. The electricity isn’t the giddy type you feel with infatuation. It’s at a lower, richer, more gritty frequency. It’s a deep rumble that connects us across rooms and across cities.

Papa Bear and The Husband, they make me feel securely held, and fiercely loved–protected. Boss Man…he makes me feel like I am not the only one. There is a scared, broken child in each of us, that wants so much to be taken in. Our existing relationships provide that. They are the shelter. He and I…we are the two people swapping stories about the storm. And we don’t even always have to speak–we were both there, we both know. He touches some deep, hidden part of me that I can’t explain to most people.

However. We both know we need to stop, and stop quickly. I love Boss Man (I truly do–it may not be “in love” love, but its there and its real), and I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want to be the reason he loses someone he loves, and who can actually give him everything. I don’t want to be the reason he can’t look at himself in the mirror. I don’t want to be anything bad, for him. For him, I want only good things. Sunshine and colour and promise. And so, we will stop. We have to.

We just couldn’t help ourselves. It’s a piss poor defense, but its the only one we’ve got. We feel like we needed this–we just needed it. To acknowledge what we are to each other. To share that truth, before we say good-bye. We should have just done it in words. But words led to a soft, innocent kiss. The soft, innocent kiss led to a passionate kiss. The passionate kiss led to…well, this.

The song I linked above…that is our song. I had never heard Boss Man sing before–he is too self-conscious to walk around singing and dancing to the radio all day, like I do. But he played this for me–from the band we are currently obsessed with, and the singer we both love but our partners don’t. He sang. And he looked at me.

Just tell me I’m broke

It’s easier that way

Cause I’ll just let you down

It’s much easier that way

I’m nothing but a low-life

Thinking ’bout my own life

I can’t help myself from falling

 

I can’t help myself.

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2 Comments on “Can’t Help Myself”

  1. Esaelia says:

    I get how you feel, I really do. The same I feel for T, that’s why I can’t keep away even though I should.

  2. ds says:

    I would encourage you to persist in defining ,it may take time but it will have the effect of placing connections in an order that becomes very manageable. Of course those definitions are three ,are there more ? Yes ..a hint for this journey if you choose to take it : … Look at colour , lets say a rainbow ,notice how the colour from one side to the other is red ,orange .. the other side blue violet . Clearly very different . Now look at the transitions ..at what point do you say red has become orange ? How do we arrange this transition to make sense of it ? Keep exploring ..life is grand box of infinite surprises.


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