I Met HerPosted: July 12, 2016
I met her. Tinder Girl. I thought it would be awful. That I’d hide in the bathroom crying, or be consumed by guilt, or wracked with jealousy.
Does it make me a terrible person that I felt none of those things? She is pretty, but has about 50 pounds on me. Funny, but not funnier than I am. A few times I caught Boss Man looking at her like he loves her. And instead of this making me crazy, I felt satisfied–because he looks at me that way, too.
I felt good. Like meeting her helped me separate her from Tinder Girl: The Myth, The Legend.
If I feel shitty about anything, it’s the fact that I don’t feel guilty. Maybe they will last forever, and good for them. Maybe he’ll never stray again, and that too will just be confirmation of the fact that he only did it because he loves me.
I am letting go, every day. Moving on. Some days how much it hurts still knocks the wind out of me, but most of the time I feel okay. Sometimes I can even think about him and smile.
If I am jealous of anything, it is their new beginnings. That awesome feeling when you’re just starting out. The child free time ahead of them. If she gets pregnant, that exciting phase. The new baby you are so in love with. Maybe I am addicted to beginnings. I miss them–that rush.
I still love him, but I am learning to love him for free. And him, me. We don’t owe each other anything. The love is enough. I think soon, I’ll be able to genuinely wish them well. She is a sweetheart and I trust her to love him.