Crickets

It’s been crickets around here.

Sorry about that.

It is so hard to write when it feels like you are just repeating the same thing over and over again. Who wants to read that I am still broken-hearted over Boss Man?

It has been ugly. Oh, so mortifyingly ugly.

Something happened one night, almost two months ago, that I am still not ready to write about.

No, he didn’t assault me, if that’s what you’re thinking.

But it hurt. A lot. I felt like everything he ever said to me, every touch, every kiss, was a carefully crafted lie.

He apologized, and I believed he was sorry. He said he was ashamed, that he had been an ass, that I had now seen the worst of him.

He said he loves me, that it has always been true, that he was a selfish asshole because he knew it could never be “just us.”

It took a long time to recover from the shock and hurt. I must have cried buckets of tears. On one particularly painful afternoon, during my anniversary weekend with Papa Bear, I spent two day-drunk hours curled up on the floor, howling like a wounded animal.

It was positively ghastly.

I still love him, but I think I’ve finally started to heal. And with that, to feel the appropriate guilt of participating in his cheating on his girlfriend, who just moved in with him.

Meanwhile, Papa Bear is the front runner for the Best Boyfriend awards. He has been absolutely amazing. Not just in being so understanding about my broken heart, but in caring so deeply about every aspect of my life. He is just good, good, good to the core.

Sometimes we talk about his Ex. I must admit the thought of her still makes me angry. I just feel like she is a horrible, selfish, hypocritical person. My feelings about her are no longer an enormous, overwhelming wave of rage and hurt. It’s more of a detached, critical coldness.

On occasion I’ve gotten drunk and read her blog, which I always end up regretting. She is hurting but she steadfastly maintains that my relationship with Papa Bear was based on a runaway train of New Relationship Energy

(This just in–I complained to Papa Bear about my horrible back pain an hour ago via text, and he just showed up at my door with a bag of gummies, a heated massager, and a bar of dark chocolate. Seriously, the man is something out of a fairy tale).

and that he was ignoring her feelings, gas lighting her, and generally being a terrible husband. He was not doing any of those things. He only told her she was wrong when she insisted I was deliberately trying to break them up, because she was wrong. All her other feelings, he listened to and did not argue with, and he was willing to bend over backwards and almost destroy our relationship in the process, to do whatever she asked.

Her complete lack of self-awareness continues to boggle my mind. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her, but of course I still hope that some day she will be far enough removed from all the painful feelings to acknowledge that this break-up was not his fault. She believes that it is all his fault, and that just isn’t true. Even willingness to accept ANY blame, ANY wrongdoing whatsoever, even just that she was wrong to swear at and name-call him, would be a huge win in my book.

But I haven’t seen her since he moved out, so she really isn’t my problem anymore. Thank goodness. Papa Bear is so fundamentally good, and I think that’s what hurts the most. That she is projecting all of her bad character traits onto him, and villainising him for merely wanting to be himself.

I am now off to eat gummy bears and chocolate while massaging the giant knot in my backside with my brand new massager!

 



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