6 Days till ChristmasPosted: December 18, 2016
Papa Bear and I put up a tiny little Christmas tree in his apartment. It’s a REAL tree–my first–and is maybe three and a half feet high. It has ornaments from Ikea, candy canes of all flavours and sizes, and a Santa hat for a topper.
It’s drinking water so hopefully it doesn’t die before Christmas. This is our third Christmas together. I feel kind of weird about it–like I don’t know exactly what to do. This is his first Christmas without a wife. I haven’t even really figured out how he feels about it.
I’m sleeping over on the 23rd as usual, and then on Christmas Eve morning we’ll go back to my place, exchange gifts with my kids and the Husband, and have brunch.
His kids are coming over on Christmas Eve night with their friends to make music and eat and drink and that should be nice. But on Christmas morning he’s going to wake up alone.
If it were me, I think I’d cry. I asked if he wanted to join us for Christmas breakfast but he said he’d rather come in the evening for appetizers and desserts. At least I know I gave him the option of spending Christmas morning with us, but it makes me sad that he’ll be alone.
I hope at the very least this holiday season is less stressful for him than last year’s–that was one shitty chain of events.
As for me, I’m glad this year is almost done. The polar vortex is over, and I’ve started my job search again. I hope I find something good, and soon. I love Boss Man down to my core, but I need to get away from him. A session with my therapist made it clear that all I’m ever going to do in his presence is end up getting hurt.
Interestingly, he’s told me he’s started looking at other employment opportunities, and all I want is to leave, if not before he does, then very soon after. It’s not about beating him–it’s just that it doesn’t feel like he’d be leaving his job. It feels like he’s leaving me. I can’t imagine going in there every day and not seeing him. It seems like it would be walking into someplace dead.
I almost fell apart today but I wouldn’t allow it. I need to hold myself together. And most importantly, I need to stay healthy and happy, and find a job that pays more, because I am bound and determined to leave this tiny apartment behind by spring.
It’s time for things to change. I hope I’m ready.