Papa Bear and The Wifey are discussing having separate bedrooms.
Later we’ll discuss why this gives me a heart attack.
On Valentines Day a friend posted the following on Facebook:
“For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love.”(Carl Sagan)
It took my breath away. Not because it is another quote on the importance of love–but because it is a quote by a scientist/philosopher who seeks to know, and yet understands that we are utterly meaningless. Our entire lives are being lived out on a fraction of the universe so tiny that frankly, we should be afraid. We should cling to each other and understand that at any point, anything at all could wipe us away. We spend our existence running around as though everything we are doing is so important, in spite of–or maybe to distract ourselves from–the ridiculous vastness of the universe, and our absolute inability to have any impact on it whatsoever. The vastness is terrifying. The vastness is overwhelming. The quote states that it is bearable only through love, and that touched me.
I realized, though, in reading it again and again, that I do not believe that to be the case–not for me. I am envious of those who can say that love is what makes the world go round, or all you need is love, or even, that the vastness of the universe is only bearable through our ability to hold onto each other as tight as we can. But. . .I’m not feeling it. I feel a desire to feel it. I want to live for my connections to others. I want to have so much love for the people around me that it fills me up and erases my ability to truly be concerned with anything else. I want to fall asleep at night thanking the randomness of the universe for bringing my family (related and chosen) into my life. And yet. . .I just do not think this this way.
Love is responsibility.
Love is pain.
Love is waking up every half an hour through the night because a tiny person is calling for you and you can’t let them cry.
Love is picking up the phone and calling your mom even though talking to her breaks your heart.
It is making compromises in your marriage that you would have never thought possible.
Love is bending over wracked with sobs at someone’s cruel words or inability to understand.
Love is the dull ache that will always remain with the memory of the one that got away.
Love is sitting by someone’s beside and knowing they are gone and that there isn’t anything you can do about it.
Love…according to me…isn’t what makes this vastness bearable. It’s what makes it unbearable. How can we accept our helplessness, our total inability to control anything, the absolute chaos around us, when in the midst of all of this, is someone we love?
Does it make life more bearable, or simply add to the pain?
I am all over the place lately. One moment I am happy, the next I am angry, the next I feel like there is an elephant standing on my chest, cutting off my air supply.
I have thought about taking some time off from the whole alternative scene, to figure out exactly what I am looking for, but I feel like the only way to know what I want and need is trial and error. I wonder if I have it in me? Do I have it in me to continue to meet people, experiment with them, form relationships, and move on when it doesn’t work out? What is worse–a series of short term pseudo-relationships (which is all I have had so far), or several that last a long time, break my heart in the end, but have actually been substantial?
If I feel like I cannot handle the pain/stress/drama of polyamory/open marriage, then the sensible thing would be for me to put it on the back-burner for awhile. Yet I can’t see myself doing that, for the simple reason that I am so lonely. I feel like I am suffocating. My husband is emotionally and sexually unavailable. He has major, major intimacy issues. He is angry much of the time, about our life and the fact that it has pretty much gone the opposite of what he wanted. And being around him for too long makes me feel like I am drowning and need to come up for air. I am miserable in my marriage. But there is nothing to be done about that. We barely have enough money to support one household, let alone two. We recently talked about separating, but it is just not possible. We are still quite fond of each other and love each other in a very specific way, but we were never right for each other. It isn’t anyone’s fault and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either one of us, we are just not a match. But as I said before, there is no solution for that at this time. We have two very young kids, very little money and next to no support. And we are both looking for work all over the country–if we separated, we would not move together, and what would happen to the children? Having the kids being raised in two homes would be hard enough on them without having one of their parents in another part of the country altogether. Especially when they are so young, and especially because, honestly, neither of us could handle them both full time without help. We have no one besides each other. Does it make a whole lot of sense for one of us to move across the country for the other one’s job (whoever happens to get hired first, wherever they happen to get hired), when we should never have got married in the first place? Maybe not objectively, but even if we are not meant to be romantic partners for one another, we are a family and at this point it is best for us to stick together.
In just the short while that I have been without other partners, I feel like I am sinking. Yet I don’t just want any partner, I want the right partner. How can I find that without putting myself out there? I want someone who is willing to commit to me, to consider whatever we would have to be a real relationship, regardless of the fact that I am married. Someone who is also attached, so they do not feel like they are being short-changed by not having me as their full-time lover. Someone who is NOT cheating on their spouse or girlfriend, but is ethically non-monogamous, and would be interested in becoming a real part of my life and family, instead of considering me a vice, or their dirty little secret.
Sir is away again. His grandmother is dying and he had to fly out today to say good-bye and attend services. I at least had the sensitivity to ask how he was handling it. Once he told me that he was fine–she had lived to 95, and they were going to celebrate her life–I allowed myself to feel disappointment. He will only be gone for 5 days this time, a far cry from the month he was gone before, but I seriously want to cry. We were supposed to attend a kinky event at a club on Friday night. There was even talk of me staying the night for the first time. This is his first weekend without his kids since he’s been back, and now we don’t get that time together.
I feel like all we have had since he has been home are little snippets of time. I want more. Next weekend we are supposed to be attending a party or two together, but I am not overly hopeful. He gets his kids back Friday afternoon, and any number of things could happen that could cause him to cancel.
I haz a sad.
I know this is just the nature of the beast, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
And I hate the way I feel. I am trying to staunch the flow of emptiness that is spreading, and I loathe my inability to define what is happening in me. I am not daft enough to think it is love. It is too nuanced and ambivalent to be infatuation. Lust seems closer to the mark, but not quite accurate. Maybe it is submission–is this how it feels to belong to someone?
All I know is, its unsettling. I am not a fan. Part of me wants to lean into it, and nuzzle deep inside the moments when I am with him and everything seems right. The rest of me wants out–now. It would be a loss, but then it would be over and I would feel normal again. I wanted something more. A real relationship, an extension of my family, a true connection–but I was not ready for the way this would complicate my emotional life. Will it be better when he comes back and things settle down?
Unlikely. Regardless of whether or not he’s in town, he has his kids every other week and it becomes hard for us to see each other regularly with our respective work schedules. If I was legitimately his girlfriend, then eventually (once the divorce was final and some time had passed), I would be able to meet his kids, and them being there would no longer automatically mean us not being together. But since he tossed out that dirty word–affair–it seems like I will remain cut off from this part of his life for the duration. And he cannot be in mine, at least not now, because it is too soon and because he is not properly poly.
Of course things could develop. Of course it could change. He could change his views, we could become so important to one another that we push through the discomfort and do what we need to do to really have something. Or he could start dating someone else, someone single, leaving even less time for me.
I guess we will have to talk (again). Maybe I will be so overwhelmed with these feelings when he gets back that it will all just come out. Or maybe I will want to savor him for a little while before bringing all of this up. He has said things that have contradicted each other. And of course now, with him gone, I am going into over-analyzing mode, picking his words apart and re-arranging them to see what they might mean. What did it mean when he said he was struggling to commit emotionally because his last girlfriend was also married and he was devastated when she left? What did he mean when he said he wanted to be in love? Do these things preclude me? Or is he already getting close, and looking for reassurance? It is likely the former. And that is probably best. But I do not know how I am ever going to get what I want–with him or with anyone else–when I am afraid of the walls coming down and the potential for pain to rush in.
Sir and I had a lovely reunion today. We fucked each other silly, cuddled, took a shower, and then I helped him cook. In the kitchen, while I chopped veggies and he chastised me for my improper usage of different knives then showed me how to do it right, we had a long chat. It actually felt like more of a Q&A, in which I grilled him, hoping to figure out exactly what is going on between us. It was a drawn out conversation, but I’ll condense my questions and his answers. Maybe having them in type will help me make sense of what we discussed, because despite hours of conversation, I am still not completely clear on where we stand.
Question: What are you looking for in a partner?
Answer: Someone who is younger, has no kids or no kids under the age of 10, isn’t a party girl (he likes to go out and have a good time but he doesn’t drink or do drugs), and is reasonably fit.*
Question: What about in terms of personality?
Answer: A perfect lady, and a total slut. . .exactly like you.
Question: How would you classify our relationship?
Answer: We are having an affair. (Ouch.) Does it bother you that I said that?
Question: So, you have said you are looking for a life partner, but you are not monogamous, and yet you don’t believe in fucking around…?
Answer: I believe in fucking around as long as it is not behind the person’s back. So with us, if I met someone, I would tell her that I am non-traditional and that I have another girl, and would ask if she’d like to meet you.
Question: What does that mean, “I’m your girl”?
Answer: We are together, but you can’t be my partner because you’re married.
Question: How do you think another woman is going to react to knowing there is already someone in your life who you want to keep?
Answer: Not well.**
Question: So then maybe the two of you would swing?
Answer: Nope. I’m not a swinger.
Question: Am I your submissive? (We had got onto the subject of collaring and how he views it the same as a wedding ring. Therefore, for someone to truly be someone else’s submissive, they would also have to be partners, in his view).
Answer: Sort of. We would be under the category of It’s Complicated.
Question: So what does that mean?
Answer: It means that you are married, so you can never truly be mine. I am also afraid to completely dominate you because of The Incident. I have to have total confidence in my ability to do what I want to you without crossing any lines, and I don’t have that confidence. And honestly, people have gone to jail for taking it too far with a submissive. Every time I am about to dominate you it scares me and I pull back.
Question: Do you think that maybe I’m a little crazy?
Answer: No. You are one of the most sensible girls I’ve met.
Question: Then why do you feel like, if I have given you carte blanche to do what you want to me outside of my hard limits, I would turn around and call the cops? Do you not think I know what I want?
Answer: It’s not about what you want. It’s not about you at all. It’s about trusting myself and knowing I am not going to go too far again. I can’t seem to get past that fear.
Question: You know what they say about facing your fears?
Answer: I just need to get over it. And you need to piss me off, you never do anything wrong.
At this point I picked up a slice of rutabaga and threw it on the floor. He laughed and hugged me and told me it was going to take more than that. Then he promised we would get past it.
So. . .shall I go brat? I really need a spanking!
P.S. For those of you who were concerned about the fact that I wasn’t mentioned on his FetLife profile, he told me today that I am now listed under his relationships–without me even bringing it up or having to ask. Yay.
*He added that none of these are deal breakers if he is in love, but this is what he is looking for.
**I wanted to ask what he would do if he found someone he thought he could make it work with but who wasn’t okay with me being in his life, but I’m not sure I want to know the answer. Regardless, he says he is not monogamous and will not be, so I guess any woman he is with would have to share him one way or another.
I’m pretty sure he’s on a date. Right now. As I live and type.
How do I know this? I don’t really. Except that we had plans today, and when I told him it was my time of the month (CURSES! Of course, right when he gets back from a month away this shit happens), he was all too quick to say that we should reschedule. We chatted via text all morning and all afternoon (during which he told about “the girl”, who we will refer to as She Devil). They went out once before his trip (which he already told me weeks ago) and apparently have been chatting online.
Anyway, as I said, we’d been chatting via text all day. Then suddenly, about an hour ago or so, he stops responding. I text him and he answers with one word. I respond to his one word, and he answers with “k.” Does that sound like a man on a date to you? Because it does to me.
I am not happy. It’s not (just) the fact that he is (probably) on a date. He’s been on dates before, and he’ll go on them again. It’s the fact that he just got back from his trip and I haven’t even seen him yet, and he is (maybe) out with someone else? No! Plus, if he fucks her, which he will, that means SHE gets the benefits of his almost-month with no nooky, not me. I’m sorry, but that is just not fair. Welcome home sex is supposed to be mine–MINE!
And then I kind of blame myself a little. Because he was in town on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. His kids were with the ex from the 24th until the afternoon of the 25th, when they came to his place and then they all left to visit family. He texted me on Christmas Eve, saying he was desperate to see me. But I couldn’t. It was Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve through Christmas Day is family time. There is no way I could have sneaked out to meet him without experiencing extreme self-hatred. My husband and I always have sex on Christmas Eve, I could not have excused myself and gone and slept with Sir too. It would have just been. . .icky. And as my husband is not stupid, he would know that there was no last minute emergency that needed tending to on Christmas Eve, and that I was not merely “out”, but that I was out with “someone else.” It would have totally crossed a line.
My feelings about all of this are all tangled up. Yes, I’d like to have a poly family, but I think I would prefer if we were all involved, rather than having individual relationships all over the place. It just gets so complicated. I’m not even really poly at this point,but I can’t stop my head from swimming with all of these possible problems. Who gets holidays? Who gets priority when two people are experiencing a personal crisis at once? Does the spouse, or whoever was there first, always retain “primary” status? Can anything ever actually be equal between a person’s two or more lovers? Should it be?
Then there’s the huge issue underlying all of this. . .which is that I feel insufficient. I know that sounds completely ridiculous coming from a married woman who’s sleeping with other men because her husband can’t meet her needs, but hear me out. My husband is my partner. We are a family. No matter what, we will always have that. He comes first, and he knows it. I sleep here, I consult him on all major decisions, holidays are automatically spent together and it is up to the two of us to build a life together.
When it comes to Sir, I have no such status. I am listed on my Fet Life profile as under his “protection” (as commanded by him), but I am not listed on his. At all. And then I get to see in his news feed that he is posting on singles boards, and on his profile that he is seeking a long-term relationship, and I just get. . .I don’t even know what the word for it is. He has never been anything less than honest with me, so that isn’t the problem. I guess I just still feel like the girl he is seeing while he waits for someone better to come along. Which was fine, back before he was interfering with my affairs. But when I’m not allowed to see or talk to guys I was formerly sleeping with, when anyone from the fetish community who wants to talk to me has to go through him, but I don’t even deserve to have my existence acknowledged? I don’t know. I am new to this, maybe I am over-reacting? Can anyone else give their opinion?
I need to know that I am his. I need something to hold onto. Not necessarily a collar, but something. But that is not the kind of thing you can ask for. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. We don’t even have a picture together.
Part of me just wants to tell him to screw off, or that I thought I was okay with this but I’m not, or that I need to find someone who is also married with children, who understands exactly where I am coming from and whose needs are balanced more closely with mine. The rest of me knows that I am in this until I am cut loose, left on the side of the road in a cardboard box, shivering and howling my head off, in the tradition of all abandoned pussy.
I instantly hate her, with her dark hair and her pale skin and her multiple piercings and her extensive profile full of pictures of her ass and back and tits, post-lashing. She looks hardcore, like a semi-evil sex-kitten with claws.
I feel like puking, a little.
I do not want to meet her. I do not want to be her friend. I do NOT want to get naked and get in bed with her.
But I also don’t want to be the bitch that says “I can have two lovers. I can go fuck you senseless then go home to my husband. But you can’t have that. You can have your stolen moments with me, and then you can go home to an empty bed and no one.” Not that it matters what I say, anyway. He is the Dom. And if I were to say that, I’m pretty sure I’d be the one getting kicked to the curb.
But I hate her, because she is not just an idea. She exists. She is flesh and blood and piercings and tattoos and hair. All feminine and fierce and available.